I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week Two weeks ago
One of the ✌️fun✌️ things about Major League Soccer is that it doesn’t completely suspend play for every international break; it just plays a much-reduced schedule. And every team in the league will have to play a couple of games during international breaks during the season. So FCD was off last weekend and we all got to watch the USA get pushed around by Turkey and Switzerland. Fun.
And because it was two weeks and because I’m aging and my memory is quickly getting as short as a fruit fly’s, I had to think for a few seconds about who FCD actually played two weeks ago. Oh yeah, it was Philly. Oh yeah, it was 0-0. Oh yeah, Lalas Abubakar got himself run right before halftime on one of the dumber second yellow cards you’re going to see. And oh yeah, FCD only had two shots on goal during the game.
But hey, it was more fun than watching the USA national team.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Columbus Crew vs. Vancouver Whitecaps (Apple TV+ free game, 6:30)
One of the most annoying parts about the NBA is that it’s constantly surrounded by fretting that the teams that do well aren’t in “big markets.” How many times have we heard that the NBA needs the New York Knicks to be good? Or the Lakers? Or the Celtics?
The current NBA Finals between teams from Indianapolis and Oklahoma City have only heightened this anxiety:
It’s weird. You never hear about this with the NFL, where two of the historic marquee teams come from Green Bay, Wisconsin, and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. You never hear about this with the NHL, who currently have a Stanley Cup final between a team from Miami and a team from Edmonton. You occasionally hear about it with MLB, but honestly, they just want the Yankees and Dodgers in the World Series every year and wouldn’t be as excited about the Mets and Angels.
Why do I bring this into talking about this game between the current Supporters Shield leader and the team near the top of the East, who won MLS Cup two years ago? No reason.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver. They deserve something nice after their unfortunate trip to Mexico City a couple of weeks ago, and having to play Seattle with half a roster last week. (Holds finger to ear) Oh wait, I’m getting late-breaking word that they hamblasted the Sounders with half a roster. Never mind.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. New York Red Bulls (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
While I normally talk shit about the little brothers, I will give Little Brother Green their laurels for once, because they achieved something rather momentous last weekend in Commerce City:
They scored more than one goal in a league game for only the second time this season, the first time having done so since March.
So, for having achieved that, I will present you with a major award:
Oh sure, some might call it a tacky lamp, but hey, it’s an award that you won. You didn’t pay any money for it, unlike a certain forward from the Spanish second division who cost you north of $10 million and has scored a grand total of one goal in Major League Soccer.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Red Bulls, who have never spent $10 million on any player, ever.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Philadelphia Union vs. Charlotte FC (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
Speaking of the Red Bulls, did you know that Bradley Carnell was their interim manager once upon a time? He was the interim for 14 games after the Red Bulls fired Chris Armas in 2020. He had a creditable record as interim, racking up 23 points in 14 games. But he was replaced on the eve of the 2020 playoffs with Gerhard Struder. And the Red Bulls lost to Columbus.
His next gig was in St. Louis, where he was the first manager in team history. He led to the top of the Western Conference in 2023 in the team’s first season. His reward for that was to get fired midway through his second season, after starting with 16 points in the first 20 games in league play. Possibly unfair, given what he had achieved the prior season, but… not my circus, not my monkeys.
And now he’s in Philly, where he has to succeed the most successful manager in their 15-year history. And he’s guided them to the top of the Eastern Conference midway through the 2025 season, just a point off of the lead for the Supporters Shield.
But that’s not what interests me. What interests me is how he’s ultimately gonna be shown the door. In his last two gigs, we’ve had:
- Replaced right before the playoffs
- Fired less than a year after he’s finished atop the West
When the Union ultimately end up canning him/replacing him/whatever, will he be replaced by a Make-A-Wish recipient? Will he pop off to @KDTrey5 on Twitter, who just happens to be minority owner Kevin Durant? Will technical director Ernst Tanner decide that he’s done with hiring coaches and just name himself coach?
I can’t wait to find out how this particular “coaches are hired to be fired” story ends.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philly, because the odds are better that Philly fans will say something to Wilfried Zaha that’ll cause him to say something.
Sickos Game of the Week LA Galaxy March Toward History Game of the Week
St. Louis City vs. LA Galaxy (Fox and Apple TV+ free game, 3:30)
The thing I love about St. Louis City is that they are a traditional football club. By that, I mean that they’ll hire coaches in the offseason, look at their record halfway through the season, and fire the coach midway through the season if they don’t like the record.
St. Louis’ first season in Major League Soccer was in 2023. If you include the interims, and you kind of have to because they’ve each started midway through the season, they’ve had four managers. They’re currently in their third season.
Do you know who FC Dallas’ fourth manager was? Steve Morrow, whose tenure with FC Dallas was very St. Louis-like. He was named manager in the 2006-07 offseason, after FCD made the dumbest coach firing in the 29 years of the club, firing Colin Clarke. He managed until mid-2008 and was fired on May 20 after the Galaxy rolled into Pizza Hut Park and drummed FCD 5-1 on May 18. But still that was the 13th season of the club’s existence.
And one might look at all that I just wrote and say, “Wow, St. Louis is really crazy with firing their managers.” Well, maybe. 16 points in 20 games is a good way to get yourself canned, but… it’s not as John Hackworth’s 18 points in 14 games way an otherworldly improvement, or that Olof Mellberg’s 11 points in 15 games is a terrible dropoff.
We’ve had and will continue to have all sorts of laughs at the LA Galaxy’s expense this season, and rightfully so. They’re having a historically bad season. But they’re also the team that has appeared in 10 MLS Cup finals, in every single decade that this league has been around, and won six of them. We’re laughing because the league’s bully is getting its butt kicked right now, but we know that they’ll be back to being the bully soon enough.
St. Louis, you’re not just having a bad season. You’re a bad team that had the sun shine on it for one year.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, because both these teams deserve a little sunshine, but only a little.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Sporting Kansas City vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
I completely did not plan to segue from a club that has no clue what to do about coaching hires to one that, until FCD put the final nail in the coffin of Peter Vermes’ 16-year coaching career, appeared to have a pretty good idea.
But since FCD accomplished that feat on March 29, they have won just once in the subsequent 10 games, the amusing 4-3 comeback win against a heavily-rotated Inter Miami side. And although this factoid is not relevant to this particular game, it was also FCD’s last home win. Peter Vermes is cursing FCD from the grave unemployment.
Even more galling is the fact that firing Vermes and replacing him with Kerry Zavagnin, a name that I had not thought about in 15 years, appears to have righted the ship. I don’t know about y’all, but I’d kill for four wins and four draws in 11 games right about now. Hell, I’d kill for one win in one game right about now. I’m getting pretty dang tired of all these one-point moral victories against the likes of Cincy and Philly.
But on the upside, the team has had a week off to get rested and healthy. (Pay no attention to Paxton Pomykal, Ramiro, and Osaze Urhoghide on the injury list, and Kaick and Lalas Abubakar on the suspension list.) Even better, they’ll be back on the road, away from the not-so-friendly confines of Toyota Stadium. Look, I’ve never thought I’d see the day when I’d be happy about road games, but here we are. I don’t know how the vibes got so rancid at Fortress Frisco, but they are rancid. That should’ve been crystal clear when Little Brother Orange walked right in and took their lunch money last month.
That ain’t the case this week. Teams who have struggled at Toyota Stadium have come in and gotten results this year, so it’s high time that FCD return the favor in one of their houses of horror. And since half the players who know anything about defense are out anyway, time to go for a 5-4 win, baby.