I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Worst season ever watch
That might not have been the worst Dallas Burn/FC Dallas game I’ve ever seen — losing to the Galaxy 8-1 on a rainy Thursday night in 1998 still is #1 with a bullet — but it is in the running for the most entertainment-free games I’ve ever seen. Yeah, I know, complaining about dull soccer games is like complaining about fake blood at Gwar concerts. It’s part of the experience.
Still, they got a point out of the game, which was NOT enough to keep them ahead of their 2003 pace. But it was enough to keep them having the worst seven-game start in team history. They’ve now got five points in seven games, while in 2009, they had four points. But the 2009 team got hot in the second half of the season thanks to the emergence of David Ferreira and finished merely outside the playoffs.
But this is the Worst Season Ever Watch, not the Worst Start Ever Watch, so here’s the dismal tracker:
2024 – 1 win, 4 losses, 2 draws, 5 points
2003 – 1 wins, 3 losses, 3 draws, 6 points
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Sporting Kansas City vs. St. Louis City (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
This is the Rivalry Week Light in MLS for those who celebrate it. All the heavy hitter rivalries are another time, mind you, but these games aren’t nothing.
So this weekend, in addition to this game, we also get Seattle-Vancouver and Galaxy-San Jose. But those games are more likely to be horror films than actual competitive soccer matches and all the other matches don’t really get up beyond “Taco Bell mild sauce” on the spicy scale, so here we are.
So what I’m saying is that this game has sort of fallen into this slot by default. They’re 8th and 9th in the West and one team is a year old, but hey, there’s civic rivalry between Kansas City and St. Louis.
There’s also the small matter of last year’s playoffs. Now, I don’t ever like it when Sporting Kansas City has anything good happen to it, but as a hater, it was fun to watch St. Louis cruise through the season, finish on top of the West, have their fans become the Second Coming of SoundersFan, and run head-first into an ass-whooping in their first-ever playoff game. It’s only a shame that it came at the hands of SKC.
I’ll get my joy from schadenfreude if I have to.
While this game might not be as consequential as last year’s playoff games and it might not have the sectarianism of Rangers-Celtic, it does at least have BBQ ribs sectarianism and since St. Louis native Taylor Twellman will be on the mic on Apple TV+, you’ll get the added comedy of Twellman’s attempts (and failures) to not to root-root-root for the home team.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, as is my custom in rivalry matches that don’t involve FC Dallas.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Houston Dynamo vs. Austin FC (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
There are few things that FC Dallas fans and Little Brother Orange fans agree on. I cannot think of anything, outside of this one thing: Nobody wanted another little brother in Austin.
It’s not that we have anything against Austin, mind you. Austin is a nice place to visit and do fun things like go to Barton Springs, maybe see a little University of Texas sports, and laugh at the people dumb enough to stand in line for barbecue for multiple hours. It’s just that we didn’t want the relocation of the Crew. And their fans are a bunch of try-hard clowns.
But then, Little Brother Orange’s presence in Major League Soccer was a result of the relocation of the San Jose Earthquakes for those of you who still care about such things, and for those of you who do, congratulations on becoming Major League Soccer’s answers to Brooklyn Dodgers fans. And Little Brother Orange fans are reprobates with a long and glorious history with the fine folks at the Frisco Police Department.
So basically, this game is between two teams that came about through villainy and attempted villainy, supported by two groups of people who are terrible in their own ways. Forget wasting money sending the National Guard to the border as a political stunt. Governor Abbott needs to send the Guard to quarantine Shell Energy Stadium as a matter of public health and safety.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. Neither of these teams deserves anything good.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Atlanta United vs. FC Cincinnati (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
I’ve let y’all down this week, friends. I can’t give you a reason to care about this game. I can’t even give you a reason to pretend to care.
Sure, both teams are pretty good and that’ll probably be a pretty good game. But it’s the Eastern Conference. Both teams are about 10 minutes old. Do you want another reason to feel bad as an FCD fan? Both teams not only have won silverware more recently than FCD, but both have come into existence since the last time FCD won silverware.)
And you, my six readers, deserve better than just another rehash of my riffing on Skyline Chili or comparing the roof of Mercedes Benz Stadium to an orifice on people’s backsides. You deserve quality humor — well, maybe not that but a decent attempt at that.
So instead, I’m gonna spend a few sentences to express my enjoyment of this:
It’s not that I hate the New England Revolution. I know plenty of fine people who are Revs fans. They’re truly lovely people and have a good sense of humor even though they’ve gotten kicked in the junk five times in the MLS Cup Final. So why am I happy to see them down there? This guy:
He’s a good coach with more MLS Cup titles than FCD has as an organization, but also a schmuck. And I enjoy seeing him in dead last.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Cincy. But seriously, watch this game before the FCD game.
Sickos Game of the Week
LA Galaxy vs. San Jose Earthquakes (FS1 and Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 7:15)
This is the oldest rivalry out of all the rivalries that MLS has got going on this week during Rivalry Week Light and in some years, it would be the must-watch game of the week.
This is not one of those years.
Of course, FS1 is showing it because if there’s one thing that we should’ve learned from the continued shambling wreck of The Simpsons, it’s that Fox loves to keep showing things that were great 20 or 30 years years ago but are less so today.
This game will likely be something of a snuff film, given that Greg Vanney has got the Galaxy assembled and playing very well, and given that none of that is true for a San Jose Earthquakes team that gave FCD its only win this season and has already given up 20 goals in eight games. Expect to utter filth from Riqui Puig like what he did last week:
The only reason why you should watch this game is if you’re a fan of the Galaxy or a Sicko. There’s so much other better stuff on Sunday night, like the NBA and NHL playoffs. Maybe pull up something on streaming. You don’t need to watch the gory end of Luchi Gonzalez’s time in San Jose.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, because it would be funny for the Quakes to somehow get something out of this game while still remaining dead last.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Colorado Rapids vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 8:30)
No team has caused more pain and suffering to the Dallas Burn and FC Dallas over multiple decades than the Colorado Rapids. I’m not gonna run down all the ways because most of y’all know it and many of y’all have lived it.
And yet, almost no FCD fan would consider them a rival. It’s kind of funny, actually. I’m not even sure that MLS should have scheduled FCD to play them during Rivalry Week Light. But I guess that the better choices — the Little Brothers and SKC — were otherwise occupied, so here we are.
Even better, FCD catching them at a time when Colorado is on one of its rare forays into the world of competence and FCD is definitely not Better Than You Think™. And maybe it’s better this way. After all, FCD’s usually doing better than the Rapids in the standings. whenever they roll into Dick’s Sporting Goods Park and roll out with an L.
“That sounds like a bunch of superstitious nonsense, Dustin.”
Absolutely it is.
But let’s face it: You can listen to Buzz’s reports from practice and find out that this team is kind of garbage right now. You can read Dan’s post-game reports and find out that this team is kind of garbage right now. You can listen to 3rd Degree the Podcast and find out that this team is kind of garbage right now. You can watch the games with your own eyes and find out that this team is kind of garbage right now.
But I ask you: Where else are you going to get superstitious nonsense like this? And really, superstitious nonsense might be the best thing outside of Maarten Paes that this team has going right now.
Truth be spoken here