I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
I remember the date pretty clearly: June 4, 1998. The Dallas Burn were hosting the Los Angeles Galaxy at the Cotton Bowl. It was a Thursday night because in those days, ESPN2 carried a regular Thursday night MLS game. It was a rainy night, and I’m pretty sure that I have things that are still drying out after standing out in the rain for 90 minutes.
The Burn lost 8-1.
And yet, I would call last Saturday night’s loss in Vancouver a worse loss. You see, that ’98 loss to the Gals had a few mitigating factors:
- Leonel Álvarez was sent off in the 18th minute, and the Burn played most of the match a man down.
- The Burn actually scored, and it was an olimpico scored by Damian Álvarez.
- The Burn actually had some of the ball, but without Alain Sutter, who had just suffered his career-ending injury a few weeks earlier, had difficulty converting that possession into goal-scoring chances. They finished dead-last in goals scored — with 43 — for a reason. Still, they had nine shots, with five on target.
- The Gals in 1998, on the other hand, were one of the best scoring teams in league history, with 85 goals scored in 32 games. They were also the best defensive team in 1998, with 44 goals conceded. They scored five or more goals six times in the regular season. A month earlier, they beat Colorado 7-4.
- The game was a beating, but it was 4-1 until the 80th minute. It just got out of hand at that point. Ezra Hendrickson scored in the 81st. Then Harut Karapetyan — who had come on in the 78th minute — proceeded to score in the 82nd, 85th, and 87th minutes, setting a record for the fastest hat trick in league history.
Last Saturday night, on the other hand, Vancouver sat on FCD for 90 minutes and didn’t allow FCD to do anything. The score was 3-0, and the Whitecaps didn’t score until just before halftime, but at no time did the game ever feel competitive. They outshot FCD 22-0. (At least according to MLS. Some other sites gave FCD credit for the wildassed shot that Bernie Kamungo sent into the stands in the first half.) They had 10 shots on target. Vancouver was one of the league’s highest scoring teams in 2025, but they didn’t have to score goals in bunches. They didn’t just beat FCD; they had essentially rendered any sort of resistance a futile gesture.
Walking out of the Cotton Bowl on June 4, 1998, I was mad about how the Gals had beaten the Burn. Turning off the TV last Saturday night, I felt well and truly defeated. It was the worst individual game that FCD had taken in 30 years.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
East #7 Columbus Crew vs. East #2 FC Cincinnati (Apple TV free game, Sunday at 5:30)
While the West #2 was crushing the spirit of the West #7 and the West #7’s fans, the East 2-7 matchup was a bit more competitive. As in, it looked to be headed to the penalty shootout — which I maintain is a worse tiebreaker than MLS’ old 35-yard shootout — until Kévin Denkey tapped in a loose ball in the box in the 78th minute for the winner.
Was FCC the better team on the night? Yes. They finished as one of the top teams over the course of the season for a reason, and they were at home. But Columbus was competitive. They held FCC without a goal for most of the match. They had opportunities of their own. And they did so with a terrible injury list that has deprived them of multiple starters.
It was an entertaining game, which is all that you really want or need from a playoff game in the other conference at this point in the playoffs. I would say, “Entertain me more, peasants,” but we would then have to go back to the idea that clubs from Cincinnati, Ohio, and Columbus, Ohio, are bigger clubs in 2025 than a club from one of the nation’s biggest soccer hubs, a club in the nation’s #5 media market.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Columbus, simply because I want this series to go to a game 3.
Little Brother Game of the Week
West #6 Austin FC vs. West #3 Los Angeles FC (FS1 and Apple TV free game, Sunday at 7:45)
Let’s do a quick checklist for Little Brother Green’s first playoff game in three years:
- Little Brother Green outpossessed their opponent ✅ (57%-43%)
- Little Brother Green had more passes than their opponent ✅ (580-423)
- Little Brother Green had a higher passing accuracy than their opponent ✅ (88.5%-84.6%)
- Little Brother Green outshot by their opponent ✅ (18-8)
- Little Brother Green with fewer shots on target ✅ (5-2)
- Little Brother Green with only one goal ✅
You get a blue ribbon from the Chairman of the People Against Beautiful Soccer Tactics (PABST), Nico Estévez!
