I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Another road game, another result. Look, I don’t know what the guys are eating when they’re away from home, but I want some of that. Not only are they still undefeated on the road, they’ve fought back from multi-goal deficits multiple times in doing so, and they’ve fought back from multi-goal deficits multiple times to take the lead multiple times. But unlike the game in Colorado, they actually managed to hold onto the lead this time. And they handed Miami their first home loss of the season.
Some might discount FCD’s win because none of Miami’s big-money players were in the lineup, but hey, FCD’s Not Winning the Supporters Shield This Year lineup was missing a few players too, including their leading scorer. And FCD is still trying to figure out how to figure out how to play with their former league MVP #10, who rolled into town right before the season.
Some people much smarter than me will worry about that stuff. I will enjoy the win, I will enjoy the vibes, and I will enjoy this shot of the greatest player of our generation giving us his reaction to seeing his current club blow a two-goal lead by conceding three straight goals:
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Columbus Crew vs. Charlotte FC (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
Several weeks ago, I wrote about Charlotte FC forward Wilfried Zaha, on loan from Galatasaray, who had won CLT FC’s Man of the Match award the previous week and was fêted with CLT FC’s wacky coronation ceremony for their Man of the Match. Zaha’s expression in the picture a big element of “WTF” to it, which should’ve been a tip-off, almost as if the guy wasn’t entirely sure what he had gotten himself into.
What you got yourself into, Wilfried, is a loan deal with a team in America that is younger than some articles of clothing in your closet that plays on a plastic field in an NFL stadium located in a city that barely existed 50 years ago. What were you expecting?
And sure enough, as might be expected from a forward who’s been with six clubs in the last 15 years, drama has followed him to North Carolina. Last week, after catching a bit of heat from fans in a 1-0 home loss to New England, he fired back on Snapchat:
Two things:
- Snapchat? That’s still a thing? I know it was the official Social Media Scourge to the youth of this nation a decade ago, back before TikTok, but I didn’t know it was still around. What, he couldn’t remember his Myspace password?
- He’s complaining about the heat he’s getting from fans and media… at Charlotte FC? He’s been at Crystal Palace, Manchester United, and Galatasaray, all of which have far more passionate followings than CLT FC and all of which command a much greater media following than CLT FC. This heat isn’t anything more than a warm breeze on an August afternoon.
But yes, we see you, Wilfried. I know that it’s hard to get attention when all of the state’s sporting attention is focused on the septuagenarian head coach of the football team up the road in Chapel Hill, but don’t act like you’re suffering greatly due to the grumbling of the vicious and bloodthirsty Charlotte FC fanbase.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Columbus. Wilfried Nancy wins the Battle of the Wilfrieds.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Los Angeles FC vs. Houston Dynamo (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
First of all, congratulations to Little Brother Orange on their big victory over Little Brother Green last week in the first leg of the 2025 Little Brother Derby. They got 90% of the way to victory simply by scoring a goal, then when they scored a second, you knew that Little Brother Green’s $30 million attack would be more helpless than an orangutan that had to land a crippled 747. And they were.
By the way, some Galaxy fan on Reddit was complaining that people were calling rivalry games “derbies” when the two combatants were not actually located in the same city. I pointed out to him that that would include his team’s biggest rival, and he said that would be correct, that El Tráfico was NOT a derby. That guy must be fun at parties.
Speaking of LAFC, we haven’t touched on the fact that the remainder of this season will be the Steve Cherundolo Farewell Tour. Two weeks ago, Cherundolo announced that he’d be stepping down from the LAFC head coaching job at the end of the season.
Now, this is strange because this is only his fourth season in charge, and while we FCD fans have a lot of experience lately with short coaching tenures, both Luchi Gonzalez and Nico Estévez were flirting with all-time bad seasons. Cherundolo, on the other hand, has been successful by any objective measure, with an MLS Cup and Supporters Shield in 2022 and an Open Cup last year. In 30 years of MLS, I really wonder how many three-year stretches were as successful. I can think of a few, but very few.
In the press release from LAFC, there was the following quote:
“It is an honor to be the head coach of LAFC,” Cherundolo said via a press release. “After much reflection and discussion with my family, we made the decision that at the end of this year we will return to Germany. I love Los Angeles and LAFC, but this move is in the best interest of my family, even as it will ultimately take us away from a team, city, organization and fan base that I am proud to represent.
Wait, he’s a former international player who’s been successful as a coach and is moving from Southern California to Germany. He’s the anti-Jürgen Klinsmann.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
“Let’s Pretend to Care about the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Atlanta United vs. Nashville SC (Fox and Apple TV+ free game, 1:45)
A graphical representation of what transpired at GEODIS Park last weekend:
Holy crap. 7-2 sounds bad enough, but it was 7-0 before NSC took the foot off the gas and let the Fire score two pity goals in the last 20 minutes. And consider this: In over 29 seasons that FC Dallas has been around, they’ve only scored six a couple of times. Never seven.
