The FCD fan’s guide to hatewatching Week 12

I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.

Last week

I really wish I could say that I was bummed about the postponement in the 50th minute, but… I’m not. That game was dreck for both sides, but a little more for FCD. My own personal theory as to why the FCD attack currently looks more constipated than your golden retriever after he’s wolfed down a block of cheese that you’ve left on the counter is the absence of one Alan Velasco, who in the immortal words of Texas legend Clint Dempsey, “Tries shit.” It may not come off, but at least it causes opposing defenders to have to respond.

But that’s just my non-expert opinion. If you want to read smart opinions about the game, that’s elsewhere at 3rd Degree.

On the upside, only playing 50 minutes left the team with plenty in the tank for…

Oh Nico, what in God’s name are you doing here?

If you had told me that this lineup and this formation were formulated by ChatGPT, I would’ve completely believed you. I saw this lineup before the game, and a huge question mark appeared above my head because I had no clue how they were actually going to line up or play. And apparently, neither did any of them!


LA Galaxy vs. San Jose Earthquakes (FS1, Sunday at 8:30)

“Hey, Dustin, the Galaxy stink out loud! Why do you have them here?”

Well, for a few reasons. First, despite the fact that this is Rivalry Week, a lot of good rivalries aren’t being played this weekend. No Hell is Real. No El Tráfico. No Texas Derby. No whatever it is that Orlando-Miami is called. There’s a Cascadia Cup game, but since it involves Vancouver, no one cares.

Second, a lot of these games are garbage. Not only are they not actual rivalries, but they’re also either hammer-versus-nail or bumfights.

Third and most importantly, this is literally the only game this weekend being played between two teams that existed before 2010. This rivalry has been going since 1996, and it’s real OG rivalry in this league that goes so much further than just soccer. It’s NoCal vs. SoCal, baby!

It gave birth to one of the greatest games that this league has seen 20 years ago, when San Jose came back from 2-0 loss in the first leg of the Western Conference semifinal and a 2-0 deficit in the 15th minute of the second leg with five unanswered goals to win 5-4 on aggregate.

And this year, you also get to see the added attraction of the complete reversal of fortune. The Gals, who have won every trophy multiple times, are the biggest trash fire not named “Sporting Kansas City” this season.

San Jos e, who really have done jack and squat since they came back from the dead 15 years ago, look… competent.

It’s all by itself on Sunday night on FS1, so no bitching about the Apple deal here.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LA. This is pretty easy math. San Jose is in front of FCD, so they gotta be pulled back to the pack a little.

Little Brother Game of the Week

Houston Dynamo vs. Seattle Sounders (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)

FCD’s playing Little Brother #2 this week, so Little Brother #1 slides into this slot by default. And it should be a good one, since Ben Olsen, much to my amazement, has gotten the Dynamo off the mat. They’re in playoff position! They’re even slightly ahead of FCD on point-per-game!

Vince Lombardi sums up my feelings about a competent Houston Dynamo

And they’re facing off against the Sounders. Look, I respect the Sounders. They’re a first-class organization. They’re competently run, they spend money and spend it wisely. They as an organization are a model for the rest of the league.

I don’t feel that same respect toward their fans, who are literally the epitome of being born on third base and thinking that they hit a triple. This is something I used to say about Dynamo fans back in the day when they were enjoying a fully-stocked team that had just arrived from San Jose and they were acting like they were somehow great fans for turning out to see a team that won a lot. Strangely, we haven’t heard from those clowns in several years.

But back to the Sounders’ fans. These jokers will pat themselves on the back for turning out in huge numbers for a team that has won silverware and had never missed the playoffs until last year. Hell, even last year’s non-playoff season came with the freaking CONCACAF Champions League trophy! If you are a Sounders fan, you have had a softer life than most show dogs.

And I hope lots of you turn out to support your team on Saturday night in Houston. Great seats are still available.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Seattle. The time when I took pity on you and occasionally wished you limited success is over Dynamo. Feel free to eat shit until further notice.

“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week

New York Red Bulls vs. New York City FC (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)

The Red Bulls fired Gerhard Struber this week. It should surprise no one. They’re dead last in the Eastern Conference. They’ve had a whopping 14 managers and three interim managers in 27 seasons. Managers are hired to be fired, as the cliche goes, but all the way back to the MetroStars days, nowhere is it more true than in North Jersey.

