I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
This team just keeps making history. Already on their way to the worst home record in the 30 years of the club, they set a new record for the longest home winless streak in the 30 years of the club at seven games, breaking the old streak held by the 2005 team, who drew the last game at the Cotton Bowl to the eventual Supporters Shield winners San Jose and were winless in their first five games at the brand new and still under construction Pizza Hut Park. They finally got a win in their sixth game, a US Open Cup semifinal against Chicago, and their first league win at PHP a few days later against expansion Salt Lake.
But that team was good. It was stacked with players who had All-Star Game appearances at one point or another and have become club and league legends. Meanwhile, this team will not have a single player at the All-Star Game later this month. They’re a bad team that leaves players completely unmarked on set pieces. And thus, they found themselves on the wrong end of a 2-0 deficit before fighting back feverishly to make the game a more respectable 2-1 loss.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
FC Cincinnati vs. Columbus Crew (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
We, as fans of FC Dallas, all love the Texas Derby, the only rivalry between Texas teams that matters. (Copa Tejas? It’s fun… if you’re the sort of person who enjoyed having your little sibling with you when you went out on dates when you were younger.) But you know what’s the best rivalry going on in MLS right now? Hell Is Real, that’s what?
Think about it a second:
- Seattle-Portland: Meh.
- El Tráfico: A possible contender, but… the Galaxy’s current contribution to making the games consequential is solely to avoid their own all-time ignominy.
- Toronto-Montréal: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Hold up. Let me consult Google Translate on this one… Comment dit-on «Bumfight» en français ?
- Brimstone Cup: The rivalry killed by realignment 20 years ago
There are probably others you could name off, but you’re not gonna find one that’s hotter between two teams that are actually good, between two teams that are spending money on smart player acquisitions, and that you know is gonna be played in front of a packed house with hyped fans.
So, of course, this is gonna be a game that’s gonna be neither on Fox, nor available to the Apple TV+ subscribers who haven’t paid the MLS Season Pass vig. Never change, MLS.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Columbus, mostly because I’m up in my feelings about how the former Cincy player on FC Dallas doesn’t have double-digit assists already.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. New England Revolution (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
Quick, name the coach:
| 2013 | Western Conference finalist |
| 2014 | 6th in the West, no playoffs |
| 2015 | MLS Cup champion |
| 2016 | 7th in the West, no playoffs |
| 2017 | Western Conference semifinalist, fired |
| 2018 | Not coaching |
| 2019 | 10th in the East, no playoffs |
| 2020 | MLS Cup champion |
| 2021 | 9th in the East, no playoffs |
| 2022 | 8th in the East, no playoffs, fired |
| 2023 | Not coaching |
| 2024 | 14th in the East, no playoffs |
| 2025 | Currently 11th in the East |
The answer is, of course, Caleb Porter. Yes, he’s had those two MLS Cups, but when he doesn’t have Darlington Nagbe, Diego Valeri, Diego Chará, and Lucas Zelarayán in their primes, he’s a safe bet not to make the playoffs. The man has had 10 full seasons as a head coach in MLS. In six of those, he’s missed the playoffs. This year, he looks like a safe bet to make seven times in 11 seasons.
He’s a warmed-over Schellas Hyndman, who coached five and a half seasons in Frisco, led FCD to its only MLS Cup final… and missed the playoffs four times.
But I ask you this: Can Caleb Porter take a nutshot like Hyndman can?
Speaking of former FC Dallas coaches, congratulations to Nico Estévez for advancing to the semifinals of the US Open Cup. Condolences to Nico for losing Brandon Vazquez for the rest of the season, but at least it’s only gonna be a slight drop-off in production.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: New England.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Inter Miami vs. Nashville SC (FS1 and Apple TV+ free game, 6:45)
(2025 Lionel Messi content counter: 11)
After taking the entire month of June off, the Lionel Messi content counter is back, baby! Inter Miami didn’t have too many league game in June because the league took a couple of weekends off, and Inter Miami was busy in the Club World Cup, which they totally earned their way into and how could you ever be so cynical as to think that FIFA put them in just have Messi out there?
But that kind of brings me to the subject of the Lionel Messi content counter. I started it as a way to get Buzz more clicks and to gently lampoon how often Major League Soccer soccer dot com does Messi-related content for no apparent reason. I haven’t checked yet, but if there’s not a feature about Messi’s favorite restaurants in each MLS city, the digital content folks at the league are really falling down.
I get it. It’s the reason why we get a lot more Indonesian content from FC Dallas than we used to. When you’ve got a star that people outside North America are interested in, you keep turning that crank, even when it might seem extraneous.
But now… NOW we’ve got a good reason for Messi content. This is a screenshot from Lionel Messi’s last five league matches from fbref.com:
Add in a goal that he scored in the Club World Cup in June as Inter Miami managed to be the only MLS club to not defecate all over themselves, and the guy is on a bit of a heater. And he’s doing this at the age of 38, playing 90 minutes a match. The guy is literally better at this than almost anyone is at anything.
