I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Since my last column, FCD visited Seattle and Cincinnati, got a loss and a draw, respectively, and we had the following things happen in order of increasing likelihood:
- Patrickson Delgado served up a sweet cross to Sebastien Ibeagha’s head for the tying goal in 2nd half stoppage time in Cincinnati. You can’t explain that. Don’t even try.
- Osaze Urhoghide committed a terrible handball in the box for the penalty in the 86th minute that was converted for Seattle’s winning goal. He wouldn’t have been my first choice… or my second… or my third. I would’ve had almost every other field player ahead of him if I were to guess who was the culprit.
- Jesús Ferreira continued not scoring for Seattle. He did score on Wednesday night against San Diego, so he might go on a heater and finish the season with five goals.
- Petar Musa broke his post-injury mini-slump with a clinical finish in Cincy. I feel like some of our fellow FCD fans have the memory of a fruit fly and can’t remember how many 9’s this team has had for a decade, who couldn’t finish a sandwich, and don’t really appreciate what he brings to the table.
- Ibeagha put the ball into his own net for Cincinnati’s first goal. Every central defender’s gonna do it eventually, so yeah.
- FC Cincinnati won the xG 2.8-1.6, according to MLSsoccer.com. Oh wow, a team that has absolutely nailed almost all their attacking signings the past few years, playing at home, generated a lot of goal-scoring opportunities? The hell you say.
- The Cincinnati fans booed Lucho Acosta mercilessly for 90 minutes. Look, I get that folks — including Acosta — might have a problem with the “for 90 minutes” part of that last sentence, but I’m not here to police how people might want to feel about a guy who literally started agitating for a move out of town pretty quickly after the 2024 season ended.
So, a pretty normal week for FC Dallas.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Inter Miami vs. Columbus Crew (Apple TV+ free game, 6:30)
(2025 Lionel Messi content counter: 10)
“Didn’t you have Miami in this slot last week?”
Yes, I did. But check out this week’s schedule. The one other possibility would’ve been Seattle-Minnesota, but honestly, I’m a little Seattle’d out at the moment. I’m tired of writing about their endlessly competent selves.
Besides, how can I resist this team when they’ve got the following last 5 results?
How can I resist this team when they’ve spent the GDP of a small Third World nation on 2015 Barcelona stars, and they’re currently sitting sixth in the East? How can I resist this team when they decided to hire Javier Mascherano on the “Jobs for Messi’s boys” plan, and they’ve ended up in this place?
And most importantly, how can I resist this game when the other team has been one of the shining examples of how to successfully run an MLS team? Unfortunately, that team had a bit of a misstep by moving their home game in this year’s series against Miami to Cleveland, where they lost home field advantage — and the game — in front of tens of thousands of folks in Barcelona, PSG, and Miami shirts.
But hey, that’s just one game. At least they haven’t been priming the pump for a classic Miami pump-and-dump when their new stadium gets built. Hey, it worked for the Marlins, and they had to tear down the Orange Bowl to make that happen.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Little Brother Game of the Week
San Diego FC vs. Austin FC (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
Here’s a neat stat that y’all will appreciate:
Through 16 league games this season, Little Brother Green has scored more than one goal only once. It was in March. At home. And as chance would have it, against San Diego.
Meanwhile, FC Dallas has scored three or more goals three different times, all in road games in Colorado, Fort Lauderdale, and Cincinnati.
Wow, Nico Estévez really isn’t beating the charges of being a soccer terrorist, is he? In fairness, however, who could’ve possibly foreseen that spending millions on a striker who’s only ever risen above the level “pretty good” during a couple of seasons in Cincinnati when he was playing with a diminutive Argentine 10 whom we know and love wouldn’t work out that great? And who could’ve possibly foreseen that maybe, just maybe, goalscoring production in the second division in Spain may not translate to MLS?
Anyway, I’m not just here to rip one little brother, but also to praise Mikey Varas, who has successfully stepped out of the long shadow of… (checks notes)… Luchi Gonzalez, to make his own name as a successful coach in Major League Soccer, at least so far. Now, maybe once he gets a couple of seasons under his belt, he may not look so good, but for now, he’s getting results.
Who knows, it might turn out like Dominic Kinnear. Kinnear was on Frank Yallop’s bench when the Earthquakes won the MLS Cup in 2001 and 2003. Then Yallop went off to coach the Canadian national team, which is usually a bad career move, and was never as successful ever again, even when he was running the Galaxy with Landon Donovan and David Beckham. Meanwhile, Kinnear won the Supporters Shield in San Jose in 2005 and MLS Cup in Houston in 2006 and 2007.
