I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
You can fire Nico Estévez, but you can’t really get rid of him so quickly, can you? I’m not just talking about the 0-0 result, I’m talking how utterly inept they looked going forward too often during the 90 minutes and how their butts were ultimately saved by a fabulous performance from the goalkeeper.
What was different, however, was the goalkeeper was Jimmy Maurer and not Maarten Paes, and for that, I am so happy. Jimmy has been the goalkeeper with this team for some good years, but also some terrible years, and he’s never been anything but a consummate pro in the process. He’s a throwback to the early days of this league when most of the American players knew that if it weren’t for MLS, they’d be selling insurance or coaching as their “real job” while earning beer money playing indoor or the APSL.
But when you look at where Jimmy came from — a who’s who of lower-division American clubs — it makes total sense. His first MLS action came in 2018, eight years after he graduated from my beloved University of South Carolina.
As Steve Davis wrote on his Substack this week, we don’t know if this was Jimmy’s final start as a pro, but if it was, he delivered a coda to be proud of.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
LA Galaxy vs. Los Angeles FC (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
Two of the four matchups this week — FCD is off this week — are rivalry matchups. And this one happens to be between the top two teams in the West. Gotta say that that’s refreshing. Some weeks I gotta pick a game for this slot and I’m left with something that’s the best game of the week, but I gotta sell you on it.
Not this week, baby. There’s a real rivalry between the two LA clubs, obviously. (Miss me with the whole “The Galaxy play in Carson” nonsense. LA claims a bunch of Compton rappers, so they can claim the soccer club that plays in the city that is literally next door to Compton.) And for a change, both clubs are among the best in the league, now that FC Dallas legend Greg Vanney has his rebuild of the Galaxy humming.
But wait, there’s more!
Since both clubs believe in bringing players that you’ve actually heard of, this matchup will also feature both clubs’ summer arrivals, Marco Reus and future Hallmark Channel actor Olivier Giroud. (Tell me that Giroud isn’t cut out for the role of the handyman in a small French village who shows our female protagonist from New York, played by Candace Cameron Bure, the true meaning of Noël.) Both guys have more skins on the wall than your average hunting lodge and both guys are adding additional firepower to two teams that were not exactly struggling.
This is why FC Dallas press conferences need a laugh track when the case is made by management that they possess a “playoff roster.”
Anyway, put your feet up, enjoy the show, and just remember: While FCD will never have the likes of Marco Reus or Olivier Giroud, these two teams don’t have two current and former players who have appeared on HGTV. (Clarence Goodson was the other.)
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Galaxy, because it’s fun watching LAFC’s performance not line up with their fans’ yapping.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Houston Dynamo vs. Real Salt Lake (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
Real Salt Lake will be hosting FC Dallas on Wednesday night, so of course, it makes total sense that they’re traveling TO Houston this weekend. I’m sure that whoever runs scheduling over at MLS probably has a good reason why they couldn’t have RSL visiting Houston and Dallas on the same road trip, but that’s not important now.
What IS important is that FCD is playing them this coming Wednesday night after their weekend off, so let’s watch them against Little Brother Orange. Let’s contemplate that they’re in third place in the West, hot on the heels of second-place LAFC. Let’s also contemplate that they’re there in large part due to the fact that they’ve got ownership that is, apparently, pretty comfortable writing seven-figure checks for transfer fees.
Finally, let’s contemplate that they’re doing all of this with a coach who has shown strong bozo tendencies as a head coach in this league in the not-so-distant past. And the lesson we should take from that is the redemptive power of ownership that is more willing to spend money than the Kroenke family, who owns the Colorado Rapids. I gotta say that that makes any coach look 50% smarter.
