I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
The late, great Howard Cosell once called sports the “toy department of life.” I took last week off from the column because I had a death in my family, and well, spending time writing about the toys in the toy department didn’t seem appropriate.
Of course, Our Heroes didn’t exactly help matters either, playing twice at home, going up 2-1 twice, and blowing those 2-1 leads twice after the 70th minute. But hey, if there’s a week where FCD can blow themselves up rather spectacularly between red cards, unfortunate giveaways in their own penalty area, and a maddening inability to defend leads, I’m glad it was this week, in which my mind was focused on things other than throwing my TV out the window.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Nashville SC vs. Philadelphia Union (MLS Season Pass, Saturday at 7:30)
You know who didn’t have a bad week last week? These two teams. Like FCD, both these teams played twice last week. Nashville won both of their games, both on the road, at New England and at DC. Meanwhile, Philly also played on the road twice and won in Chicago and lost in Columbus, but they’re still on top of the Supporters Shield standings. Not a bad week for either team. It certainly beats the crap out of FCD’s week.
Of course, the reason why Nashville was on the road last week was because GEODIS Park was hosting FIFA’s latest money-grab know as the Club World Cup. Now, I appreciate that this competition has completely supplanted — at least for this summer — all those preseason friendly tours that the big Euro clubs make this time of year. And since next summer is the actual-factual World Cup, that means we’ll be deprived of watching “Manchester United” or “Bayern Munich” or “Juventus” field teams of players with no names and very large numbers on their shirts until 2027 at least. Darn.
Until then, we’ll have to settle for games like this, in which two teams will field their actual players and presumably play great soccer.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Nashville.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Los Angeles FC (Apple TV+ free game, Saturday at 7:30)
One of MLS’s representatives in the CWC was LAFC, who got in at the last minute because someone discovered that — oops — both León and Pachuca were owned by the same folks, necessitating a playoff with América, which they won. Please note that I used the word “was” in reference to LAFC and the CWC, because they were the first team eliminated from knockout round contention after losing to Espérance de Tunisie 1-0 in the second matchday of Group D.
Now, Espérance got into the CWC by being the best-ranked eligible team in the last four years, but let’s not act like folks weren’t expecting a different result in that game. So, after a mostly meaningless draw with Flamengo in the third game, LAFC was back in action last weekend and lost at home to Vancouver.
Great job, great effort, guys.
That game against Vancouver also doubled as the farewell game for Olivier Giroud, who decided after three goals in 21 league games that he had had enough of sunny Southern California and is returning to France to play for Lille. Personally, I would’ve had enough if someone had robbed me of half a million of jewelry, but Giroud stuck it out.
Of course, when you’re paid millions and only produce three goals in 21 league games, people are gonna know why, and Giroud had an answer:
Well, Olivier, you were just playing for the wrong team. You should’ve been playing for Little Brother Green, who apparently don’t ever expect to score, no matter how much money they’re paying in salaries.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LAFC, who, for once, are not the last stop in a thirtysomething star’s career. I’m also rooting for people to finally pick up on the notion that Ligue 1 is a farmer’s league with one great team, but we’re not ready for that discussion yet.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Charlotte FC vs. Orlando City (FS1 and Apple TV+ free game, Saturday at 6:15)
One more note on the Club World Cup. It was a little bit amusing to see all the caterwauling coming from European clubs about allegedly brutal conditions at some of the venues, including Charlotte, and Orlando, and Miami, and Nashville.
Please note that none of said caterwauling was coming from any of the managers from the Americas, or Africa, or Asia. Just Europe. It’s as if people all of a sudden discovered that it can get really hot in the afternoon in North America during the summertime.
