I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
I’d like to take a moment to remember Sporting Kansas City Head Coach for Life Peter Vermes, who was canned on Monday after FC Dallas beat the Sporks 2-1 last Saturday night. Vermes was starting his 16th season as head coach, a position which he took over when the team was still the Kansas City Wizards and was playing in a minor-league baseball stadium right next to where Children’s Mercy Park currently stands, a position that he assumed after his predecessor, Curt Onalfo, was fired after a 6-0 loss to FCD.
He managed to survive for so long on the back of an MLS Cup in 2013, and US Open Cups in 2012, 2015, and 2017. But you’ll notice that none of those years are particularly recent. Sure, they made the Open Cup final last year, but they lost to LAFC as part of a winless streak that has stretched back to September 18 last year, a streak that’ll be up to 199 days by the time they kick off against St. Louis on Saturday night. And because professional sports are a business that worships at the Church of the Here and Now, the SKC supporters wrote an open letter on Sunday…
…and Vermes was fired on Monday. But I come not to praise Vermes, but to bury him. The guy’s a jackass. He spent the last 15 years hollering and gesticulating and acting as if anything that went against his team was a personal affront to him and his family and on the occasion that his butt was on the bench, sitting there, looking like the human embodiment of Anger from Inside Out. Worse still, his team on the field reflected his jackassery. And while Vermes may be gone, Johnny Russell is still there… for no.
So farewell, Peter. You will not be missed. I’m only sad that FCD didn’t give you the send-off that they gave Onalfo.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
San Jose Earthquakes vs. DC United (Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 4:00)
Quick, where were you 29 years ago this week? If your answer involves you being any younger than the age of 10, I don’t wanna hear it. Get off my damn lawn.
The reason why I ask is because 29 years ago, on April 6, 1996, was the first-ever game in Major League Soccer history between the San Jose Clash and DC United at Spartan Stadium in San Jose:
It was the only game that weekend, with the rest of the league kicking off the following weekend. It was on ESPN, it was not a great game, and it looked like it was going to end regulation 0-0 and go to a shootout, the former of which was a matter of great consternation to those folks who cared deeply about soccer in America. But in the 88th minute, Eric Wynalda, who played in the 1990, 1994, and 1998 World Cups for the USA and who was born without any sort of filter to prevent him from uttering any sort of stray thought that he might have, scored the winning goal for San Jose.
As part of the 30th season commemorations, MLS has scheduled this matchup for this weekend. I’m sure they’ll have all sorts of celebrations. Bruce Arena, DC’s coach from 1996 to 1998, will be there! And if you had told me 29 years ago that he’d still be coaching in MLS in the year 2025, my reactions would be in the following order:
- MLS has made it to the year 2025? Sweet.
- Brucie is still coaching? Is he still filling his roster with his old UVa players?
Maybe Wynalda will be there too. If he is, hopefully someone will stick a mic in his face so we can hear about how there’s a conspiracy to keep him from his rightful place as an MLS coach because he speaks the truths about US soccer that they don’t want you to hear! (Never mind his actual coaching record in USL and elsewhere.)
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: DC United, simply because I want symmetry to be a thing and because they’re not a Western Conference rival and because MLS is better whenever Bruce Arena is looking absolutely disgusted on the touchline.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Portland Timbers (Fox and Apple TV+ free game, 6:45)
Buzz used to sell a t-shirt at the 3rd Degree Superstore with “FC Dallas: Better than you think” on the front. It’s a perfect ethos for the club. They’ve never won a league title and the fan support has historically been not that great in comparison to other teams in the league, but than that, they’re usually pretty good on and off the field. Of all the remaining clubs from 1996, the only one that has made the playoffs more often is the Red Bulls. In addition, they have been innovators of MLS’ youth initiatives, they built one of MLS’ first soccer-specific stadiums, and they have produced a number of players who are currently on the US men’s national team.
With that in mind, I’d like to suggest a candidate for their opposite, MLS’ “Worse than you think” club. No, it’s not Little Brother Green. Please. They’re usually as bad as we think. No, it’s the Portland Timbers. Yes, they’ve won a league title, back in 2015, and made the MLS Cup final two more times, and they’ve got great fan support, but let’s look at their record other than that:
- No US Open Cup titles
- No Supporters Shields
- Marginal contribution to the US men’s national team
- Plastic field at their home stadium
- Timbers and Thorns ownership is looking the other way while employing a coach for the Thorns with a history of sexual abuse
- Employing known schmuck Caleb Porter as Timbers head coach
And now we can add one more thing to the list:
Those of you rare people who actually click through to the article and read will perhaps say, “Hey, that ain’t the Timbers. That’s some doctor that was working for them.” True, but lookie here:
Yup, they’re still employing the same folks that just killed their former player’s career.
