I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Woof. One of my calling cards as a fan of this team is that I’ve been a fan since the very beginning, a fact which I trumpet at the top of every column. As such, I’ve seen a lot of bad soccer. Hey, it’s a fact of life for any long-time fan of almost any team in the world. Maybe if you’re a lifelong fan of, say, Real Madrid, you don’t get to watch so much bad soccer, but then, I don’t really worry about how much enjoyment anyone gets out of watching Generalísimo Franco’s club.
So when I say that that was one of the worst FC Dallas games ever, understand that I’m not exactly some Manchester City fan who became a fan in the last decade, lamenting how poor some of their games are. And that game was bad. FCD had a lot of possession, but showed no danger on the occasion that they crossed midfield. Seattle managed to hit the post three times, one of which was put back into the goal for the only goal, but otherwise, they weren’t gonna get confused for any sort of juggernaut.
Just a terrible game all around, and a waste of two hours for everyone not wearing a Seattle shirt, who at least got to see a win. And Peter Musa had to leave the game due to a sprained ankle.
But hey, Jesús Ferreira started for Seattle and ran around and got some fresh air and kicked the ball a few times. He didn’t score, but we as FCD fans are used to seeing that out of him at Toyota Stadium.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Columbus Crew vs. Inter Miami (MLS Season Pass, 3:30)
(2025 Lionel Messi content counter: 6)
This would’ve been a great game to have for MLS’ weekly appearance on Fox: The club with two MLS Cups in the last five years versus the defending Supporters Shield champs! Unbeaten top of the East versus the unbeaten fourth-place team in the East! In front of a packed house at Huntington Bank Field in Cleveland…
[record scratch]
Wait, what?
For those of you who are unaware, the Columbus Crew are owned by Jimmy and Dee Haslem, who also own the Cleveland Browns. Jimmy Haslem formerly owned Pilot Flying J, the company that runs all those truck stops that you see on the highways that aren’t Buc-ee’s or Love’s. So you know that he knows all about a good business opportunity and using words like “synergy” to explain capitalizing on those opportunities.
So I guess to the Haslems, it was a no-brainer that when Lionel Messi came to town this year, they’d have the game 150 miles up the road at their other team’s stadium, which holds a lot more people. That part I get. It sucks for Crew fans, but I get it. What I don’t get is how these owners, who have had success after success in their time owning the Crew, have managed to be so terrible at owning an NFL team.
Thankfully, that’s not my problem. And thankfully, if FCD ever gets another visit from Lionel and the Fightin’ Messis any time soon, we won’t have to worry about the game getting moved to the Hunts’ NFL stadium. Though they were happy to have Sporting Kansas City do so and get a nice payday, I’m sure.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Miami. Don’t screw with your fans by moving a home game 150 miles up the road.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. LA Galaxy (Fox and Apple TV+ free game, 12:45)
The game that Fox will be showing is this one. This would normally be a candidate for Sickos Game of the Week, but I’ll feature it here, since it allows me to say mean things about Little Brother Green, which never gets old.
Why is it Sickos-grade? Because these two teams are pretty unwatchable.
Now… I know those are some bold words in the aftermath of FCD’s game last week, but what if I told you that these two teams have each scored six goals in eight games? (FCD, for the record, is up to 10.) In fairness, they both managed to outperform that scoring pace last week, as they each scored a single goal. Little Brother Green got a 90th-minute goal as the consolation after conceding five to the Whitecaps. It worked out better for the Galaxy, who managed to eke out a 1-1 draw against Little Brother Orange, despite going down a man in the 28th minute.
These teams are unwatchable. Yes, I know that Little Brother Green has managed to put together four wins this year and are currently ahead of FCD in the table. Six of their eight games have finished 1-0 or 0-0. The two that didn’t? Their 2-1 win over San Diego and their 5-1 loss last week. And this after they spent $30 million on their attack this past offseason. Nico Estévez really is a terrorist against soccer.
But MLS being MLS, they’re gonna sell this matchup, baby:
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LA. At least Greg Vanney doesn’t actively hate the notion of having his team attack.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Chicago Fire vs. FC Cincinnati (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
On the subject of “MLS teams who moved their home games from their stadium to an NFL stadium,” we’ve got the Fire. I’m not gonna get into that whole situation, but it’s a sort of segue, so I’ll go ahead and use it.