And if it turns out that Mikey Varas is a good coach in his own right, the fact that FCD had him on the payroll for a few years and still ended up hiring Estévez would be classic FCD.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: San Diego.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Orlando City vs. Chicago Fire (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
Speaking of coaches that were formerly on FC Dallas’ payroll and are prospering elsewhere in MLS, we’ve got Óscar Pareja and Orlando City, who have a 12-game unbeaten run snapped in Atlanta on Wednesday night. Granted, six of those games were draws — and four of those were 0-0 — so Orlando finds itself only fifth in the Eastern Conference. The only team with more draws is Columbus, with seven, who are fourth, despite having lost only twice this season.
Remember, kids: Draws will kill you dead almost as quickly as wins, a lesson that I would’ve hoped that Papi would’ve learned after 2017. FCD had only 10 losses, but were tied for sixth because they had 13 draws. What’s worse, they were tied on points with San Jose in sixth and lost out on the final playoff spot because the first tiebreaker is total wins, which San Jose won 13-11.
But you know who’s currently missing the playoffs the good old-fashioned way? Chicago. Everyone’s favorite whipping boy when he was in charge of the US national team, Gregg Berhalter, was writing a hell of a redemption story when Chicago started 3-1-2 and was near the top of the East at the end of March.
Then they experienced the trauma of the calendar changing from March to April and have only won two of the eight games since then, including being dogwalked 7-2 by Nashville a month ago. And as an old-school Dallas Burn fan, I love it.
But unlike a club near and dear to our hearts, they have advanced to the Open Cup quarterfinals, so it’s not as if life is all sunshine and rainbows.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando. Duh.
Sickos Game of the Week LA Galaxy March Toward History Game of the Week
LA Galaxy vs. Real Salt Lake (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
Usually with a team that is setting the sort of records the way the Galaxy are, there is one inevitable response: The coach gets canned. And the inevitable happened a couple weeks ago:
Wait, what? But honestly, this is how surreal this season has been for the Galaxy. If any sportsbook had offered odds back in February on the Galaxy starting the season with no wins in 16 games, they would’ve been ridiculous. It would’ve been “I just ended up with life-changing amounts of money with just a $10 bet” sort of odds. And let’s face it, Greg Vanney didn’t turn into a dummy when the calendar changed to 2025.
(By the way, if this happened two weeks ago, why didn’t I talk about it last week? Because I just HAD to jibber-jabber about the shitty field in San Diego, that’s why.)
You know who’s NOT a better coach than Vanney? Pablo Mastroeni. And what’s more, he made a much better case for having turned into a dummy when the calendar changed to 2025. After all, on January 11, he did trade Chicho Arango to San Jose for $1.4 million in Garberbucks and a 2026 international slot. Arango, for his part, has scored nine goals this season for the Quakes so far this season.
But since this game is a little cruel, RSL is merely bad, while the Galaxy is historically bad.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Philadelphia Union (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
Saturday night will see the end of one of the most brutal two-week stretches of games in this team’s history:
| May 17 | vs. Houston | 2-0 loss | Rivalry game |
| May 20 | at Red Bulls | 2-2 extra time draw (loss on penalties) | Never won at Sports Illustrated Stadium |
| May 24 | at Seattle | 1-0 loss | Haven’t won at Lumen Field since 2011 |
| May 28 | at Cincinnati | 3-3 draw | |
| May 31 | vs. Philadelphia |
“At least they’re at home.”
Really, is that a good thing this season? They’ve been handing out points in Frisco like I hand out candy to trick-or-treaters at Halloween. And just like I hand out the name-brand candy to trick-or-treaters, FCD’s been handing out wins to visitors. The only team they’ve beaten at home has been Sporting KC, and they fired Peter Vermes two days later.
Hell, if Little Brother Orange can come into Toyota Stadium and walk out with a win for the first time since 2011, what does that say about the former Fortress Frisco? I want to join the folks who want to blame the completely tarped-off east side of the stadium, but I just can’t connect the dots in my head. Besides, it’s not anything that they’ll be able to do anything about anytime soon.
Normally, this is the portion of the column where I rah-rah Our Heroes, who will cut down the weekend’s opponents like a combine through a wheat field, but man, this is just embarrassing. FCD has managed a 1-4-1 record in its first six home games this season. Four losses in six home games is bad enough, but in 2003, in their worst season in team history, in the worst home stadium in league history, they managed a 1-3-2 record through six home games. One point better.
Figure it out, guys.