I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
That was terrible. Not just last Saturday night against Little Brother Orange, but on Wednesday night in the Open Cup against the Artists Formerly Known As the MetroStars.
Riddle me this, Batman: Why is it that in two games where Petar Musa, Paxton Pomykal, and Marco Farfan return and play significant minutes are the results a 2-0 loss and a 2-2 extra time draw that FCD loses on penalties?
I don’t know. 3rd Degree has much better soccer minds than I’ve got to answer those questions. What I do know is that since my last column, Our Heroes have lost El Capitán, and they’re now out of the Open Cup, and you can’t say that they didn’t go for it in either game. And while I’m not about to start rolling out a Worst Season Ever Watch — they’re still above one point per game — things are not trending in the right direction.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la mañana)
Philadelphia Union vs. Inter Miami (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
(2025 Lionel Messi content counter: 9)
I gotta be honest with y’all: When I saw this game on the schedule, I knew that it was gonna be in this slot. Philly’s on top of the East and Miami’s close behind, right?
Well, um, about that. They’re in sixth, seven points behind Philly. That ain’t bad, but you know, it also ain’t what the league and its sponsors are hoping for. Not that Messi is any danger of being at a Lowe’s anytime soon, either as an employee or a customer, but if things keep up like this, Javier Mascherano might hold off on any big home improvement projects.
But enough about the guy who has apparently declared war on PRO referees in the last couple weeks, let’s talk about the team that’s actually at the top of the East. When the 2024 season drew to a close, Philly found itself outside the playoffs for the first time since 2017, and responded by “parting ways” with Jim Curtin, who had been in charge since 2014 and led them to a Supporters Shield, an MLS Cup runner-up, and three Open Cup runners-up.
Word on the street was that Curtin had never gotten along with Sporting Director Ernst Tanner, but it’s hard to get rid of a successful coach, so the first slip-up that Curtin had, he was out the door. This seems like a rash thing to do, but the Union is flying high with Bradley Carnell in charge, which I guess shows the value of having the technical staff and head coach on the same page. (Pardon me while I glare in the direction of World Cup Way in Frisco.)
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philadelphia.
Little Brother Game of the Week
San Jose Earthquakes vs. Houston Dynamo (Apple TV+ free game, 9:30)
While we’re on the subject of hiring a good head coach and NOT having him handed a box of misfit toys and being told to do something with them, we have the San Jose Earthquakes. We might never know what Bruce Arena said in New England to get him suspended by the league for a year, but it was likely pretty terrible. People on social media and in real life are really interested in what he said or did:
Now, I’m not one of these people that’s against transparency, but this is the toy department of life, y’all. This is going in the same category as finding out whether or not Michael Jordan’s “retirement” in the mid ’90s was actually a suspension by the NBA for gambling. Knowing the answer will not improve your life in any way.
Besides, he’s back and doing well in San Jose. I would say that Luchi Gonzalez must be annoyed that once again, he gets fired from a job, then his successor makes some significant roster upgrades. However, Luchi is currently running the Earthquakes’ academy, so I suppose that it’s something that he was able to get over.
And Bruce gets the opportunity to once again take his former player out behind the woodshed and whoop his ass. Maybe that’s what got him suspended.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: San Jose.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Charlotte FC vs. Columbus Crew (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
The Columbus Crew, to no one’s surprise, is up near the top of the Eastern Conference. Sure, they’re third, but they’re only two points behind co-leaders Philly and Cincy. And to no one’s great surprise, they’ve only lost once in 14 league games, their “home” game in Cleveland against Miami last month. On the other hand, they haven’t won in their last three games, and while two of those games were draws against teams above them in the standings, one was a draw against the backfiring clown car known as CF Montréal.
In any case, I’d rather be a fan of the Crew than a fan of CLT FC at this moment. CLT FC has only registered one win in the last month, a win over USL League One North Carolina FC in the Open Cup. Other than that?
| April 26 | New England | 1-0 loss |
| May 3 | at Columbus | 4-2 loss |
| May 10 | at Nashville | 2-1 loss |
| May 14 | at Orlando | 3-1 loss |
| May 17 | Chicago | 4-1 loss |
Sounds like a prime opportunity for Columbus to get a nice road win.