This week, the following news item appeared:
Now, everyone focused on the first team on that list — “OMG, is Miami signing EVERYBODY?” — but the second caught my eye, mostly because they seem to have turned things around and have a coach that knows a thing or two. My God, putting one of the Premier League’s best players of the last few years — one of the world’s best players of the last few years on that team? They would be a problem.
Of course, there’s another player who’s about to become available at the end of the season whom I think that Chicago should sign. I don’t think it’ll make them better, but I would enjoy it greatly:
(I stole that joke from Justin on the 3rd Degree Discord, one of the many benefits of becoming a patron of 3rd Degree.)
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Cincy.
Sickos Game of the Week
St. Louis City vs. Vancouver Whitecaps (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
Amazingly, neither Little Brother Green nor the Galaxy is the lowest-scoring team in the Western Conference. That honor belongs to St. Louis, which has scored a putrid five goals in eight games. Three of them came in a 3-0 win over the Galaxy. The other two? A 1-0 win over Seattle last month and a 2-1 loss to Columbus last week. That’s it.
Now, I’m not one of these ding-dongs who complain about lack of scoring in soccer. That way lies the madness of indoor soccer, which is surprisingly still A Thing.
But I will point out that over the course of a 34-game season, scoring correlates a lot better with success than defending does. Case in point: the Whitecaps, who are currently the top-scoring team in Major League Soccer with 17 goals. They also have an eye-popping +11 goal differential after eight games. And to no one’s shock, they have more points than anyone in Major League Soccer with 19.
And they’re not the exceptions. If you look back through the history of this league and most leagues, you’ll usually find the teams at the top of the table being big scorers. In cup competitions and playoffs, defense often does win championships. Just look at Greece in the 2004 Euros. But over 30+ games, if you can score more freely, you’ll stand a better chance of walking away with a point or three in more games.
It’s why I hated so much of the Nico Estévez tenure in Frisco, it’s why I’m amused that he’s committing his brand of soccer terrorism in Austin, and it’s why I’m amused at St. Louis. No, they haven’t spent the amount of money that Little Brother Green has spent on their attack, but the Whitecaps have shown that you don’t have to. But you do have to have an ability and a willingness to get forward occasionally.
But St. Louis has neither. So despite the fact that they’re tied for the fewest goals conceded in the league, they’re 12th in the West.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver. Say, what happened when they played a team that tried to keep it tight in the back and were utterly timid coming forward? Oh yeah, they won 5-1.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Minnesota United vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
We’ve been making jokes about FC Dallas being a bunch of road warriors this season, but hey, we’re almost a quarter of the way through the road schedule, and eight out of their 11 points are from their four road games, none of which they’ve lost.
The comedy portion of the program is apparently over. This game will be the first of three road games to finish out the month of April and start May, all of which will be against teams above FCD in the table.
And oh yeah, they’ll apparently be missing Petar Musa for this game at least. And Sebastian Lletget for several weeks. And Paxton Pomykal for however long he’s out. So it’ll be Lucho Acosta, Maarten Paes, and a bunch of dudes of varying degrees of competence.
Oh, and hey, the Loons are riding a seven-game unbeaten run and will be at home in front of a bunch of goobers with a fetish for a song by one of Britain’s lesser contributions to the world of music in the ’90s. (Save your e-mails. The only things that made Oasis slightly interesting were heroin and sibling rivalry.)
Above said goobers at Allianz Field is this scoreboard:
This scoreboard is apparently a tribute to the stadium at the National Sports Center in Blaine, MN, where the NASL Minnesota United played their games. Whatever. It’s corny.
You know how many Cotton Bowl homages there are at Toyota Stadium? Zero. FCD didn’t install 1970’s era scoreboards, they didn’t serve inedible hot dogs, they didn’t install janky aluminum seats, they didn’t install any troughs in the men’s room.
Nobody asks for a vintage scoreboard in a 21st-century stadium. But if it makes you bozos happy to have it, go for it. I would expect nothing less from a fanbase in an area that gave the world Prince (hallowed be his name), Bob Dylan, Morris Day, and The Replacements, but insist on singing songs from a lousy band from Manchester.