I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accomplishment
Last week
Well, thank God that there were two games in the past week, and that the second one was an Open Cup game against USL League One club. I know that Eric Quill was handed a recent league MVP shortly before the season and is currently trying to figure out formations and lineups to maximize Lucho Acosta’s effectiveness when Petar Musa is not in the lineup. And I know that playing three-in-the-back helped key their comeback in Fort Lauderdale against a heavily rotated Inter Miami team that was playing its second game out of three in a week. But maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t a great idea from the first minute against a pretty good San Diego team that WASN’T being rotated.
Oh, and not that it makes any difference, but I don’t think that goal #4 was actually over the line. I grabbed these two frames off the Apple broadcast.
You be the judge. I’m not gonna get too twisted around the axle about this because, you know, this was goal #4 in a 5-0 beatdown, and well, when you let your defense get cut apart for 90 minutes, it probably ain’t the ref’s part. But it is worth noting. Just look at how much space Simo’s kid had when he scored that alleged goal. (Yes, Onni Valakari is the son of Simo Valakari, who played midfielder for the Dallas Burn from 2004 to 2006, a fact that I’m not sure was mentioned during the broadcast. If it was mentioned, my apologies to the D-list Apple crew that was calling the game.)
Speaking of D-list broadcast crews, we got one on Wednesday night when FCD returned to Open Cup play, broadcast live on Paramount+. It was a nice palate-cleanser at home against USL League One club AV Alta FC, and it went pretty much as you’d expect: A comfortable 3-1 FCD victory. And to his credit, Eric Quill definitely learned his lesson from Saturday night as he didn’t try to make three-in-the-back A Thing when he doesn’t have the personnel for it, and returned to a more conventional four-at-the-back.
But the game wasn’t so comfortable for a little while. Quill gave Maarten Paes the night off, and Paes certainly wasn’t fearing for his starting spot when this happened:
I guess it is on-brand for FC Short to have a goalkeeper who lets things bounce over his head.
EL SUPERCLASICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Los Angeles FC (Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 6:00)
In contrast to last week’s Sickos-grade game that SKC won 1-0 despite not having a single shot registered, SUNDAY ⚡ NIGHT ⚡ SOCCER ⚡⚡⚡ this week features a team that
- is in the final of the CONCACAF Champions Cup,
- is currently bestriding all of MLS like a colossus of yore,
- has gotten people wondering if they’re ascending to the pantheon of all-time greats.
And LAFC will be there too. Look, it is downright funny that as often as the word “superclub” has tumbled out of Alexi Lalas’ cakehole whenever he’s talked about LAFC, they are the ones that are currently in the the good-but-not-outrageously-good position of fifth in the Western Conference, currently have a short-timer as head coach, and currently have a DP striker who has scored one more goal this season than I have. Yes, LAFC has turned into a better-attended FC Dallas.
But back to the team in this matchup that is truly elite, the amusing thing to me is that, as much as MLS has suddenly remembered that they have a team in Vancouver, they did not actually qualify for the CONCACAF Champions Cup through MLS.
They got in by winning the 2024 Canadian Championship, a.k.a. the US Open Cup that wears a tuque. I suppose that I could take cheap shots at the Whitecaps for getting into the CCC by beating barely-professional teams like Cavalry FC, Pacific FC, and Toronto FC, but they have truly shown their mettle in the CCC by beating some of the continent’s best teams, and they don’t appear to be suffering any sort of ill effects — yet — in league play.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver
Little Brother Game of the Week
FC Cincinnati vs. Austin FC (Apple TV+ free game, 6:30)
FCD wasn’t the only Texas club that was getting curb-stomped last weekend. In fact, all three Texas clubs got beat and shutout last weekend. But while FCD and Little Brother Orange had to travel all the way to California to receive their beatings, Little Brother Green Doordashed their 3-0 asswhooping to North Austin, and it was delivered by Minnesota United.
I rate that delivery ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐, but obviously, our pals down in central Texas were less-than-thrilled:
But like FCD, they got to face a USL team midweek in the Open Cup and had a resounding bounceback victory…
Oh. Well, at least Brandon Vázquez and Myrto Uzuni can score against USL Championship teams, and Little Brother Green can come back from a goal down — or even two goals down — against USL Championship teams. I’m sure that this’ll be a good omen for a road game at (checks notes) the team sitting third in the Eastern Conference, two points behind the leaders.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Cincy. I wonder if they’ll give Vázquez a warm welcome back.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Philadelphia Union vs. Columbus Crew (Apple TV+, 6:30)
Honestly, this game should be in the Superclásico spot, but if I did that, I’d have to put some other Eastern Conference game here. And to be honest, while the Nashville-Charlotte game looks like a heater, I’ve featured those teams plenty lately, and if I gotta pick between Vancouver-LAFC and Nashville-Charlotte, I’m gonna go with taking shots at Olivier Giroud every day of the week.
