I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
It feels kind of appropriate for this team that the following sequence of events has happened in the last week:
- FC Dallas takes a 2-0 lead in Charlotte, with the second goal scored by Petar Musa to break the club’s single-season scoring record.
- Charlotte scores three times in the last 20 minutes to win 3-2.
- FC Dallas returns home for a midweek game and plays another aesthetically unsatisfying game.
- Kaick scores a golazo on an absolute missile of a shot, and FCD wins 1-0.
- FCD clinches a playoff spot when other results on the West Coast go in their direction.
If you’re like me and are thinking, “Wow, that seems kind of early to have a playoff spot clinched, you’re not the only one. The great Steve Davis, dean of FCD media and color commentator on FCD radio, apparently had the same thought:
When you consider all the great teams that this club has had over the years and how easy it has been to make the playoffs some years — eight out of 10 made the playoffs from 1996-97 and from 2002 to 2004, for instance — that’s truly an amazing stat.
And don’t look now, but FCD’s got 50 points with five games remaining, so the team’s point record of 60, which they achieved in 2015 and 2016, is in reach. They’d have to do 2 points a game over the final stretch to match it and 2.2 points a game to beat it, but who’s to say that it’s impossible? All credit to Eric Quill and the players for what they’ve done this season.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Houston Dynamo vs. FC Dallas (Apple TV, 7:30)
This week, I’m leading with the FCD game. This might be the first time I’ve done that. But really, look at this week’s slate. Other than this game, there are only two games that feature two playoff teams:
- New England vs. Chicago
- San Jose vs. Nashville
OK, New England-Chicago has a little juice. They’re 3rd and 4th in the East. I could write a few jokes about Gillette Stadium and Robert Kraft. I could crack wise about how Chicago’s current leading scorer has been on Monterrey’s roster since July.
But c’mon. These two teams are 3rd and 5th in the West. There’s genuine animosity between Dallas and Houston. And there’s El Capitán on the line. There’s so much juice that MLS has named it as one of their MUST-SEE MATCHES:
Pay no attention to the other two matches, which are Sickos-grade for two different reasons.
Fun fact: Little Brother Orange was briefly in 1st place in the Western Conference after they beat Vancouver on August 19.
Even more fun fact: They’ve only won one of their next eight games since. They also sold Jack McGlynn to Stoke City on September 1, showing that a cold, rainy night in Stoke is preferable to the sauna-like conditions at Shell Energy Stadium.
So Little Brother Orange spent the first half of the season looking like a competent Major League Soccer team, during which they still managed to lose to FCD at the Toyota Construction Zone back in March. Good to know that some things never change.
What also never changes is that this game will be played in front of a friends-and-family crowd in Houston, that Ben Olsen will spend 90 minutes on the touchline with a slightly befuddled look on his face, and that FCD will have 40% possession, lose the all-important xG battle, and somehow walk out with the draw or win that’ll have FCD taking El Capitán back to Frisco.
All hail the Kings of Texas.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Vancouver Whitecaps (Apple TV, 7:30)
If Little Brother Orange is playing in the big game of the week, then Little Brother Green falls into this slot by default. To be honest, this game could probably also be the Sickos Game of the Week, but for three items:
- There’s an even better game for the Sickos slot.
- Little Brother Green actually won in Vancouver a month or so ago. They also won in Seattle and Portland this season, making them the only Texas team to ever win in all three Cascadia cities in a season. (Hang the banner.)
- Buzz would side-eye me if I consolidated another slot out of the week’s column.
But it is truly Sickos-grade because Little Brother Green is terrible, as is their tradition. Meanwhile, Vancouver is not terrible. They’re also not that great, as evidenced by the fact that they’re only a point ahead of St. Louis and two points ahead of FCD. But hey, not everybody can be Nashville.
And hey, maybe it ain’t great to sell one of your best players midseason without replacing him. Note that I didn’t say “best player.” Thomas Müller still exists, you know. But Sebastian Berhalter was their best domestic player, and since he went to Middlesbrough, Vancouver have played 13, won five, lost four, and drawn four. That’s not terrible, 1.58 PPG, but before his departure the Caps played 16, won 10, lost three, and drew three, for 2.06 PPG.
Worse still, they lost in the semifinals of the Vancouver Whitecaps Invitational, also known as the Canadian Championship, to sorry-ass CF Montréal. That’s terrible, going from winning four straight titles, to losing to a club that barely belongs in Major League Soccer. They’ll have to actually work for their spot in the CONCACAF Champions Cup next season.
And they’ll have to work to maintain their spot on top of the West, but hopefully not too hard. I’m still gonna dream the impossible dream of FCD being on top after Decision Day.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Sickos Game of the Week
Atlanta United vs. Inter Miami (Apple TV, 6:30)
During this most recent international break, Lionel Messi played his final match for Argentina. It was truly impressive how he went from a place where there was grumbling among Argentine fans about how his heart was more with Barcelona than with Argentina to a national hero whose likeness gets painted next to Diego Maradona’s on murals across the country.
And he’ll spend the twilight of his career focused on his life in South Florida, as do so many retirees. His coach, Kily González, knows what’s up. He doesn’t have to deal with his best player getting on long flights to Argentina and elsewhere in South America and the world to play for the Albiceleste:
And unspoken here is the recognition that Father Time comes for everyone. González gets Messi’s undivided attention for now. But one day, Messi will get out of bed and ask himself if he still wants to do this anymore. He’s achieved everything worth achieving in the game. He’s widely recognized as the greatest player of this era. (Sorry, CR7 stans.) He’s reached the mountaintop. He’ll decide that the juice is no longer worth the squeeze, and he’ll retire.
And when that day comes, Inter Miami will be well and truly boned.
They won’t be as boned as their predecessors in Major League Soccer. They’re not owned by Ken Horowitz, and they’re not playing in a high school stadium in Fort Lauderdale. But this era will be gone, never to return.
No longer will they have an all-time great making things happen on the field, not just as the greatest talent of his generation, but also as an all-time great team player.
No longer will their technical staff be lauded for roster management when they can get players to take a discount to play with that all-time great.
No longer will their fans be able to come through the gates, full of expectation for wins and silverware and seeing that all-time great.
They’ll be just another Major League Soccer team, albeit one that spends a lot of money. And on Saturday night, they might be lining up across from their future in the form of Atlanta United, a team that caught lightning in a bottle back in the last 2010s and has spent the 2020s closer to the bottom of the Eastern Conference than the top, despite spending more money than almost anyone else in the league.
They’ve tried everything to bring that magic back, but nothing has worked yet. And their crowds have declined, despite the reasonably-priced concessions at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. They’ll get a good crowd on Saturday night as people come to watch the greatest player of our generation perform his magic and make professionals look like amateurs. But it won’t be to watch their own XI.
Enjoy Superclub Present’s resounding victory over Superclub Not-So-Distant Past, but understand that the future arrives quickly.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
