I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
There were supposed to be two games last week. The first one took place. It was unwatchable and it set soccer back about 50 years, but the 0-0 result in Houston kept El Capitán in Frisco, it got a FCD a valuable road point, and while it wasn’t the best possible result, it was certainly the funniest because… it means that Little Brother Green held onto the very silly Copa Tejas, despite losing two out of three this season to FCD and two out of three to Little Brother Orange. Great job, Copa Tejas.
The second game, which would’ve been at the friendly confines of Toyota Stadium on Wednesday night against the Colorado Rapids, did not take place, due to a biblical thunderstorm that had lightning strike late enough that it couldn’t be played and sent pieces of the stadium flying. It’s been rescheduled to October 14, at which point I’ll still be on vacation and eating great stuff like this:
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Seattle Sounders vs. Vancouver Whitecaps (Apple TV+ free game, 9:30)
I lean heavily on two types of jokes about the Vancouver Whitecaps:
- That Vanni Sartini’s sideline apparel can best be described as “weekend dad chic.”
- That nobody cares about the team from the westernmost major city in Canada, geographically isolated from the rest of Canada, most of the United States, and frankly, most everyone outside of a lot of bears and salmon and loggers.
But here they are, in the top billing for this week! The reason why is of course because Seattle kinda-sorta cares about beating Vancouver, Vancouver REALLY cares about beating Seattle, and most importantly, both teams are good this season! Well, good-ish. Seattle has 49 points and is 2nd in the West and are just barely about 1.5 points a game. Vancouver’s only three points behind in 5th. And both have already qualified for the playoffs!
And credit where credit is due: Jokes aside, Vartini has done a great job with the Caps this year! A victory for dads everywhere who are workin’ for the weekend! And everyone’s favorite tax accountant Brian Schmetzer and his Sounders have bounced back nicely from last year outside of the playoffs.
So stay up for #MLSAfterDark for this game. No, the Cascadia Cup will not be on the line, because Vancouver’s already clinched it. Huh. A three-team rivalry cup that’s run non-stupidly.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, of course.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Los Angeles FC (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
I had to make this game the Little Brother Game of the Week, for two reasons:
- The alternative was Little Brother Orange’s home game against the Colorado Rapids. Gross.
- LAFC can take Little Brother Green out back and put them out of their misery.
OK, that point #2 is slightly exaggerated, since even a loss wouldn’t put Little Brother Green out of the playoffs, since that would put them three points behind FCD with a game to go. Weird stuff could happen with the tiebreakers and all that.
However, this Little Brother Green season has been a delight for those of us who support the True Kings of Texas. Not only is Little Brother Green almost certainly not going to make the playoffs, their entitled fan base is calling for Josh Wolff’s head and finding reasons not to turn out to Q2 Stadium.
I guess the charms of Austin’s “second downtown” (insert laugh track here) or staying home in Round Rock or Pflugerville are too hard to resist.
But hey, they won Copa Tejas!
You hate to see this happen to an FCD fan favorite like Matt Hedges, but the guy’s a pro. He’ll put in a professional effort for however long he’s in the game, then have their idiot fanbase drag him because he isn’t rending his garments at the final whistle when Little Brother Green is eliminated.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LAFC. And hopefully, FCD fan favorites Ryan Hollingshead and Kellyn Acosta each score a goal as a little treat.
Sickos Game of the Week
Inter Miami vs. FC Cincinnati (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
🚨 LIONEL MESSI CONTENT ALERT 🚨
You know, if there’s one thing that I’ve loved about seeing Lionel Messi’s arrival in MLS, other than seeing greatness without having to subscribe to a streaming service that carries that very silly channel BeIN Sports, it’s that he’s exposed a huge dipshit element surrounding American soccer.
Sports fans understand that athletes are human beings and that human beings occasionally break down physically when performing sports at a high level, especially human beings who are past the age of 30. Lionel Messi is no different. He is perhaps the greatest of all time, but he is 36 years old. And not surprisingly, in the process of Inter Miami and the Argentine National Team riding him like a rented mule, he got injured.
However, some people lose their damn minds when it comes to Messi:
But this is the sort of dipshittery that is ever-present in American soccer, where mid-summer friendlies between famous Euro clubs that feature shirts with no names and large shirt numbers command high ticket prices from people who often don’t know the offside rule, and where doofuses who probably watch zero live soccer and don’t know the difference between man marking and zonal marking give themselves Twitter handles like “Tactical Manager.”
The good news for these nutriders is that Messi will likely be back for this game. The bad news for them is that he’ll be back for the game against your newly minted Supporters Shield winners FC Cincinnati. Even most bad news is that it’ll be Cincy’s second look at Messi, which usually hasn’t gone well for Inter Miami.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Cincy. I’ve got nothing against Messi or Inter Miami, but they’re essentially out of the playoffs, and I just want to see what happens to the crowd at Son of Lockhart Stadium when an opponent puts up a big number.
Good News Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. San Jose Earthquakes (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
Look, FCD, I’m proud of you. You’ve had to roll out some “interesting” lineups this season due to injuries and international call-ups and look at you! You’re still on the right side of the playoff line! But my God, you’ve been unwatchable at times. And your inability to win some games at home this season has been a bit concerning.
But this is your chance to end on a high! You’ve got three games left, two of them at home, a week apart! No midweek games, no squad rotation! Yes, I’m looking at you right now, Nico.
(By the way, I do plan on visiting La Mestalla while I’m here in Valencia and if you don’t mind, Nico, I’m gonna drop your name frequently as a close personal friend. Hopefully, they’ll give me the private deluxe tour. And for the record, your hometown is a truly lovely place.)
What I’m saying is that there are no excuses for six points before Decision Day. None of this home draw bullshit. That was intolerable against Columbus, and it’ll be even more so against a team that is one lousy point ahead of FCD in the table. And while Luchi Gonzalez is a nice enough guy, he doesn’t deserve jack or squat when he returns to Toyota Stadium. Certainly no free points for his old club.
It’s time to drop the hammer on some clowns.