I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
That was a delightful two hours, was it not? Petar Musa started the game in the 2nd minute with a professional finish of a sublime backheel by Logan Farrington, and the team didn’t look back. For the next 88 minutes, it was like watching a python crushing its prey to death. Little Brother Green had lots of possession, but didn’t really threaten Jacob Jackson’s goal that much.
It was a nice palate-cleanser after the previous week’s reenactment of the Alamo in St. Louis.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
El partido bastante bueno de la semana
Orlando City vs. Nashville SC (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
Look, I believe in Truth in Advertising. I’m not gonna tell you a game a SUPERCLÁSICO if it ain’t. And if we’re sitting here in Matchday 35, where most of the league has four or five games left in the season, and a game isn’t prone to making your TV/laptop/tablet/mobile melt from the heat of the matchup, I’m gonna tell you so.
But there just aren’t any face-melting matchups this week. What we are getting are a bunch of snuff films masquerading as MLS late-season matchups, and I can only do one Sickos Game this week:
- Philly vs. New England
- Atlanta vs. San Diego
- Columbus vs. Toronto
- Miami vs. DC United
- Montréal vs. New York Red Bulls
- Kansas City vs. Vancouver
- LA Galaxy vs. Cincy
But this game should be pretty good. Even though Nashville is in 4th in the East and Orlando is in 8th, they’re only separated by two points. If Nashville wins, they clinch a playoff spot. If Orlando wins and the Red Bulls lose, they’re in.
Nashville’s got Sam Surridge, who’s on top of the scoring charts with 20 goals. Orlando’s got Martín Ojeda, who’s got 28 goal contributions himself.
Nashville beat Philadelphia midweek in the US Open Cup semifinal. Orlando made the semifinals of Leagues Cup, but were beaten by the Gals in the third-place game.
And both are led by two of the league’s best coaches.
Either one of these teams could win MLS Cup this year, and this should be a really good game. But SUPERCLÁSICO? Eh.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Seattle Sounders (Apple TV+, Sunday at 6:00)
Credit where credit is due: Little Brother Green rebounded from their demolition in Frisco last weekend, went up to Minnesota midweek, and beat the Loons on a last-minute goal in extra time to advance to the US Open Cup final, which they’ll be hosting. The notion that they’ll be playing for a trophy that’s slightly more prestigious than Copa Tejas while being led by Nico Estévez is slightly revolting.
But this weekend, on SUNDAY ⚡️ NIGHT ⚡️ SOCCER ⚡️⚡️⚡️, they’re getting a visit from Daddy, whom you and I and the rest of the world know as Jesús Ferreira. You’ll probably hear a lot about this during the game or maybe in the pregame coverage, but our boy Jesús has had a lot of success against Little Brother Green over the last five years.
In nine games over the last five years, he’s had seven goals and two assists, including a goal back in June. (I looked that up all by myself. See? I’m more than just a cavalcade of mean remarks.)
But here’s the deal: That goal in June was only one of four he’s scored in league play this season. And he’s making almost $2 million a year. And he’s under contract until 2027. Now, a team that is near and dear to our hearts would likely keep him on the books and ride out the contract. But that ain’t the Sounders. They’re gonna move him.
Meanwhile, there’s a team that’s had Maxi Urruti, Matt Hedges, and Jáder Obrian on their roster over the years. They’re coached by Nico Estévez. They have the opportunity to sign a player that’s worn them out over the years. Y’all can pick up what I’m laying down here.
Can the roster mechanics work? Does he make any sense for that team? I don’t know and I don’t care. I just want to put the cursed image of Jesús Ferreira in green-and-black in your heads.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Seattle, and maybe the hat trick that Jesús inevitably scores will convince the Sounders to keep him around
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
New York City FC vs. Charlotte FC (MLS Season Pass, 11:00 AM)
Honestly, this game could’ve probably been in the first slot. Charlotte’s 3rd in the East and already clinched a playoff spot. NYCFC is in 5th, three points back, and will clinch a playoff spot if they win.
