I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Saturday
Eastern Conference Final: #3 Inter Miami vs. #5 New York City FC (Apple TV free game, 5:00)
There’s just so much I hate about this game.
The only non-chalk participant this weekend, the only team that came from the lower half of either conference’s playoff teams, is… a sportswashing operation that has played the vast majority of the home games in their history in one baseball stadium or another due to their unresolved superiority complex towards New Jersey.
But they’re here because they beat CLT FC, a team that I still can’t believe finished fourth in the East, which is not too big of an upset, then, in an actual-factual upset, went down to Chester and became the instrument of the Supporters Shield Curse with a couple of big honkin’ names on their injury list. Are they a feel-good story? Absolutely not, and I will not tolerate Apple TV’s commentators telling me otherwise on Saturday afternoon.
But their opposition? Inter Miami. Anyone rooting for this team quite likely also roots for the Cowboys, the Lakers, Liverpool, and amusingly, the Yankees, if you know what I mean. This is an organization that’s about to commit a big honkin’ rugpull once their stadium opens next year. They’re not gonna dump salaries the way the Marlins have done twice. MLS gonna MLS. But the days of rolling out 2015 Barcelona will be over.
”Hey, Messi signed an extension!”
But Jordi Alba and Sergio Busquets have already announced their retirements, and Luis Suárez is 39 and out of contract. What do you think is gonna happen? And it’s not as if Messi’s new contract precludes him from retiring after next season.
So it would be legitimately funny for them to go down now.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: (sighs) NYCFC
Western Conference Final: #1 San Diego FC vs. #2 Vancouver Whitecaps (Apple TV free game, 8:00)
This is Thanksgiving weekend, so allow me to tell you what I’m thankful for.
- I’m thankful that I’m not talking about one of the Usual Suspects in this slot. Oh sure, we’ve got Southern California vs. Cascadia, but at least the former isn’t the Galaxy or LAFC and the latter isn’t Seattle or Portland.
- I’m thankful that San Diego beat Minnesota’s brand of anti-football last weekend and did so with possession and stylish football. Didn’t actually produce a shot on goal or more than one goal, but such things happen.
- I’m thankful that this game will be played on a field that doesn’t resemble a cow pasture, thanks to a new field being laid this week.
- I’m thankful that Son Heung-Min scored an absolutely beautiful goal to level the game at the end of regulation. As a 30-year fan of Tottenham Hotspur, I will never not love watching Sonny play.
- I’m also thankful that LAFC gave us the full Spursy experience of playing a man up from second-half stoppage time, then two men up for the last 10 minutes of extra time, and not only not scoring during that time, but losing in penalties.
- I’m thankful that Thomas Müller gave us the full Bayern Munich experience of not actually being on the field for any of that extra time, but somehow still winning because their opposition’s shots cannot make them pay for their mistakes.
But most of all, I’m thankful that after watching two teams that nauseate me in the Eastern Conference Final, the soccer gods have blessed me with a matchup between two teams that are at the other end of the hatability scale. And if those gods are truly benevolent — which any fan of this game knows is a tall order — either one of these teams will the drop the hammer on Miami or NYCFC next week.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver.