I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Did I pick this song by the great Hugh Masekela because FCD will be playing on Seattle’s craptacular plastic field this week? Maybe. Who can even know for sure?
Worst Season Ever Watch
This section might be transitioning back to its original “Last Week” heading. Two wins in the past week are the biggest reason. Are St. Louis City and Minnesota United (minus most of their good players) world-beaters? No. But FCD now has 20 points in 18 games, which puts them only three away from the 2003 total of 23 points in 30 games, and only seven away from beating their 2003 points-per-game of 0.767, which would be 26.07 points over a 34-game season.
This should emphasize how bad that season was and why it might be a season that might not ever be equaled in its ignominy. We saw how this start was terrible, but just as terrible as 2009 and 2012, but a nice run in the second half made those seasons merely bad in the end, not the worst.
Is this season gonna be bad? Well yes. I don’t expect that merely replacing Nico Estévez with Peter Luccin is gonna change this team into an MLS Cup contender. But do I think that this team will pick up seven points in 16 games to close out the season? Yes, I think they have that in them.
2024 – 5 wins, 8 losses, 5 draws, 20 points
2003 – 3 wins, 11 losses, 4 draws, 13 points
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Real Salt Lake vs. LA Galaxy (MLS Season Pass, 8:30)
I’ll be honest with you. I certainly did not expect to have this game in this slot when this season started. Now, the Galaxy part of it seems a little less unlikely. They’ve got five championships, they spend money, and they’ve got an actual competent soccer mind in former FC Dallas great Greg Vanney running the show.
RSL? None of that applies to them. But they’ve got some young talent — AND HAVE ACTUALLY PLAYED THEM — and they went out and spent some money to bring Chicho Arango back to MLS.
And maybe I’m wrong about Pablo Mastroeni. The guy might’ve said some certified wacky things when he was in Colorado, and his first couple of seasons in Utah originated the xDAWG “statistic” among some pundits to refer to his teams’ ability to somehow scrape out results even when they displayed marginal tactical savvy. But suddenly, he’s turned into Pep Guardiola, or at least he’s not screwing it up, and they’re on top of the West.
The Gals have made for a nice palate cleanser this season. I would watch FCD attempt to set records for the most eyeball-bleeding soccer in league history and afterward, I’d switch over to the Galaxy game which started right after, and I’d actually enjoy some watchable soccer. And I’d note to myself that Riqui Puig, as gifted as he is on the attack, would probably never see the field under Nico Estévez because he just barely attempts to play any defense.
The Gals will be missing Riqui Puig again this game due to a groin injury, but even without him, they were fun to watch on Wednesday night after FCD’s win over Minnesota. So this game should serve as a nice appetizer before FCD’s game in Seattle.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, preferably a high-scoring one.
Little Brother Game of the Week
DC United vs. Houston Dynamo (Apple TV+ free game, 6:30)
I was rooting for Nico Estévez in one particular area. The season is horrible, but I was rooting for him to salvage this season by winning the Open Cup. This is a feat that was achieved once before in the MLS era of the Open Cup by DC United in 2013. They had a horrible season that season — in fact, they won the Wooden Spoon — but they salvaged the season by winning the Open Cup.
I bring this up because their coach was one Ben Olsen, who is now the head coach of Little Brother Orange, and this is his first visit to Washington as the coach of an opposing team since he was fired during the 2020 season.
Yes, 2020. For those of you who are paying attention, that was seven seasons after his charges finished dead last in MLS. For those of you who remember such things or can use Wikipedia, that was also three years after DC United once again won the Wooden Spoon in 2017. And the only thing that kept DC United from winning the Wooden Spoon when he was canned in 2020 was FC Cincinnati, who were on their streak of three straight Wooden Spoons at the start of their existence.
Incidentally, this is why I chuckled when Little Brother Orange hired him last season. But I’m sure the DC fans will remember him fondly on his triumphant return with the Orange, who are currently 8th in the West, with only two wins and 11 points in their last 11 games. Or at least they’ll say, “We might stink, but we’re at least not on that ride anymore.”
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: DC United.
”Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
New York Red Bulls vs. Toronto FC (Apple TV+ free game, 6:30)
On Thursday night, Canada hung tight with Argentina for one half before succumbing to the defending world champions and falling 2-0 on a terrible surface at Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta. The current coach of Canada is one Jesse Marsch, who has as one of his coaching career highlights his successful run with the New York Red Bulls in the mid-2010s and whom many tout as someone that the USSF should’ve hired instead of bringing back Gregg Berhalter.
I am not one of those people. Marsch won a lot of games and a Supporter’s Shield in New York and won two Austrian Bundesliga titles with FC Red Bull Salzburg, a club that has won 14 of the 18 championships in that league. However, his time with Red Bull’s biggest club in Leipzig ended after five months and 21 matches after getting bounced from the UEFA Champions League rather early and languishing in the middle of the Bundesliga table. A couple of months later, he moved to Leeds United and lasted less than a season there.
And now, he’s been with Canada for four matches, with his salary paid by Canada’s MLS clubs because the Canadian Soccer Association is more or less broke, and he has yet to win a game.
As a hater, this amuses me greatly. As a fan of the United States national teams, this amuses me greatly.
His predecessor, John Herdman, must be glad to be clear of that wreckage and appears to have landed the better gig with Toronto FC, who are owned by Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment, who are the furthest thing from broke. He is also apparently only the second coach in club history to actually have the first team playing competently… relatively speaking. They’ve still lost more than they’ve won, but they’re actually in a playoff spot, which is not a common thing for TFC outside of the Greg Vanney era.
And it kind of makes me think that TFC, along with the Whitecaps and CF Montréal, might be paying for Jesse Marsch to ensure that they’ll continue to have the best coaches in Canada, and not the CSA.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Toronto FC. But I’m sure that what I just wrote implies way more competence and deviousness than they or their other Canadian MLS fellows have.
Sickos Game of the Week
Orlando City vs. Chicago Fire (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
Something’s been bugging me for several weeks, ever since this season in Frisco has looked like it was gonna end up being hot garbage, and ever since the same was happening in Orlando: The longing for the Triumphant Return of Óscar Pareja to the FC Dallas Bench.
Look, as a Day One FC Dallas fan, I will always have warm feelings, if not outright love, for Papi. As a player and as a coach, he is probably the most important person in the history of this club who does not have the surname “Hunt.” But I don’t want him back like this. I don’t want him to fail in Orlando, and I don’t want FC Dallas as anyone’s safe landing spot.
Never mind that the return of a great player or coach to a club almost never works out being as good as the first stint. We can all speculate why or why not, but it rarely works out the way people hope it will.
Peter Luccin might be The Man or he might not. If he isn’t, let’s hope for a little more imagination on the part of our favorite club’s ownership and technical staff than to just dial up Papi’s agent. If we need any more evidence why not, just look at the Chicago Fire, who just can’t quit Frank Klopas.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Seattle Sounders vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
If there’s one bright side to this season, it’s that we won’t see FC Dallas vs. Seattle Sounders in the playoffs again. That would, of course, require that both teams make the playoffs, and that just ain’t happening.
Then again, both teams are on warm streaks, with FCD getting seven points in the last three games and Seattle getting eight out of their last five, with a comeback from 2-0 down to get the 2-2 result in Houston on Wednesday night. So maybe a matchup in the play-in game is in the card.
Oh joy.
The important thing here is to manage expectations. FCD, during the last week, has won twice and actually been somewhat fun to watch, but it’s just two games against a fellow struggler and against a reserve team. Besides, it’s been literally years since they won in Seattle.
On the other hand, the Sounders stink this year, recent warm streak notwithstanding. If there was ever a time when those clowns could be gotten, it’s now. And frankly, I want to see the sheer comedy of Sounders fans clamoring for the departure of a coach who has won two MLS Cups and a CONCACAF Champions League for them.
My God, our fanbase pines for the return of a guy who won a Supporters Shield and an Open Cup — and rightfully so — so I can’t imagine being so entitled that I’d delude myself into writing on Al Gore’s internet that he should be canned and yet, you’ll find such things.
And since I’m in this for the comedy, I want to see neckbeards who clad themselves in a shade of green that does not occur in nature to write stuff like this more often:
C’mon boys, win this one for yourselves and win this one to really make Seattle fans show their asses online.