I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
I hate Kansas City. That is all.
Two matches — one in the MLS regular season and one US Open Cup match — in Kansas City that’s actually in Kansas, and FCD headed home with a loss in MLS play and an elimination from the Open Cup.
But hey, they at least held Dániel Sallói scoreless for a change. Progress!
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Los Angeles FC vs. Columbus Crew (Apple TV+ free game, 9:30)
When we last saw these two clubs on the same field, it was MLS Cup 2023 at Lower.com Field in Columbus. The Crew won 2-1, a result which was deeply satisfying to most MLS fans outside of Cincinnati and Los Angeles (although Galaxy fans enjoyed it greatly).
A year onward, both teams are doing more or less what you’d be expecting from them. Columbus is near the top of the Eastern Conference, although not at the top. LAFC is at the top of the Western Conference and is about to bring in a striker who was born when Ronald Reagan was in the White House. (To be fair, it’s what Inter Miami has done. Multiple times.)
Since this is the obvious best matchup of the week, you’d expect Apple’s lead announcing team of Jake Zivin and Taylor Twellman to be on the mic for this one. But no! It’s gonna be Keith Costigan (who is the rebuttal to any notion that an English accent is a mark of quality) and Maurice Edu (who apparently made some bad investments and now has to work for every English-language network in this country).
In fact, the Zivin-Twellman pairing is nowhere to be found this weekend, which might seem odd until you consider that Inter Miami is off this weekend. Twellman is undoubtedly using the week off to review old Ray Hudson tapes, taking notes on new ways to gush over Lionel Messi. (Zivin’s actually working the Portland-RSL game with Devon Kerr, but let me have my little jokes.)
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Columbus.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Seattle Sounders (Apple TV+ free game, 7:30)
Frankly, I resent having to write about Little Brother Green. Their origin story is horrible, they have someone in their ownership group who manages to act goofier in public than almost any other MLS owner, and their fans are ridiculous. But they’re here, they’re cringy, and most importantly, they’re FCD’s next opponent on Wednesday night. So let’s talk about them.
There’s actually one thing I like about them. It’s how irrationally angry a segment of their fanbase gets about the continued employment of Josh Wolff. It’s so hilarious. This is a team who in their brief existence has never been that good, but also never been that bad. They’re currently in 8th place, which seems about right for them. They’re fine.
And yet, for our green-and-black-clad pals, it’s apparently a problem. And this is how you know that they’re dopes. Look, soccer is a player’s game. The manager can never make a team better, they can only screw things up. At best, they’ll sign good players and put them together in the right way to maximize their potential. So when your team has a revolving door of guys that FCD considered surplus to requirements, what do expect?
I mean, as bad as our own team has been this season, there has never been any sort of pronounced regret among the FCD fanbase that Jáder Obrian was now in Austin as their big offseason signing. What does that tell you?
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that Seattle’s back on their “sandbag in the first half, play like a buzzsaw in the second half” bullshit.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Toronto FC vs. Philadelphia Union (Apple TV+ free game, 6:30)
Gregg Berhalter was fired as head coach of the US Men’s National Team this week.
Now, I personally thought it was foolish to bring him back after the 2022 World Cup — if you ask why, just look at how the second cycles for Bruce Arena and Jürgen Klinsmann went — but there was no other possible outcome after the USA went out so meekly in the group stage of the Copa América that they were hosting.
And Jim Curtin has to be cursing his luck. For almost a decade, the Union have been one of the best teams in MLS and in the past few years, Curtin has been one of the flavors of the week, after leading the Union to three Open Cup finals, a Supporters Shield, and within a whisker of the MLS Cup title in 2022.
But now that the USMNT job has opened up, Curtin is presiding over one of the worst teams in the league. How bad is the Union right now? They have fewer points than FCD, who are themselves having a crummy season. Philly has won one of their last 15 games. This is the worst Union team since Curtin’s early years in charge.
However, maybe the next manager of the USMNT will be on the field at BMO Field on Saturday night. John Herdman’s not an oft-mentioned candidate, but let’s look at the record:
- Led the Canadian women’s team to a bronze medal in the 2012 Olympics, a bronze medal in the 2016 Olympics, and the quarterfinals of the 2015 Women’s World Cup
- Led the Canadian men’s team to qualification for the 2022 World Cup, the first qualification in 36 years.
- Got lampooned by Croatian tabloids after promising that Canada would “eff Croatia.” (They lost to Croatia. Badly.)
- Has managed to make Toronto FC watchable, even if they’re not actually good.
And he might actually work for what the USSF is gonna pay, which is more or less what Emma Hayes is making. (Oh yeah, sure, Jürgen Klopp was gonna take that paycheck.)
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Toronto. Eff Philly.
Sickos Game of the Week
San Jose Earthquakes vs. Sporting Kansas City (Apple TV+ free game, 9:30)
It might seem a little odd to have SKC in this slot after they beat FCD twice in the last week, but they’re still crummy. And I’m petty like that. No extra consideration for beating my crummy team, y’all.
And they’re playing one of the worst teams in league history on Saturday night. Why anyone would watch this game when it is on TV at the same time as LAFC-Columbus is beyond me. But that’s why this is the Sickos Game of the Week. If you’re watching this game, you should be under observation over self-harm concerns.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: San Jose, because it would be funny.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. LA Galaxy (Apple TV+ free game, 7:30)
There are two teams that FC Dallas has played more than any other: the Rapids and the Galaxy. It makes sense when you consider that all three teams were together in the Western Conference when the league started in 1996 and outside of two years in the Central Division in 2000 and 2001, have been in the Western Conference with the Rapids and Galaxy ever since.
Meanwhile, the Kansas City Wiz spent a number of years in the Eastern Conference and the San Jose Clash were on hiatus in 2006 and 2007.
But despite over 90 meetings over 29 years, including the worst-ever loss in club history in 1998, somehow I just don’t have the same disdain for them that I do for other teams, like Houston and Kansas City. I’m not sure why.
Of course, I want FC Dallas to pound the Gals into a smooth paste on Saturday. I want FCD to give them the worst loss ever in their club history. But honestly, it wouldn’t be the triumph over villainy itself that doing that against Kansas City would’ve been.
The truth is that the LA Galaxy have gotten somewhat more sympathetic over the last few years. Their crosstown rivals have taken up the mantle of LA’s glamour team. The one-time leaders in gratuitous excess have become more restrained, signing players who’ll perform on the field, rather than off the field. They have struggled, they have missed the playoffs. And now, they play a positive, entertaining style.
They have become the Columbus Crew. And that’s probably the most insulting thing I can say about them.