I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Los Angeles FC vs. Inter Miami (Apple TV, 8:30)
OK, sure. Get everyone hyped about the season with your two most high-profile players facing off on opening weekend — excuse me, MLS is Back. And give the big Saturday night game a clever name to go along with SUNDAY⚡ NIGHT⚡ SOCCER⚡. So they came up with SATURDAY SHOWDOWN 💥💥💥. This column never has a problem with a little hype.
And they got a sponsor! But let’s talk about this graphic:
“Siri, show me two guys who have never once stepped into a Walmart.”
Let’s be clear: I have precisely nothing against Walmart, aside from the usual complaints about their business practices, which have been well-known for decades. My wife and I have a Walmart+ membership (which we get free from our credit card), we order stuff through them all the time, and with the Walmart+ membership, we get Paramount+ for free, which is how I’ll get to watch Tottenham Hotspur next season when they’re in the Championship.
But we can all admit that Walmart ain’t exactly Neiman-Marcus. And they don’t try to be Neiman-Marcus. Meanwhile, these two teams are full of high-priced players and champagne football? They should be playing in the Nordstrom Saturday Soiree 🍾🍾🍾. MLS should get on that sponsorship opportunity right away. Leave the Walmart SATURDAY SHOWDOWN 💥💥💥 to the likes of SKC-Montreal or something like that.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. A Great Value brand result, if you will.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Minnesota United (Apple TV, 7:30)
Speaking of champagne football, this game should be the opposite of that. I beat the drum pretty loudly last season about how unwatchable Little Brother Green was and how averse to putting the ball into the opponents’ net they are. Mission accomplished for our old friend Nico Estévez, who appears to be more of a fan of winning the “passes completed” stat than winning on the scoreboard and seems to regard the concept of winning by more than one goal as a frivolous pursuit.
Meanwhile, the Loons established a reputation for being, um, rugged and direct, and although they were not aesthetically pleasing, they were successful enough to finish in fourth and get home field advantage in the first round of the playoffs. They were very willing to let opponents keep the ball and hit them quickly when they turned it over. Dead last in the league in “passes attempted” and top half of the league in goals scored? Yeah, we know the deal.
And they were successful enough to get head coach Eric Ramsay a gig at West Bromwich Albion, where…
Oh dear. Well, at least he’s lasted longer than Wilfried Nancy did at Celtic.
Anyway, they promoted their MLS Next Pro coach Cameron Knowles, signed James Rodríguez to stay fit before the World Cup, and are ready to bring more direct soccer to their Oasis-addled fans who obviously crave it. Godspeed on Saturday.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Minnesota.
Sickos Game of the Week
FC Cincinnati vs. Atlanta United (Fox and Apple TV, 3:45)
Both these teams just missed out on silverware last season, so it was a good choice to broadcast their weekly Fox/FS1 game. Mind you, Cincinnati just missed out on the Supporters Shield by a point, and Atlanta just missed out on the Wooden Spoon by two points, so the two fanbases might feel a little differently about their respective seasons.
Atlanta’s fans feel especially crummy, considering that their club spent more in the 2024-25 offseason than some clubs, like FCD, have spent in their entire history. And when you consider that their 2025-26 offseason player expenditures paled in comparison, one might feel that perhaps optimism might be a little unwarranted. But wait…
Start the hype train, boys. We got Miguel Almirón on board, and we’re gonna party like it’s 2018 again. Pay no attention to the fact that eight years have passed. Don’t worry that you never truly go home again — just ask José Mourinho how his second stint at Chelsea went. Start making space in the trophy cabinet.
Don’t believe me? Let’s look at how a writer at Major League Soccer Soccer dot com has bought his ticket on the Atlanta United Hype Train:
18. Atlanta United
Tata Martino has returned to save Atlanta United. But this roster is in a far different state than the one he helped craft in Atlanta’s first two seasons. There are still real questions at nearly every spot on the pitch. All three DPs will be under heavy scrutiny this year. And yet…
It still feels like they could end up challenging for a home playoff spot. There’s still talent everywhere on this team, and the shift from Ronny Deila to Martino is… we’ll politely call it a step in the right direction. At the very least, the bottom shouldn’t fall out again.
For added laughs, count the number of playoff teams from 2025 that appear below Atlanta in this ranking, including one that is very near and dear to our hearts.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Cincy. Also, because Atlanta signed Fafà Picault this offseason.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Toronto FC (Apple TV, 7:30)
May Grant Wahl rest in peace, but one thing that always annoyed me about his writing back in the day was when he used to do his MLS Ambition Rankings. Basically, it was his own ranking, based mostly on vibes, of how “ambitious” MLS teams were. Obviously, these two clubs would appear at opposite ends of his rankings, which I joked were basically a ranking of how good the food in the press box was. But really, it was just mostly based on how willing the clubs’ ownerships were to open up the wallet.
Anyway, I’ve probably said this in this column before, but when someone uses the word “ambition” in MLS, the question needs to be asked, “Ambition to do what exactly?” Anyone who watches FC Dallas, reads 3rd Degree, and listens to 3rd Degree the Podcast knows exactly what the Hunt boys’ ambition for FC Dallas is: to make a sustainable professional soccer club that lasts for generations. It’s why they invest in the stadium and the academy, not so much for high-priced players for the first team.
Meanwhile, TFC takes a different approach. They’re owned by the same people who own the Toronto Maple Leafs, who have not won a Stanley Cup since 1967, but have won plenty of offseasons with high-profile signings, and they have won the hearts of Canada’s English-language sports media. And TFC is no different. They consistently make splashy signings in the offseason, get many people in the North American soccer media excited, then surround them with marginal talent and sometimes good coaching, and finish outside of the Eastern Conference playoffs.
Then every couple of years, they’ll rotate out the coach, as if he were the problem, and the cycle begins anew. The fact that they got it all together under Greg Vanney for a few seasons is starting to look like the anomaly. A glorified version of the Rapids’ 2010 MLS Cup, if you will. So sure, they’ve got Robin Fraser, who is the MLS coaching equivalent of Ted McGinley, but it’s not like it matters with that organization — err, organisation. They even managed to make Bob Bradley look dumb when he was there.
So no, I do not respect TFC in the slightest. I do not hate them. I laugh at them. They’re the well-dressed rich bozo who is always the butt of the joke. And we’ll get to laugh at their antics on Saturday night when they visit Toyota Stadium.
And since I’m finishing this column on Friday morning, I get put into it the note that they just paid $22 million for Josh Sargent. Yes, that Josh Sargent. Not that he’ll be playing against FCD, but it’s like TFC wanted to validate everything I just wrote. Thanks, bozos.