Just ask Óscar Pareja.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Salt Lake, preferably in a hard-fought game that has about 15 minutes of stoppage time and really wears everyone out.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
FC Cincinnati vs. Columbus Crew (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
The Crew made all sorts of news — well, all sorts of MLS news — last weekend by losing to the Seattle Sounders 4-0, but the score was actually the least newsworthy part of it. You see, Columbus only had one goalkeeper on its gameday roster, and that keeper, Abraham Romero, was sent off in the first half, forcing centerback Sean Zawadzki to finish out the game in net. Why did the Crew only have one goalkeeper?
- Patrick Schulte and Nicolas Hagan were playing the USA and Guatemala, respectively.
- Even Bush was out with an arm injury
- The Crew couldn’t call up anyone from Crew 2 because they’d run out of call-ups for both Crew 2 keepers for the season, which I didn’t know was a thing.
And because all of those efforts were unsuccessful, they played last week with only one goalkeeper, which would normally not be a problem, but it just happened to be the infrequent occasion when the goalkeeper gets sent off.
Now, all the amateur technical directors out there will tell you what the Crew should’ve done to avoid that situation. But I’m gonna focus on one thing in particular, namely why they were missing two goalkeepers in the first place because they were playing during the international break. And unlike the reason why other teams play during international breaks — to make room in their schedule for the “we need to justify the $250 million we’re getting from Apple so we’re giving them more content” Leagues Cup — the Crew were playing a game that was rescheduled from June 1 because they were in the CONCACAF Champions Cup Final.
That’s right, folks: MLS was very happy to promote the Crew’s appearance in that final, but was seemingly unwilling to give them any sort of exemption on call-ups from Crew 2 in a rescheduled game because of that final. Way to go, MLS bureaucrats. The most amazing thing is that Wilfried Nancy managed to avoid collecting a fine while talking about the stupidity of the situation for five minutes.
Fortunately for him, both Schulte and Hagan will be back this weekend.
The real shame of all this was all so stupid that it overshadows a rivalry game between them and Cincy, a game where the two combatants are trying to stay in touch with Miami for the East lead.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Columbus, because they deserve something after the league’s dumbassery last weekend.
Sickos Game of the Week
Inter Miami vs. Philadelphia Union (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
There was a time a long time ago — three years ago, to be precise — when this game would’ve appeared in this slot for the exact opposite reason that it’s appearing this week. The Union were the reigning beasts of the East. Inter Miami were a dumpster fire that had only briefly flirted with competence.
And now? Miami after the infusion of tens of millions of dollars into the roster is firmly in control of not only the Eastern Conference but have one hand on the Supporters Shield. The Union? It’s been a crummy season. They’re down in 11th in the East and have only managed 30 points in 27 games, which is fewer than our beloved team, who has already fired one coach this season. I guess that winning a Supporters Shield and appearing in the MLS Cup final in the last five years has bought Jim Curtin some time.
But nobody cares about any of that shit.
Yes, folks, one of the least momentous returns of a superstar in modern sports history is nigh upon us. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always great to get the greatest player of our generation back in the lineup for your team, but will it matter too much? Since he last played on June 1, Inter Miami has shown how injurious his absence has been thusly:
| June 15 | at Philly | 2-1 |
| June 19 | vs. Columbus | 2-1 |
| June 29 | at Nashville | 2-1 |
| July 3 | at Charlotte | 2-1 |
| July 6 | at Cincy | 1-6 |
| July 17 | vs. Toronto | 3-1 |
| July 20 | vs. Chicago | 2-1 |
| August 24 | vs. Cincy | 2-0 |
| August 31 | at Chicago | 4-1 |
Yes, eight wins and one very bad loss, which was avenged a month and a half later. Now, there were some real garbage teams in that stretch and the farthest they had to travel was to Cincy, but still, credit where credit is due: 8-1 without one of the greatest of all time is pretty salty.
It would be funny if Messi returned to lead Inter Miami to a loss. It’s almost too much to hope for, but still…
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philly, for the laughs.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Bye
I’m sure Jesús Ferreira will be streaming, though.