Some might say that he was fired for making the organization look bad. RB Leipzig is currently third in the Bundesliga. Red Bull Salzburg have won the last nine Austrian Bundesliga titles and are on top this year. Red Bull Racing is running away with the constructor’s championship.

A visual representation of the 2023 New York Red Bulls season thus far

Some might say that Struber was fired for the way he bungled the end of the match a few weeks back where Dante Vanzier uttered the word “monkey” at an Earthquakes player, Luchi Gonzalez almost pulled his team off the field, and Struber still took more than 10 minutes to get Vanzier off the field.

But you know what I say? Red Bull was being proactive in firing Struber BEFORE the inevitable ass-whipping that NYCFC was going to put on them.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: New York Red Bulls. The “new manager” bounce is a thing and frankly, it would just be plain funny.

Bumfight of the Week

CF Montréal vs. Toronto FC (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)

They call this game the Canadian Classique, which is another instance of the Vancouver Whitecaps’ being told, “No one likes you, Vancouver.”

But let’s check in on Toronto FC, shall we? They are the new home of FCD legend Matt Hedges, and I’m sure that he’s prospering in the Great White North…

Oh. Well, injuries happen, TFC’s got a great coach, and I’m sure that his teammates are stepping up, battling through the injuries, and grinding out results… they’re in 13th place in the East?

Damn. That sincerely bums me out. I wanted to Matt to retire as a member of FCD, but I’m also a member of Team Get That Cheddar, so I completely supported his getting paid more than FCD was willing to pay him. And I hate to see guys get hurt, especially FCD legends like Matt.

As for Montreal, I’ve given them a hard time this season for letting Wilfried Nancy leave in the offseason and hiring Hernán Losada. What a bunch of doofuses, amirite? And well, it’s easy to say that when you get shut out six times in your first seven matches, losing all six times. But since then, five straight wins, with two in the Canadian answer to the US Open Cup. Look at you, mes amis!

But you know what three league wins in a row gets you after that dumpster fire of a start? 11th place in the East and a vaunted spot in the Bumfight of the Week!

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Toronto. It sucks for Matt to be on the shelf, but sucks even more for him to be on the shelf and watching his teammates lose.

Good Guys Game of the Week

Austin FC vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)

MLS is calling this Rivalry Week, but let’s face it: It’s store-brand Rivalry Week. I already talked about it, but a lot of the good heated rivalries aren’t being played this weekend. That includes our heroes. We all know what the main event is. That’s right, baby, the one with artillery.

Calling this game a store-brand rivalry is probably a bit harsh. It’s the “Is Pepsi OK?” rivalry on FCD’s schedule. Sure, it’s OK, but it’s not what is best, namely to defeat those clowns from the Bayou City, drive them before you, and hear the lamentation of their women.

And even MLS doesn’t even think it’s a rivalry! Three different writers at Major League Soccer Soccer dot com, Matt Doyle, J. Sam Jones, and Jonathan Sigel, all wrote up previews of this weekend’s games. The number of times the word “Dallas” appears in any of the match previews outside of “Austin FC vs. FC Dallas”? Once, between the three. All of them focused on what this game means to our little buddies down I-35.

That’s like a weekly occurrence. And you want me to believe that this game is special? FCD has lost to the green-and-black onanists once in the history of ever, and you want me to believe this game is special?

Oh sure. THEY think it’s special. It’s the reason why we’re gonna hear all the “FC Frisco” banter that was old back during the Bush Administration and that they ripped off from the Houston fans. And it’s the reason why the chickenous sluts in their front office are only selling something like 12 tickets to our fans.

But their team is shit. They’ve never won anything, they’ve got no history, and their fans are a bunch of transplanted gentrifying herbs who barely understand soccer and who’ll be gone once the next shiny thing comes down the pike.

And this ain’t a rivalry. Wake me up when it’s time to whip Houston’s asses again. This game doesn’t even count for the one measly accomplishment in the storied history of Austin FC:

That is the one appearance of “Dallas,” by the way

For those who don’t have the schedule handy, “time to whip Houston’s asses again” is next weekend.

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