But I can’t possibly give less of a rip about this game than I already do:
- One team is one of the lower rungs of a sportswashing operation known as City Football Group, and the other is owned by an NFL team that had Baker Mayfield playing defensive end on their scout team.
- One team has its home stadiums two baseball stadiums, and other plays at NFL stadium that had a grass field until they decided to have professional soccer there and put in plastic.
- This game is being played at Yankee Stadium.
- It’s being played at noon Eastern Time, a time slot in which one would be better served by watching one of the less desirable college football games of the day. (Me? I’ll be watching SMU beat up on some private clown college.)
These are two anonymous but competent teams whose existences are strictly for “business reasons,” playing a game in witness protection at a baseball stadium. At least one of them is building their own place. This game is exactly the reason why this slot exists in this column.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, I guess.
Sickos Game of the Week
Philadelphia Union vs. New England Revolution (MLS Season Pass, 1:30)
This week, we said goodbye to an era. The Caleb Porter era in New England has come to an end after almost two years of bad soccer. This actually surprised a few people, who accurately pointed out that he’s won two MLS Cups. That’s something that FC Dallas has never done in 29 seasons!
You know what he’s also done? Missed the playoffs five times in six seasons. That’s right. He spent four years in Columbus, from 2019 to 2022, won MLS Cup during the weird 2020 season when Cheez-Its became a running joke among FCD fans, and missed the playoffs in every other season there. He’s also missed the playoffs both seasons he was the coach in New England. (Technically, not yet for 2025, but when he was fired, the Revs were 10 points out of a playoff spots with four matches to go.)
And missing the playoffs five times in six seasons is also something that FCD has never done in 29 seasons. The closest that they ever came was missing the playoffs four times from 2008 to 2013.
So now, the Revs are in the market for a new coach, and MLS’ hottest currently-unemployed coach is the leading candidate for the job:
If you want to depress yourself a little, look at how many of the league’s current roster of head coaches have been previously a head coach in MLS. More than half of them.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philly, whose previous coach was the head coach in St. Louis and before that, the interim head coach with the Red Bulls after Chris Armas, who’s now the head coach in Colorado, was fired.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Colorado Rapids (Apple TV+ free game, 7:30)
Speaking of Chris Armas, Colorado’s already his third gig as an MLS head coach. In between his stint in New York and his current stint in Colorado, he had a half-season in Toronto in 2021. But they lost 7-1 to DC United on July 4 that season, and he was out. (Toronto’s head coach is now Robin Fraser, who was Armas’ predecessor in Colorado. Reduce, reuse, recycle.)
But I gotta level with y’all: I hate it when FCD plays Colorado, because I have zero idea what to write about them. They are so uninteresting a team, so beige, so forgettable, that all I can write about them when FCD faces them is to complain that FCD has never beaten them in the playoffs in five tries and to complain that FCD never wins in Commerce City when I’m attending in person
But today’s a new day. I’m turning the page. I’m now taking the whole playoff thing out of the repertoire. The last time it happened was 15 years ago, and FCD has turned to losing to Seattle and Portland in the playoffs every year since them. It’s gonna be tough, but just call it growth on my part.
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(Hold on… my wife just asked me to help her with a package that she’s sending.)
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(I’ve got an appointment coming up shortly to get my flu and COVID shots, and I’m contemplating that I’m looking forward to that more than writing about the Colorado Rapids.)
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Anyway, the Colorado Rapids, ladies and gentlemen! The Siberia of Major League Soccer! A team that Djordje Mihailovic couldn’t wait to get away from, so badly, in fact, that he accepted a transfer to the perpetual tire fire known as Toronto FC!
Am I feeling cocky about this game? You bet your ass I am. Oh sure, the Rapids are above FCD in the table, but Little Brother Green is even higher and FCD got out the whoopin’ stick last weekend. They haven’t lost since sending a certain diminutive Argentine midfielder to Rio. They may never lose again.
OK, they probably will at some point, but not to this burgundy-colored clown car.