But honestly, I’d rather be a fan of the Crew than one of CLT FC at just about any time. For one thing, it would mean that I wouldn’t have to tell lies about how Bojangles’ chicken is even in the same league as Popeye’s.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Columbus.
Sickos Game of the Week LA Galaxy March Towards History Game of the Week
San Diego FC vs. LA Galaxy (Fox and Apple TV+ free game, 3:45)
Since the Gals have been appearing in this slot a lot lately and since they are doing truly historic things this season — this is already the worst start to a season for a defending champion in league history — I decided to lock them in for the time being.
That historically bad start to the season started against San Diego at the otherwise friendly confines of Dignity Health Sports Park on the opening weekend of the season, a 2-0 loss. At the time, the general reaction was “Wow, San Diego might be good!” but we found out later on that no, it might also be because the Gals are terrible.
I say “also” because we are 14 games into the season and San Diego is third in the West, four points behind the only competent Canadian team in Major League Soccer. And they’re the host for this game at Southern California’s most prominent cow pasture.
The amazing thing to me is that the field at Snapdragon Stadium is so horrible. First of all, growing grass and other plant life in southern California isn’t all that difficult, thanks to a temperate climate, lots of sunny days, and not too much rain. Every other pro stadium in southern California usually has a grass field, and they’re almost always pristine and smooth as a putting green.
Second, the stadium is on the campus of San Diego State, and while SDSU isn’t exactly an ag school, they are in the California State University system with actual-factual ag schools. Can’t they find someone in Fresno or Bakersfield or wherever that knows how to grow a grass field with deep roots that can stand up to the wear and tear of college and professional sports?
But no. This has been an issue that predates SDFC. Last year, the NWSL San Diego Wave had to move a home game against Racing Louisville to Louisville because of field conditions.
Admittedly, that relocation was in November, in the middle of the SDSU Aztecs football season, but there have been two Frisco ISD games a week at Toyota Stadium for 20 years, and nobody has had to relocate games. But they had relocated an NWSL game, and that should’ve been enough. But no. It was an issue three weeks ago when FCD was there, and it was a problem last week.
Since they’re recreating the field conditions of English football grounds from the ’60s and ’70s, maybe they ought to bring back the brown leather ball to go along with that.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Seattle Sounders vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 2:00)
This might be one of the few times when I will say anything nice about the field at Lumen Field. It might be only a couple of steps removed from the old “Astroturf on top of concrete” that players came to know and love at the old Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia, but at least it’s smooth and predictable, unlike Snapdragon Stadium.
Still not the perfect place for a player who has spent the last two years struggling with injuries affecting his core and below, but that’s no longer my concern. What is also not my concern is his general lack of effectiveness:
Look, y’all, I think that this offseason transfer window was fabulous. Osaze Urhoghide has been one of the best center backs in this team’s history. Kaick is a bit raw, but is showing that the first team is not too big of a step for him, Anderson Julio has been terrific at providing width and verticality, and Lucho Acosta, even if he’s been inconsistent, still shows flashes of the guy that won league MVP two years ago.
But the biggest reason I liked the offseason transfer window? FCD doesn’t have $2 million of payroll going towards a guy who’s been in a funk for two years. Everybody wanted this story to end differently. Everybody wanted Jesús to score left and right for a season or two, get a big money transfer to Europe, and live happily ever after. Or, barring that, for him to become an FCD lifer. But it didn’t, so here we are.
“Say, Dustin, didn’t write all this crap in April when the Sounders came to Frisco?”
I sure did, but what else do you want me to write about? The guy was the face of FCD for years, he’s the son of a former FCD great. He’s worth a couple of columns.
Besides, I could lament how FCD is head for a stadium with a crappy plastic field where they almost never win and will likely have Jordan Morris once again make a case to the USSF at FCD’s expense that he should be on the national team. Or I can sunshine-pump FCD’s chances when they’ll be missing Acosta due to yellow card accumulation and are coming off 120 minutes midweek on the literal other end of the country.
So yeah, I’ll sneer at Jesús Ferreira some more. He’s getting more money in one year in his early 20s to play a kids’ game than I’ll see in my entire life. In the unlikely event that he ever sees this, he’ll be fine.