But there was zero chance that this game wasn’t appearing in this column this week. First, they’re #1 and #2 in the East. Second, they’ve consistently been the two best clubs for the last several years. And for added spice, Dániel Gazdag will be making his first return to Philly since the Union sold him to the Crew for $4.5 million last month.
And while this is the Hatewatching Guide, I really don’t have any hate here. These are two teams that are well-constructed, well-managed, and have been playing some good soccer for years now.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw
Sickos Game of the Week
Toronto FC vs. DC United (MLS Season Pass, 3:30)
Back in the day, there was a channel called Fox Sports World, which carried a lot of soccer from around the world. They carried just about all of the major European leagues at some point or another, and it was a must-have if you were a soccer fan with a digital cable or minidish subscription. They later became Fox Soccer Channel, and Fox shut them down several years ago when they started FS1 and FS2. (BTW, they’re not to be confused with the current Fox Soccer Plus, your home for Coupe de France, rugby, Aussie rules football, and everything else Fox can get for cheap.)
Anyway, on the various soccer discussion boards at the time, the running joke was that the Saturday/Sunday afternoon Serie A broadcast on Fox Sports World was perfect background noise for your Saturday/Sunday afternoon nap on the couch. It was the perfect white noise because you had the Italian fans singing in whatever ancient stadium that was built back during the Roman Empire, you had the droning, barely interested announcer speaking in a soft voice, and it was Serie A, which isn’t exactly thrill-a-minute.
I told you all that to introduce you to this game, which I think is a great tribute to the Serie A naps of 20 years ago. It’s gonna be in the middle of Saturday afternoon, after all the games in England and Spain, and Germany are over. It’s gonna be in front of a passionate following that’s singing their hearts out at BMO Field in Toronto, which isn’t as old as most Italian stadiums, but it is actually older than most stadiums in MLS.
And the soccer on display is not likely to be anything that you’d want to show off to anyone who’s not already a fan. These teams are terrible, and they’re down at the bottom of the Eastern Conference for a reason. And what’s more, Toronto has a couple of high-priced Italian players who don’t like each other and whom the fans hate.
So settle down on the couch, grab your favorite blanket, and rest up for the rest of the evening’s MLS action.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, I guess. Or alternatively, you can stay awake and watch any of a number of games on-demand on ESPN+, Paramount+, or Peacock.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Real Salt Lake (Apple TV+ free game, 7:30)
Back when Óscar Pareja was still running FC Dallas, the club’s slogan was “Busca la forma.” It means “Look for the way.” It was essentially a call to action for the club’s players coming up through the academy to eventually figure things out as they’re making the step up from academy soccer against their kids to playing with and against veteran pros. You’re no longer the top of the heap with your age group, you’re gonna encounter difficulties during games, during seasons, during your career, and you’re not always gonna have a coach helping you out, so… look for the way.
It’s a good metaphor for life, and it’s a good slogan for a club that has had a culture of building from within, and launching young talent out into the world, and it’s applied to coaches as well.
Eric Quill came to the club under Pareja, he won a USL League One championship with North Texas SC, he went off to be an assistant in Columbus for a year and a half, leaving midway through an MLS Cup-winning season, he returned to USL and had the best team in the USL Championship last year with New Mexico United, and FCD brought him home this offseason. He’s been successful at every stop before now.
But like young players who succeed at every age group and move up steadily until they find themselves with the first-teamers and are challenged in ways that they’ve previously never been challenged, so it is with Quill. He’s no longer coaching guys who have to have second and third jobs to be professional players, he’s coaching players who are making millions a year. He’s coaching international players. He’s coaching against teams with high-level managers and million-dollar players.
And what’s more, right before his first season, he was handed a guy who was league MVP two years ago, a guy who doesn’t quite fit how the team’s been set up, so now he has to figure that part out while he’s figuring out everything else. And while he’s figuring all that out, he’s got multiple high-priced players on the injured list right now — Petar Musa, Sebastian Lletget, Paxton Pomykal. And he gets to do all that while he’s trying to develop the next generation of FCD talent, and play in a stadium that will be under construction for three years.
But this is the challenge you wanted, coach.
Busca la forma, profe.