And seven goals would be a significant chunk of Atlanta’s 11 goals scored for all of 2025, and you know, 11 goals after 10 games isn’t the worst scoring tally ever, but there’s the small matter than Atlanta spent around $45 million on three attacking players this past offseason: Emmanuel Latte Lath, Miguel Almirón, and Aleksey Miranchuk. And while Latte Lath’s five goals ain’t too shabby, Atlanta has received as much or more scoring punch from Owen Goal than from Almirón and Miranchuk.
Moreover, as bad as the scoring has been, the defense has been worse. They’ve given up 19 goals in those 10 games, which is almost at the bottom of the league. And while Atlanta’s defense has never been otherworldly, it’s never been this bad. Frankly, it’s a bit unfair to blame it on Brad Guzan. For this particular column, I made a rare foray into the advanced stats, and while Atlanta’s defense is bad by most measures, those stats that try to isolate for the goalkeeper’s individual performance have him as being pretty OK.
So frankly, one might conclude that Atlanta’s committing elder abuse by putting him back there on a weekly basis. And given what Nashville has shown they can do on the attack, one might need to have the number for Georgia’s senior protective services at the ready on Saturday afternoon.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Nashville.
Sickos Game of the Week
Sporting Kansas City vs. LA Galaxy (Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 6:00)
I just can’t quit these two teams. You know, after a while, you’d think I’d find someone else to put in this slot, but when these two titans clash on SUNDAY ⚡ NIGHT ⚡ SOCCER ⚡⚡⚡, how can I go with someone else this week?
This is gonna be a good ole-fashioned MLS bumfight, and the best part is that because it’s got MLS’ prime slot, it’s gonna get Apple’s #1 announcing team:
I could not possibly be more delighted to have Messrs. Zivin and Twellman attempt to put lipstick on this particular pig. One team has already fired its coach this season (You’re welcome, Spork fans) and the other shouldn’t, but might.
While I don’t have much esteem for most coaches in this league — there are maybe five who I genuinely think are great — FC Dallas legend Greg Vanney is one of them. He is the one coach in the history of Toronto FC that had them looking competent. He even won MLS Cup with them! Then he went to his other former club and turned them back around and got an MLS Cup there too! They’re winless and godawful this year, but he’s got extenuating circumstances there.
Now, some might say, “Hey, he knew coming into the season that he’d be missing Puig for most of the season and should’ve gameplanned for it,” but I guarantee you that if the Galaxy fires Vanney, he’d be unemployed for roughly 10 minutes. Or maybe he might take a little time off before there’s an opening just up the road at BMO Stadium.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LA, although I think that it would be funny to have the Gals follow up their MLS Cup with a Wooden Spoon.
Good Guys Game of the Week
San Diego FC vs. FC Dallas (FS1 and Apple TV+ free game, 8:15)
San Diego calls itself America’s Finest City, and man, it really lives up to the billing. The weather is usually beautiful and sunny, and not too hot and not too cold. The scenery is perfect. There’s lots of stuff to do there. And to top it all off, it’s got a good manmade barrier in the form of Camp Pendleton separating it from LA and Orange County. Most people who visit love it and would love to live there.
I said all that because their MLS team is brand-new, having played a grand total of 10 games in their entire history. This is FCD’s first game against that team, so it’s not like there’s been anything to cause any sort of bad blood between the teams. The only player on San Diego that might be worthy of scorn for FCD fans is “Chucky” Lozano, who scored twice for Pachuca in the last 10 minutes of the second leg of the 2017 CONCACAF Champions League semifinal to knock out FCD. But honestly, that just falls under the category of “doing his job.”
About the worst thing I can say about San Diego FC is about their fans’ speed-running through multiple different forms of bad behavior in their short history:
- In their home opener, fans were doing the chant on goal kicks that rhymes with “Pluto.”
- After their game against LAFC on March 29, there were brawls between LAFC fans and San Diego fans in the parking lot of Snapdragon Stadium.
Look, I get it. You cats are full of juice because you’ve got a brand-new team, and hey, they’re probably not too bad. If you had to put up with the early FC Cincinnati experience, it would probably take the edge off things a little. But settle down already. They’re not giving out awards for the most badassed fans in the league, so don’t try to win them.
Some might say that this is quite a change from me, given the things I did and said 25 years ago, and maybe it is. When I tell my wife stories about things I used to yell at opposing players years before we met, she looks at me with a brief look in her eye, questioning how she ended up with me. But I was never violent, and you don’t get a charge for singing about how Alexi Lalas pleasures himself.
So when FC Dallas rolls into town and inexplicably gets another road result — hey, I don’t really get it either — remember that you live in one of the greatest places on earth, and it more than makes up for not getting a home win against FCD.
Astro turf?