For once, the little brothers are off the hook.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. I still don’t want you green and black clowns to win, but at least you haven’t associated yourself with medical malpractice yet.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Charlotte FC vs. Nashville SC (MLS Season Pass, 1:30)
As a former resident of Columbia, South Carolina, I have low-key disdain for Charlotte, 90 miles away. Nothing big, mind you, but imagine you’re someone who grew up and spent most of his life in big cities — Houston and Dallas — and was currently living in a place where the opening of the first Chipotle location in town in 2009 was big local news. (No, really, it was. They had lines out the door and everything.) There’s a large city 90 miles away, but it’s… Charlotte, a.k.a. all the sprawl of Atlanta, but none of the charm.
None of this has any bearing on their local soccer team, who are fine, outside of falling victim to the abject laziness in branding that has gripped Major League Soccer since a certain club that is near and dear to us was Patient Zero back in 2004. Oh yeah, and outside of their NFL big brothers having a grass field at their shared stadium for 25 years… until the soccer team moved in. And outside of having a coach who I am convinced was hired partly because he’s named “Dean Smith.”
But they’re playing Nashville this week. Nashville, in contrast, is all the sprawl of Atlanta, but with a lot of charm. It’s Nashville! It’s the Bachelorette Party Capital of America! It gave us hot chicken! It gave us Dolly Parton and Johnny Cash! And they’re the current home of former FCD player Walker Zimmerman! And their coach is US coaching legend B.J. Callaghan!
(OK, that last part might be an exaggeration, but hey, he at least led the Men’s National Team to a CONCACAF Nations League title, unlike the current guy, who led them to losses to Panama and Canada.)
So it’s pretty obvious where my rooting interests are in this one.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Nashvegas.
Sickos Game of the Week
Inter Miami vs. Toronto FC (Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 6:30)
(2025 Lionel Messi content counter: 4)
So how are things going in Tronno? Not well.
For those of you who are unaware, MLSE stands for Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment, the owners of the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Toronto Raptors, and Toronto FC, among others. The “Insignifico” on the right side is a reference to Italian forward Lorenzo Insigne, who wears #24, got paid more than $15 million last season, and has scored a whopping 14 league goals since his arrival in 2022.
Wow. I thought that Franco Jara was a bad deal. (I would’ve said the same about Jesus Jiménez, but as chance would have it, TFC was paying his salary during his completely unproductive season in Frisco.)
Insigne is a big reason why TFC has been #2 in MLS salaries in the last few years, during which time they’ve made zero playoff appearances, won zero Canadian Championships, and won zero Leagues Cups. They are certainly following the example set by their hockey-playing big brothers, who have been near the top of the NHL’s spending charts, but not won a Stanley Cup since 1967.
But you know who has been #1 in MLS salaries the last few years? Inter Miami, of course. On top of what he’s getting paid by Michelob Ultra and Home Depot and Frito-Lay and Pepsi and whomever else, he’s also earning the top salary in the league. And oh yeah, his buddies Luis Suárez and Sergio Busquets and Jordi Alba are pulling nice salaries too. And they’ve won stuff in the last couple of years.
Maybe the MLSE suits should get a few pointers from Beckham’s people. It’ll likely beat watching the snuff film that’ll transpire on the field.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Miami. While it’s not always fun watching Miami win stuff, watching TFC fall on their faces feels as comfortable as an old blanket.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Atlanta United FC vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
The word “comfortable” hasn’t really applied to FC Dallas’ road trips in the last few years, but I guess that the guys are learning to enjoy hotel blankets more than their own. They are undefeated on the road thus far, and while neither RSL nor Little Brother Orange are all that great, Colorado’s at least competent, and well, it’s not as if the competence of their opponents made much of a difference in FCD’s road struggles in recent years.
This week, the FCD Road Show will be visiting Atlanta. Atlanta is one of those annoying nouveau riche clubs that have been around for much less time than FCD, but have won a championship. They also get great crowds because Arthur Blank’s people have a talent for getting people to come to their team’s games. Hell, people even show up for the Falcons these days. It’s certainly a refreshing change from the Hunts’ “Wait, is that an FCD ad on a billboard on Central Expressway?” approach to promotions.
So while I am annoyed by Atlanta United, I will at least respect that they’re competently run. And I respect that they provide a place for players of A Certain Age, like Brad Guzan and formerly Dax McCarty, to play. And I respect that they have been built with the same sort of defense-optional roster that FCD has. And I respect that they are secure enough in themselves to willingly play in a stadium that resembles a robot’s anus.
But all the respect means is that I will tip my cap when they go down and go down hard and their fans are skulking out of the robot’s anus with dejected looks on their faces. Go wash down your sorrows with an ice-cold Coca-Cola… which actually originated in Columbus, Georgia.