I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
There’s one game worth watching and one game you should absolutely, under no circumstance watch.
First, the latter.
NYCFC vs. Cincinnati
The bottom line is, don’t watch this game.
First all, it’s at the home stadium at New York’s other baseball team, which is usually reason enough not to watch most NYCFC games.
But the most important reason is that it’s on at the exact same time as the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup Final. This is insane, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out what that would be. Is it a rescheduled game? No. This was on the schedule every since the league schedule was first announced late last year:
Nope, the dingbats at MLS headquarters, who obviously knew about the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup Final and didn’t schedule any other games, scheduled this one. Seriously, there wasn’t another night you bozos could’ve chosen for this otherwise mundane Eastern Conference matchup?
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: That you do not even think about tuning in. Seriously, there is no reason for anyone outside of New York or Cincinnati to watch this game.
There’s silverware on the line on another channel, and you’re gonna watch soccer on a baseball field? C’mon now. This is bullshit.
Lamar Hunt US Open Cup Final: Orlando vs. Sacramento Republic (ESPN+, 7:00)
Having dispensed with the nonsensical league game on another channel, let’s get to the marquee matchup, the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup Final.
I’m a big fan of the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup. It’s one of the oldest cup competitions in the world of soccer. It’s named for our team’s late owner, possibly the biggest fan of the game that the United States has ever known. It’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
I’m also a big fan of cupsets. There are few things better than watching some MLS team not named “FC Dallas” getting their lunches eaten by some USL Championship, or better yet, USL League One team. So I should be rooting for the USL Championship team that’s going to roll into Exploria Stadium on Wednesday night, right?
First of all, this column has a standing commitment to root for Óscar Pareja. We hate everyone, but we love Papi.
Second of all, Sacramento sucks. When MLS wisely decided to not put a team there, it joined a long list of people and entities who have looked at Sacramento and said, “Are you kidding me?” The one exception is, of course, the NBA, when the Kings decided to relocate from another third-rate cowtown known as “Kansas City” in the mid ’80s.
About the nicest thing you can say about Sacramento is that it is a short drive from places you’d actually prefer to go to, like the San Francisco Bay Area or Lake Tahoe or Reno or Folsom State Prison. And their local XI has provided us with some nice cupsets in this year’s Open Cup, over the Earthquakes and Galaxy and, most amusingly, Sporting Kansas City.
But this is the end of the line. You will not duplicate the feat last achieved by the 1999 Rochester Raging Rhinos, another lower-division team from another third-rate city that MLS was right to avoid.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando, because this column likes it when good things happen to Óscar Pareja.