I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
FCD didn’t play last weekend, but they played on Wednesday night in Salt Lake, and despite their best efforts, Anderson Julio wore them out. He earned the penalty that led to goal #1, chipped Maarten Paes from 50 yards away for goal #2, and clinically put away a cross for goal #3. Thank you, good night.
And yet, they only lost 3-2 on a night where Petar Musa had his worst night in a FCD shirt, Jesús Ferreira did his usual “play everywhere but goalkeeper and striker” act to everyone’s annoyance, and Paul Arriola managed to consistently put the ball neither on goal nor on the foot or head of a teammate. But Jesús caught RSL asleep on a quick free kick and put in a nice shot, Alan Velasco put away a penalty toward the end, and if the finishing had been better during the rest of the game, they might’ve walked out with a point.
After a single shutout in Vancouver, FCD returned to their habit of giving up three goals a game. And the people who have been shouting that FCD needs better centerbacks can resume saying, “WE TOLD YOU SO.”
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
LA Galaxy vs. Vancouver Whitecaps (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
Sure, I guess. This is one of those weekends where I’m looking the schedule and trying to figure out what to put in this slot.
Gals vs Caps is the best game of the weekend. If you’ve been asleep all season, the Galaxy are good again. Sure, they lost in Portland on Wednesday night, but they came back from 2-0 down to beat their little brothers 4-2 last weekend and they clinched a playoff spot, so vibes are still good.
Are they gonna win the Supporters Shield? Likely not. Miami appears that they’re gonna be successful with their “silverware through elder abuse” strategy — and one of these days, we should talk about whether they’re setting up South Florida for another “pump up the team until we get the stadium built” situation — but give how down the Galaxy have been for years, this is dramatic improvement.
I personally hate it. It’s fun to laugh at the Galaxy when they’re down, given that they’ve been the Big Bad of MLS since the beginning, winning more silverware, more consistently than anyone else. I don’t know if I’m ready to return to an era where the Galaxy are competently run on top of spending a lot of money. And even though LAFC was trying to pick up the slack, it just hasn’t been the same.
So welcome back to competence, Galaxy. Eat shit.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver, who are also competent, but well, just not as hatable.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Houston Dynamo (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
Saturday night is the latest edition of the Little Brother Derby. I really don’t know how these games go down. I mean, I do know that both these clown teams’ fans hate FCD. Both of them think that “FC Frisco” is still a fresh insult after so many years. But do they get amped up for each other? I don’t know.
More importantly, I don’t really care. I really don’t. If I’m not gonna care about FCD’s winning Copa Tejas in this crappier-than-average season, I’m definitely not gonna care about the third-rate clubs that didn’t win it.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. Both the little brothers can take a flying leap, but I’d just rather that neither of them get three points, and both teams’ fans can go home frustrated or dissatisfied… which I’m sure describes their dating lives as well.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Columbus Crew vs. Orlando City (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
File this game under “It’s a long season, y’all.”
Do you remember earlier this season when Orlando City was struggling? They even made an appearance in the next slot once or twice? FCD fans were talking about how Óscar Pareja might be available to succeed Nico Estévez sooner rather than later.
It’s a long season, y’all.
Papi made a few tweaks and they started getting results. They’ve won eight of their last 11, and they’re now tied for fourth in the East. They’ve won their last three games by a combined score of 8-0. Mind you, they’re still 10 points behind Columbus in third, but hey, this is a different neighborhood than they were in back in April.
However, it gets real this weekend. Those 11 games? A lot of junk on the other side of the field. Two games against Nashville, two games against New England, and games against DC United, Chicago, and Kansas City. There were two games against NYCFC, who are decent, but those were a loss and a draw. And those last three games that Orlando won by a total of 8-0? All at home.
This weekend, they roll into Columbus to play a team that has spent the last year winning stuff and almost winning stuff. Good luck, Papi.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando, of course.
Sickos Game of the Week
San Jose Earthquakes vs. St. Louis City (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
This game is in this slot as a means for me to tell you which game to absolutely positively not watch, but to instead watch LA-Vancouver. Are you kidding me? These two teams are trash. Don’t watch this game.
But I would like to give these two teams their flowers anyway.
Congratulations to the San Jose Earthquakes for beating 10 other teams in the rush out of the playoffs. Thank you for ending the suspense with six weeks left in the season. Y’all are the MLS equivalent of the folks who do all their Christmas shopping on Thanksgiving weekend. But I do have a question:
Why did you even bother firing Luchi Gonzalez?
Yeah, yeah. I know that I should really talk as a fan of a team who asked its coach to clean out his desk midseason and was briefly flirting with having its worst season in club history — and by “briefly,” I mean for most of the first half of the season. But given the way that they’ve shown a pulse under Peter Luccin, you can at least say that maybe the coach was a problem.
But you guys have stunk out the joint, no matter who the boss is, whether it’s Luchi Gonzalez or Ian Russell or a random member of the SJ Ultras. In retrospect, the ultimate indictment of Nico Estévez might’ve been how hard it was for FCD to beat you clowns on Opening Day.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. And don’t get me started on St. Louis. Firing the guy who finished first in the West in your expansion season halfway through your second season? Lovely.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Los Angeles FC (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
One of the truly gratifying things about the Apple TV deal is that it has really reduced our exposure to Alexi Lalas’ shameless star-humping and his overuse of the phrase “super-team.” And I say “overuse” because he’s said it about so many damn teams over the years. Remember when Atlanta was on its way to becoming a “superteam”? That was funny.
So we don’t have to listen to him give tongue baths to Inter Miami… or LAFC. Look, I’ll give LAFC some credit. It takes more than just spending a lot of dough on star players. Just look at their big brothers in Carson. You also need to buy the right players and competent management.
But the reason why they amuse me so is that they never shed their little brother tendencies. They came into the league, crowing about how the A-list stars have a stake in the team. They crowed about how they actually played in LA, and not Carson, and they persisted in this until recently:
See that hashtag? That’s some little brother shit right there. “No, we’re not using #LAGvLAFC or whatever else the rest of the world they’re using. They’re CARSON.”
LAFC is essentially the SoCal version of Little Brother Green. Sure, they’re a little more successful than our pals down I-35, but little brother is as little brother does. They know what they are, we know what they are, and let’s not pretend that they’re anything but.
They’re Chivas USA with a bigger player budget.