I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
MLS Cup Final
West #2 LA Galaxy vs. East #7 New York Red Bulls (Fox and Apple TV+ free game, 3:00)
So here we are at the end of another MLS season and once again, FC Dallas is not playing for an MLS Cup. This should be a surprise to no one, and if it’s a surprise to you, congratulations on surviving your first season as an FCD fan. It’s usually a bit better than this.
For the rest of us, there is the resigned and completely unsurprised knowledge that “not appearing in 27 out of 28 MLS Cup Finals” has now been changed to “not appearing in 28 out of 29 MLS Cup Finals,” but that was made official in October and we knew it was gonna be the case since April or May.
But enough feeling sorry for ourselves as FCD fans. Let’s talk about the teams that will be playing.
While “LA vs. New York” is usually enough to make league executives’ hearts go pitter-patter and make us in the rest of the country reach for the barf bags, this isn’t a terribly repulsive matchup.
In fact, neither team is the most repulsive team in their own market. This would’ve surprised most of us who have been following this league for many years, which is just another way of admitting that we’re gettin’ old.
But think about it: Who’s more repulsive, the former MetroStars who are appearing in only their second final in 29 years, or their sportswashing neighbors across the Hudson who’ll play anywhere, as long as it’s a baseball stadium? Who’s more repulsive, the five-time champions who have had a rough decade since their last trophy, or their nouveau-riche little brothers in downtown LA who have subjected me to Will Farrell’s face more in the last seven years than Saturday Night Live ever did?
Frankly, if you wanted to write a feel-good story about either team in this game, both teams will give you lots of material: The Galaxy, who have played attractive, free flowing, attacking football all season long, led by their now-injured Barcelona cast-off and a cast of good players who don’t sell tens of thousands of tickets wherever they go. The Red Bulls, who came improbably from the #7 seed in the East to end up in this game and have the opportunity to do something that they have never done in their 29 years.
But this column ain’t about feelin’ good. It’s about sports-hate, schadenfreude, petty grievances from a 29-year Dallas Burn and FC Dallas fan.
So my rooting pick?
I’m going with the team led by a former FC Dallas player with two former FC Dallas players in the lineup, and I’m going with the former MetroStars going 0-for-29 because it would be just plain funny, especially since this time, they would’ve failed while their opponent’s best player was out of the lineup.
Win it for Edwin Cerrillo and John Nelson and put that sixth star on the shirt, assholes.