If only there were a league that had had a summertime schedule for almost three decades. If only there were a World Cup that was held in the United States in 1994. Well, we can only imagine what sort of lessons we could’ve learned about playing soccer in the heat if any of those things were true. Maybe they could do what that league has done for almost three decades: Play the games in the evenings. But wait, we have a better solution from the UK:
As for this game, which is apparently going to be held somewhere in Scandinavia and not a place that Enzo Maresco found so offensive, it will be held in the evening. There will be cooling breaks around the 30th and 75th minutes, and Dean Smith and Óscar Pareja will not mention anything about the intolerable cruelty of playing the game in these conditions:
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando, whose subs will certainly not be hanging out in the dressing room.
Sickos Game of the Week LA Galaxy March Toward History Game of the Week
LA Galaxy vs. Vancouver Whitecaps (Apple TV+ free game, Friday at 9:30)
Enough of the Club World Cup already. Let’s talk about the teams that’ll be playing Friday night so that they can shoot off a bunch of fireworks after the game. One of them, the LA Galaxy, is truly something to be marveled at. Through 20 games, they have one win, 13 losses, and six draws. They have a -23 goal differential. They might finish with the worst season in league history, a truly amazing achievement for a defending MLS Cup champ.
Amusingly, however, they currently have a better home record (1-5-2) than FC Dallas (1-6-2). Whether that stays true after this weekend depends greatly on how impotent FCD decides to be in the friendly confines of a slightly demolished Toyota Stadium.
But the Gals are gonna be facing their own struggles, since the Vancouver Whitecaps are coming to town. Yes, the Vancouver Whitecaps, whom we recently witnessed getting torn to shreds by Cruz Azul at the beginning of the month, have dusted themselves off, done the ritual complaints about intestinal distress after the game, and returned to league play, going winning two and losing two since then. When you read that and then consider that they’ll be without Sebastian Berhalter and Brian White, and the game will be in Carson, you might think that the Gals might have a shot in this one.
But c’mon. You don’t win one game in 20 by being able to handle the more pedestrian teams or even the really good teams who are dealing with a few impediments. This is where the heart of a champion historically bad team really shines through.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver, who, having beaten LAFC last weekend, should crown themselves Kings of LA when they win.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Minnesota United (FS1 and Apple TV+ free game, Friday at 7:45)
This season has been kind of weird, to say the least. 11th place is not where any FCD fan wanted the team to be at this point. But the fact that they’ve got THE worst home record in the league at this point and sit 11th is something of an achievement.
An entire cottage industry has sprung up this season to speculate about why Toyota Stadium, once a fortress for FCD, has become a house of horrors. Has it been the tarped-off east side of the stadium currently under construction? Has there been some sort of tactical difference between the way FCD and their opponents have played at Toyota Stadium and elsewhere? Has it been just bad luck?
I’m not here to focus on what’s been so far this season. I’m here to focus on turning the corner and starting afresh, and returning to things that you did well in the past. Look at our old pal Jesús Ferreira. He’s had a tough time so far this season. The Seattle fans have been all over his ass for his lack of production. Did he dwell on it? Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But what he did do is return to fundamentals, namely beating Little Brother Green’s bohiney:
And that’s what FCD needs to do on Friday night. The stands are gonna be full — at least the ones that aren’t sitting under tarps — and they’re gonna be full of people attending their one FCD game a year and spouting their usual nonsense about how the game would be so much better if they got rid of the offside rule or how there’s at least four guys on their rec team who could easily be play for FCD. They’re all gonna be impatiently waiting for a big honkin’ fireworks display.
It’s gonna be hot, though not as hot as it usually is. Frisco PD is gonna do their usual ridiculous job of traffic control. The concessions stands are gonna have long lines and run out of something they shouldn’t be running out of.
What I’m saying is that all the ingredients are gonna be there for a good old-fashioned Dallas Burn/FC Dallas victory before the fireworks. So let’s not dwell on the fact that they lost to San Jose, San Diego, San Antonio, San Marcos, San Francisco, and every other saint with a Spanish name last week. Get ready for a 3rd Degree the Podcast victory podcast this coming Tuesday. Download it while you’re waiting to get out of the parking lot.