I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
MLS called their Wednesday night slate this week Matchday 13 because 26 teams were in action. For whatever reason, FCD was not one of those teams, so when I write “last week,” I mean “last week.” But it would’ve been nice to write about a different game than last weekend’s visit to Frisco by Real Salt Lake.
On the upside, it wasn’t a loss, as so many home games have been this year. But despite playing a man up for 30 minutes and the long-awaited return of Paxton Pomykal and the not-so-long-awaited return of Petar Musa, it still took a moment of individual brilliance from Anderson Julio to offset a moment of individual brilliance from Diego Luna, as FCD and RSL showed little else going forward.
Since Eric Quill is still in “try stuff and see if it works” mode, he debuted the innovative back four composed of a left back and three center backs. Oh sure, Lalas Abubakar was playing right back, but anyone who saw his largely unimpeded run up the right side late in the match would know that yes, he is still a center back. A very competent center back, but still… a center back. And you could see the question marks form above the RSL players’ heads when he made that right-side run.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Columbus Crew vs. FC Cincinnati (FS1 and Apple TV+ free game, 6:15)
This is RIVALRY WEEK in MLS, so as a good fan of MLS, I’m gonna make all the games in this column this week, rivalry games. Actually, I’m lying. I’m doing it because it just worked out that way and because I’m not gonna bother you with Little Brother Green’s home game against our new British Columbian overlords. (Incidentally, I’m amused that MLS has seen fit to make the third wheel of the largely unnecessary Copa Tejas play the third wheel of the Cascadia Cup while FCD plays Little Brother Orange and while Seattle plays Portland.)
And while there are a few heaters on the rivalry slate, the hottest one of them all is this one, for two reasons:
- Both teams are near the top of the Eastern Conference.
- They actually have “hell” in the name of the rivalry. C’mon now.
And this game features an early MVP candidate in Cincy’s Evander, one of the stars of FCD’s yearly off-season drama “How Are We Gonna Spend All This Dough We Just Got From Selling a Player?” Ultimately, Cincy’s $12 million won the affections of the Timbers and Evander, but FCD’s got the consolation prize of paying $5 million for the suddenly redundant Lucho Acosta.
Now, some FCD fans are not exceptionally thrilled by the Lucho Acosta Experience, but I ask you this: Is the team better with Lucho than they were last year? Yes, they are. Does Lucho come with his own issues? Yes, he does. That’s why FCD got him for $5 million and not $12 million or more. But relax. We’re 12 games into this season with a new coach and with some already-established roster issues.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Cincy.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Inter Miami vs. Orlando City (Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 6:00)
(2025 Lionel Messi content counter: 8)
Apple is having a SUNDAY ⚡ NIGHT ⚡ SOCCER ⚡⚡⚡ doubleheader this week, and well, this game should’ve been the main event, not the warm-up act, but time zones are a thing in North America, and the other game is gonna be on the West Coast, so here we are.
Even though the rooting pick is a foregone conclusion, I will say that I’m a bit sympathetic to Inter Miami. This is not to say that I’m about to go out and buy a pink jersey with a cruise line’s logo in the middle, but I will say that making them fly out to San Jose for a Wednesday night game and back to Florida for a Sunday game was suboptimal. Meanwhile, Orlando was at home on Wednesday night and can take a bus or train down to Fort Lauderdale for this game. (Yes, train. And there are stations in Orlando and Fort Lauderdale.)
But Lionel Messi tried his damnedest to get himself Sunday night off:
Ah yes, Bruce Arena, known far and wide as a diplomat.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando
Sickos Game of the Week
LA Galaxy vs. Los Angeles FC (Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 8:00)
The nightcap for SUNDAY ⚡ NIGHT ⚡ SOCCER ⚡⚡⚡ doubleheader is this game. It’s gonna be a damn snuff film.
Both teams are 13 games into their schedule. LAFC hasn’t had the greatest start by their standards — currently 5th in the West — but they’re still a good team. And they come into this game on the back of a nice night on Wednesday, pounding the Sounders into submission 4-0 in the latest installment of “We thought that Jesús Ferreira was good!”
Meanwhile, the Galaxy, your defending MLS Cup champions, are having a historic season. And I mean that. For FC Dallas, the high water mark for suckitude is and probably will always be 2003. No other season in this club’s history has come close to six wins, 19 losses, and five draws. Go look it up. In recent history, 2021 and 2024 were pretty trash and they flirted with that level of incompetence for a little while, but pulled out of the dive both times, primarily by firing Luchi Gonzalez and Nico Estévez.