And while Messi is doing all this, the guy that won the MLS MVP award in 2022, Hany Mukhtar, and the current league leader in goals, Sam Surridge, are both sort of flying under the radar, even though Nashville is currently second in the East, just a point back of 1st place Cincy, led by possibly the best American coach in the league not named Bruce Arena. And oh yeah, Walker Zimmerman is back to full fitness and back with the team after playing (checks notes) five minutes for the USA in the Gold Cup.
To be honest, this would’ve been the SUPERCLÁSICO game this week were it not for Hell Is Real, but hey, at least it’s getting some basic cable shine.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Nashville
Sickos Game of the Week LA Galaxy March Toward History Game of the Week Sickos Game of the Week
LA Galaxy vs. DC United (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
This week, we’re changing this slot back to its original name for two reasons:
- The Gals won last week! And they beat a pretty good, albeit diminished, Vancouver team!
- Their opponent this week might be down bad, even worse than they are!
Now, “down bad” has been the usual state of affairs for DC United for something like 20 years, which is a very amusing thing for those of us who were around when they were winning MLS Cups in 1996, 1997, 1999, and 2004. Yes, they won an Open Cup in 2013, but they did so while putting up literally the worst record in league history. (By the way, the Galaxy are perilously close to keeping that record intact. 2013 DC United finished with 16 points in 34 games. The 2025 Gals are sitting here right now with 12 after 21.)
But in DC United put a new chapter in their Down Bad History earlier this week in their Open Cup quarterfinal in Nashvegas. They had a 2-0 lead in the 24th minute. Then, Nashville proceeded to reel off five goals unanswered, including two by the aforementioned Sam Surridge, one by the aforementioned Walker Zimmerman, and one by the former DC United youth phenom Andy Nájar.
The game started at 8:00 PM Central Time, so you would figure that the game was over around 10. Two and a half hours later…
Eight hours after that:
Now, it’s pretty obvious that DC was planning on canning Lesesne for a while and already had his successor lined up, but that only makes in more hilarious that they let Lesesne coach the team for the Open Cup quarterfinal. If DC had won, would they have fired him anyway? I would’ve loved to find out.
But Goff’s reporting of the DC coaching saga contains the following tidbits about how Down Bad DC United is:
Bravo, DC United, bravo.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: DC United, because I want LA to continue its historic march and because it’ll be genuinely funny if the assistant has success while their new permanent coach is getting his visa and relocating.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Los Angeles FC vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
Imagine telling anyone 25 years ago that in the year 2025, the LA Galaxy and DC United would be playing a league game in LA, and it wouldn’t even be the marquee MLS matchup in its own city. But here we are.
OK, I’ll grant you that “marquee MLS matchup” is likely stretching it when it comes to anything related to FC Dallas in the year 2025, but hey, they and LAFC are both ahead of the Gals and DC United in the table, and that’s good enough for me. Besides, despite their current worsening place in the table, FC Dallas has a surprisingly competent road record.
This led to Eric Quill’s frankly pathetic move last week of having his players stay in a hotel and arrive at Toyota Stadium in a bus, wearing their road travel gear, all in an effort to pantomime a road game and perhaps get some of that road magic at home. Needless to say, it didn’t work. (They also wore their road unis, but we can’t hang that on Quill, but on FCD’s ridiculous shirt sponsorship.)
But this week, they actually are on the road, admittedly at a place where they have never won before, the stadium now known as BMO Stadium in Los Angeles, not to be confused with BMO Field in Toronto. And they’ll get to visit a couple of old friends, Ryan Hollingshead, who has thrived in Los Angeles in his three seasons there, and Nkosi Tafari, who, at least, is drawing a paycheck to live somewhere with really nice weather.
It’s become almost a weekly ritual that whenever Sebastien Ibeagha or Lalas Abubakar duffs a clearance or commits an unfortunate foul in the box that the lamentations begin over the trade that sent Kos to LA in exchange for $300,000 in GAM and an international slot. But just because FCD’s current group of center backs is somewhat suspect does not make Nkosi Tafari necessarily good.
I like Kos as a person and as a personality. But I think that LAFC has established his true value as a center back. Since he last started a match for LAFC on April 5 and played 90 minutes, he has played a grand total of 26 minutes across 10 MLS league matches, one CONCACAF Champions Cup match, one Club World Cup play-in match, and three Club World Cup matches. He’s been healthy the entire time. Meanwhile, only five teams in MLS have given up fewer goals in league play than LAFC.
They are playing great defense, and Nkosi Tafari has not been a part of it. Ryan Hollinghead, who was traded to LAFC for Marco Farfan because Hollinghead wasn’t Nico Estévez’s idea of a defense-first fullback, has been a part of it.
“But we don’t trust management to wisely spend that GAM and international player spot.”
I get it. I don’t trust them either. But I also don’t think that this defense would’ve been any better with Nkosi Tafari getting a lot of minutes. And apparently, LAFC feels the same way. They would rather not play a guy who’s getting $375,000 in guaranteed compensation. Yeah, that’s not much in MLS in 2025, but “he doesn’t cost much” is frankly too big of a consideration with this team.
At least the Matt Hedges nostalgia made some sense. Father Time remains undefeated, but we were at least talking about a former MLS Defender of the Year. Let’s start wishing for the next Matt Hedges and stop pining for a guy who can’t see the field when a team has better options.
But hey, Buzz in on the road right now, which is always a good harbinger for big signings.