I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
LA Galaxy vs. San Diego FC (Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 6:00)
It’s great that MLS is featuring two expansion teams opening against one another this weekend. Oh wait, the Galaxy aren’t an expansion team? They’re starting their 30th season along with FCD? They’re the defending MLS Cup champs? Oh.
But seriously, they’ll be without Riqui Puig (out most of the season with an ACL), Dejan Joveljić (off to SKC for a big pile of cash), and Marky Delgado (off to LAFC for a smaller pile of cash), each of whom played more than 30 league game last season. And the reinforcements have not been, um, quite as impressive. Ask not for whom the salary cap tolls, it tolls for thee, I guess.
But wait! There’s late-breaking news!
I’m sure that Big Pile of GAM will be a welcome addition to the side for their opener at home, or maybe since they’re in the business of making good transactions these days, they’ll turn it into another quality player. Who can even know?
The actual expansion team? Well, they took all the money that they would’ve otherwise spent on creating a unique brand — seriously, San Diego FC? — and spent it on Chucky Lozano. And what they had left over, they put into hiring a guy as a coach who has no first-team professional experience. What could go wrong there, ask all the FC Dallas fans knowingly.
Personally, I’ve got no clue how good that team is. But then, you’re not reading this column for solid analysis, are you? I’m here to make dumb jokes.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Sporting Kansas City (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
I’m not even sure how Sporting Kansas City got into the CONCACAF Champions Cup. I guess it was their reward for making it to the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup final last season. But they did, so they were scheduled to play a first-round game against Inter Miami on Tuesday night, which was postponed because of extreme cold and snow in Kansas City. And when they played on Wednesday night, there was only extremely cold.
But despite the droll signs from some of the hundreds of fans who made their way across Hoth to Children’s Mercy Park, SKC lost 1-0 and got to turn their attention to this game.
Their opponents had a busy offseason. They sold Sebastián Driussi, they let Matt Hedges walk, they spent a lot of money on players, and they hired a coach whose name escapes me at the moment. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. They’re still Little Brother Green.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
FC Cincinnati vs. New York Red Bulls (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
Six months ago, if you told me that I would be writing about this game and that one of the teams would be your defending Eastern Conference Champions, I would’ve 100% guessed it would be FC Cincinnati.
But it wasn’t.
Fortunately, they’re not also MLS Cup champions and they get to stay in the crab bucket with FCD and the New England Revolution for at least one more season. Hey, if FCD ain’t winnin’, at least neither of those bozo teams should win it and beat FCD to their first title.
And you know what the New York Red Bulls also didn’t do? They also didn’t sell an absolute baller to FCD this past offseason. Cincy did, however, and turned around and bought a baller — Evander — off of Portland. Portland, in turn, bought Joao Ortiz from Independiente del Valle in Ecuador, but that’s not the important part. The important part is that Cincy did their part to help FCD bolster their squad after losing Alan Velasco to Boca Juniors:
Oh well. Thanks for the dough, Boca!
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Cincy
Sickos Game of the Week
Nashville SC vs. New England Revolution (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
When we last saw both these teams, they were ending the 2024 season near the bottom of the Eastern Conference. No shame in that, of course, since FCD didn’t exactly blow the doors off of their 2024 season either.
But the new season brings newfound hope, amirite? Especially if you’ve got a new coach, or in the case of Nashville a “newish” coach. B.J. Callaghan got nine league games last season after Gary Smith was loaded into the ejection seat. If I’m honest with you, I’ve got a little bit of a soft spot for Callaghan ever since he was the caretaker manager for the USA between Gregg Berhalter’s two tenures as USA coach, during which time the USA won the CONCACAF Nations League and advanced to the semifinals of the CONCACAF Gold Cup.
I have no such soft spots for his counterpart on Saturday night. I have long called Caleb Porter a preening schmo for the way he consistently carries himself as the smartest guy in the room. And to be fair, he’s got more MLS Cup titles (two) than FCD does in its entire 29-year history. But… he’s managed to get himself fired in both Portland and Columbus a year or two after winning those MLS Cups. So I enjoyed his 2024 struggles in Foxborough greatly.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Nashville
Good Guys Game of the Week
Houston Dynamo vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
What’s this? FCD is opening on the road? It happens occasionally, I guess. But not very often. The last time was 2017 when the double winners opened on the road at the Galaxy with a win. (Don’t look at how the season went after July, however.)
And in fact, FCD won’t play its home opener until the third game of the season, which is just as well, because there have been a lot of changes and things might be a little rough. Jesús Ferreira, Paul Arriola, Alan Velasco, Asier Illarramendi, and Nkosi Tafari are all gone. In exchange, FCD got Leo Chu, Shaq Moore, Anderson Julio, Ramiro, Lalas Abubakar, Osaze Urhoghide, Lucho Acosta, and a big pile of GAM. And oh yeah, a new coach.
Fortunately, the little brothers have had an eventful offseason too. Ben Olsen is still around, but Héctor Herrera, Coco Carrasquilla, and Sebastián Ferreira are not. They brought in Jack McGlynn and Nico Lodeiro, but that’s a bit of a drop-off.
They also brought in Jimmy Maurer. Let this be a lesson in “a guy’s not done until he says he’s done.” We got three different “This is his last game!” appearances from him last season and each one was absolutely believable because we all thought that he was gonna be riding off into the sunset or into the front office after last season. Well, I guess not. And apparently, Little Brother Orange agreed with him that he wasn’t done.
He’ll still be a backup, only to Andrew Tarbell instead of Maarten Paes, but he’s livin’ the dream. May we all be so lucky.