As for my own personal checklist:
- Little Brother Green lost in the final 15 minutes ✅
- B-list celebrity sighting at LAFC match ✅
I was gonna make a joke here, wondering about whether MLS telecasts on Apple had more or fewer viewers than the Wes Anderson films in which Owen Wilson regularly appears, but thanks to MLS’ new Korean fanbase, I know what the answer is for this series. But it’s still nothing compared to the number of people who are seeing his brother Luke in all those AT&T ads. Anyway, enjoy a montage of Owen saying “Wow.”
This is where I would point out that both Owen and Luke Wilson grew up in Dallas, went to St. Mark’s, and, to my knowledge, have been nowhere near Toyota Stadium. C’mon, Dan, you can’t be letting Clark get all the celebs to Chiefs games!
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LAFC, and I’m praying to you, Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus (h/t to LAFC co-owner Will Ferrell), please bless us with some prime bitterness from Little Brother Green fans about the number of Korean fans rooting for the opposition at Q2 Stadium.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
East #8 Chicago Fire vs. East #1 Philadelphia Union (Apple TV free game, Saturday at 4:30)
First, let me get the venue-related cattiness out of the way: If I owned a professional sports team, I would not pick a home venue in which I would be shut out of the dates on which I would be playing my most important games. Yes, that’s right, folks: The Chicago Fire will be hosting this game at their once-and-suddenly-present home, SeatGeek Stadium in Bridgeview.
No, it’s not because Soldier Field will be occupied by its primary tenants, the Chicago Bears, this weekend. They’re on the road in Cincinnati.
I don’t know squat about rugby, but I do know that both Ireland and New Zealand are pretty damn good, and the game will probably get a good crowd. It certainly beats Ye Olden Days, in which the Gals played at the Rose Bowl and had a playoff game scheduled awkwardly due to the monthly flea market at the Rose Bowl.
Now, with all that out of the way, I do need to give a tip of the cap to the Fire. They had just gotten done playing the wild-card game on Wednesday night and had to turn around to head to Philly to play the Supporters Shield winners, a team that had beaten the stuffing out of them in the regular season. And… they represented. They came back from 2-0 down in the 80th minute to level the match in stoppage time.
Now, that just meant that they had to go to a penalty shootout, which they lost, but it’s certainly a better showing than what they did in the regular season. It’s a better showing than what their fellow wild-card game winner, Portland, did in San Diego. And of course, it’s better than what the West #7 seed did in Vancouver.
Still, the cruel thing is that Chicago, like Portland and FCD, is now 1-0 down in a best-of-three series.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philly. I hate saying nice things about the Fire.
Good Guys Game of the Week
West #7 FC Dallas vs. West #2 Vancouver Whitecaps (Apple TV free game, Saturday at 8:30)
Now, I just got done calling Chicago’s fate cruel because MLS has brought back best-of-three, but in FCD’s case, it’s a blessing. They could’ve gotten beaten 8-1, and they’d still only be down 1 game to 0. When this game kicks off, the score will truly be 0-0.
Compare and contrast to 2016, in which your Supporters Shield-winning FC Dallas went up to Seattle for the first leg of the Western Conference Semis, got beat 3-0, and the series was essentially over before they came to Frisco for the second leg. FCD won that match 2-1, for what it was worth, but they kicked off down 3-0. The consequences for mistakes made in the first leg carried over to the second.
Maybe it’s just the lifelong American sports fan in me, the fan who gets to see best-of-five and best-of-seven playoff series in baseball, basketball, and hockey, but I’ve kind of got a problem with that. You win, you lose, and that’s all that matters going forward, not HOW you won or you lost. So I was pretty OK with MLS having best-of-three in the early years, and I was pretty OK with the single-elimination knockout that MLS had the few years before the Apple deal.
So while I started this column, talking about how the loss in Vancouver last Saturday night was the worst beating in club history, the only score that matters is “Vancouver leads one game to none.” And since Eric Quill is a bit more of a coach than he appeared in the Lucho Acosta era, I’m sure he’s emphasizing this to the team over and over and over again.
And I’m sure he’s also emphasizing to his team that the next loss will be the last game of the season. If they lose on Saturday night, they’re done. If they win, but lose next Friday night, they’re done. If they win both and advance, it’s gonna be single-elimination from that point onward.
That simplifies things a bit. Victoria o muerte, chicos.