That horrible 2003 Dallas Burn season would be an upgrade over the 2025 LA Galaxy season thus far.
13 games in, they have not a single victory. They have lost 10 games. They have a grand total of three points and eight points behind 14th place St. Louis. They most recently defiled themselves on Wednesday night by blowing a 2-0 halftime lead in Philly to lose 3-2, with the Union’s winning goal coming in the 6th minute of second half stoppage time.
The last time I had a mental health check-in with my Galaxy fan friends, they were completely unconcerned. “Got #6, so it’s all good this year.” I might need to check in on them again.
And oh yeah, for this game, the Galaxy will be returning home after a crosscountry trip for a midweek game, while LAFC was at home on Wednesday night and heading down the 110 to Carson. It has all the makings of an epic bludgeoning. It might not be the 7-0 that the Gals suffered at the hands of the Red Bulls a couple weeks ago, but does it need to be?
So of course you know what I’m rooting for.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Galaxy, because it would be one of the funniest results in MLS history.
BONUS Sickos Game of the Week
CF Montréal vs. Toronto FC (MLS Season Pass, 1:30)
This game and the previous game show the duality of the Sickos Game slot. Sometimes, they’re between two teams that are so obviously mismatched that you suspect the main reason why they’re even playing is because one team has sold tickets for the game. That’s the previous game. Sometimes, they’re between two teams that are just terrible and are going to make you regret whatever time you spend watching the game. That’s this game.
And for added spice, this bumfight is in a rivalry game. Montreal and Toronto just don’t like each other on a historic basis. They’re the two main cities of Canada and have long debated which is more important. One’s the main city of English Canada, and the other is the main city of French Canada. Their sports teams are rivals: Canadiens and Maple Leafs. Argos and Alouettes. And of course, these two teams.
The problem is of course is that these two teams are ass. They are 14th and 15th in the Eastern Conference, and their combined point total would be 17. FCD has managed 16 all by itself in one fewer game, in a season that none of us are 100% happy with.
Montreal has already fired its coach. Toronto hasn’t, but their coach is Robin Fraser, a coach whose coaching career is the embodiment of “hired to be fired,” so you know it’s coming.
This rivalry is known as the Canadian Classique, but this season we should call it the Canadian Assique, amirite?
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. In an unrelated story, Genoa and Atalanta are playing at 1:45 on Paramount+. Atalanta’s currently sitting third and has one of the best attacks in Serie A.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Houston Dynamo (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
This is one of the most confusing times of the year for America’s soccer media, namely the Texas Derby. You and I and pretty much all of the fanbases on either end of I-45 know that it is this rivalry between these two particular teams and only these two teams and that the trophy is El Capitán, the 19th-century cannon which has spent most of its time in the north end of Toyota Stadium.
“Wait, Austin isn’t part of this?”
No. FCD and the two little brothers play for the Copa Tejas. It’s a nice enough silver trophy, but it’s never been in the north end of Toyota Stadium, to my knowledge. It has, however, been in the parking lot of Toyota Stadium, which somehow seems fitting for any trophy that Little Brother Green can play for.
“Wow, that’s really confusing.”
OK, sure. Now I’m sure you’ll tell me all the twists and turns of your favorite reality series. Anyway, I defy anyone to tell me that isn’t one of the best rivalries in MLS:
- Houston and Dallas are the two main cities of Texas, and just don’t like each other. “Flush twice, Houston needs the water” has been a running joke in Dallas since forever.
- It’s 20 years old this year.
- It has actual artillery as a trophy.
- It’s a close rivalry with 20 Dallas victories, 20 draws, and 15 Orange victories
- It had the infamous Ricardo Clark kick of a prone Carlos Ruiz in 2007 that got Clark a nine-game suspension.
- It has had a feisty playoff appearance in 2007, in which FCD got a first leg victory in Frisco and was leading in the second leg until Arturo Álvarez got himself sent off for a red card on Brad Davis, leading to an Orange comeback.
- The games are never over until they’re over: 15 of the 35 meetings have drawn or won due to goals in the last 15 minutes or later, including February’s 2-1 FCD victory.
- The fans don’t like each other or each other’s teams, leading to fights in the stands, fights in the parking lots, stadium bans, and debris thrown at visiting teams.
Or you can be like those goddamned nerds on the Soccerwise podcast who haven’t watched an FC Dallas or Orange game from beginning to end in years and put the Rocky Mountain Cup ahead of it.
By the way, the FCD social media team continues to cook: