I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
I haven’t missed too many games in the last 29 years, but last week was one. Other commitments and all of that, so go read Buzz’s breakdown instead, and you too can act like you know something about soccer, which is how I’ve been faking it for years now.
Honestly though, I probably would’ve watched it if it weren’t 0-0 or if it were one of those games where one or both keepers are standing on their heads to keep the shots out. But it wasn’t. It’s fine. It’s a road point, and FCD remains undefeated away from Fortress Construction Site Frisco. And they did that without the services of Petar Musa and Lucho Acosta, who got most of the night off.
Onward and upward.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Minnesota United vs. Vancouver Whitecaps (MLS Season Pass, Sunday at 2:00)
Vancouver is on top of the league! They are rampaging through the rest of the CONCACAF’s finest clubs in the CONCACAF Champions Cup, including a 2-0 victory over Inter Miami in the first leg of the semifinals on Thursday night. You count the total number of losses that they have in all of 2025 on one hand, and have a couple of fingers left over. They’re legitimately good.
Their opponents are tied for second in the Western Conference, and although they came off a disappointing home draw against FCD last weekend, they’re also pretty good! (Don’t ask me about who they’re tied with, however.)
So OF COURSE this would be the game of the week in MLS, right? Wrong. First off, I’ll give MLS and Fox a little grace that it’s not the Fox game this week. Orlando-Atlanta has been a pretty good game in the recent past; it’s a regional rivalry of sorts, especially since they predate MLS teams in Nashville, Miami, and Charlotte. And these nationally televised matchups were locked in months ago.
But c’mon, y’all. This is what’s at Major League Soccer Soccer dot com:
OK, one of those games is the Fox game. Fine. Another is SUNDAY ⚡ NIGHT ⚡ SOCCER ⚡⚡⚡. Fine. But the third is Inter Miami-FCD, and well… I’m gonna be watching that, but I’m not here to tell anyone that it’s gonna be “must-watch.” I get that You-Know-Who makes the engagement machine go vroom-vroom, but the people who get into online slapfights with the CR7 stans are already gonna be tuned in.
But I see you, Caps. I see you, Loons. And I’ll be tuned in, mostly because it’ll be immediately preceding that third “must-watch” game.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Houston Dynamo vs. Austin FC (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
Ah yes, the semi-annual Little Brother Pillow Fight, with this leg in the Bayou City.
Now, many of us FCD fans are finding it slightly annoying that our former coach and xG enthusiast, Nico Estévez, has Little Brother Green tied for second in the West, but take comfort! They’re making it absolutely hilarious for the rest of us.
At some point, one of the 20 people who read this column after mistaking it for actual soccer content will say, “Enough already with the jokes about how Austin spent 30 million on an attack that scores less than your average incel.” But until that day comes, I will never stop laughing about how they spent all that dough on Brandon Vazquez and Myrto Uzuni and have scored less than a goal a game in response.
By the way, does Vazquez send Christmas cards to Lucho Acosta? If not, he should, because the only time in his career when he’s looked like a deadly goalscorer has been when he’s been with a certain diminutive Argentine midfielder.
But enough about the team with the fans who say “second downtown” unironically. Let’s talk about the team that actually plays their home games in downtown Houston and manages to draw fewer people than when they were playing at UH. They’re garbage. And they’re not a good team either.
I get it. You lose Coco Carrasquilla in the offseason, legitimately one of the best three players in CONCACAF at the moment, and you’re gonna have a hard time. So, expectations are gonna be lowered at that point, but holy crap, you guys have managed to get under that low bar. The good news is that your opponents this week are not likely to light you up for a ton of goals.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. What else?
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Nashville SC vs. Chicago Fire (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
This week, Bruce Arena said some stuff, and it got people hot and bothered.
Now, you can imagine how people on social media lost their minds. And while it’s easy to dismiss as nativist hooey from one of the two most successful managers in the modern era of the USA men’s national team, it does allow me to segue very smoothly into talking about this game, which features the last two USMNT managers to actually win silverware.
And as it so happens, they’re both American, so point to Il Bruce, I guess.
But yes, the two managers in this game are the last two managers to win silverware with the USMNT. We all know about Gregg Berhalter’s time with the USMNT. Not only did he win the coveted Messiest Situation With Overbearing Soccer Parents award, he also led the MNT to two CONCACAF Nations League and a CONCACAF Gold Cup.
But lest we forget, Nashville’s manager, B.J. Callaghan, served as the USMNT interim manager between Berhalter’s first stint and his second one. And during that time, he led the USMNT to a CONCACAF Nations League championship in 2023. He also led the USMNT to the semifinals of the CONCACAF Gold Cup a few weeks later, where they were eliminated by Panama. (Always the pesky Panamanians.)
And while you can say “Oh, it’s just CONCACAF,” I would point out that neither of them lost to both Canada and Panama in the CONCACAF Nations League, unlike Mauricio Pochettino.
Another thing that Pochettino hasn’t done is rebuild a floundering MLS team. And while we’re only a quarter of the way into the first full season in charge for either guy, their teams are currently sitting in playoff position in the Eastern Conference. Sixth and eighth, mind you, but still a great improvement from their teams’ 13th and 14th finishes under previous management.
So while Bruce Arena is prone to saying things that your great uncle might say after he’s had a few at Thanksgiving dinner — and frankly, it probably gives you an idea what he might’ve said that got him the heave-ho in Foxborough — it’s not as if Callaghan and Berhalter are terrific rebuttals.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Nashville, because Gregg Berhalter nonetheless annoys me.
Sickos Game of the Week
FC Cincinnati vs. Sporting Kansas City (MLS Season Pass, 1:30)
Since canning Peter Vermes on March 31, Sporting Kansas City has won two games and lost one, so this might be their last appearance in this slot for a while. However, they’re still 13th in the West, so they still get to appear here this week.
But it is nonetheless a new day next to Nebraska Furniture Mart in Kansas City, Kansas:
To be honest, I was surprised that he was still a free agent this far into the season. But then, Asier Illarramendi is still without a club, and I’m pretty sure that Illarra doesn’t drown puppies for fun, the way that Johnny Russell does… allegedly.
But the other reason that they’re in the Sickos slot this week is because they’re playing FC Cincinnati, who is once again very good and tied for the top record in the East. And while we seem to like their former #10 here at FCD, I suspect that they might like his replacement even more:
But while this might appear to be the classic Really Good Team vs. Really Crummy Team that we like in this slot, the Sporks might put up a little more resistance. But hopefully not.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Cincy.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Inter Miami vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, Sunday at 4:00)
(2025 Lionel Messi content counter: 7)
Do you remember where you were when Lionel Messi graced us with his presence at Toyota Stadium? Of course you do. It was only 2023. We’re not exactly telling Ted Eck stories here.
But here was FCD’s lineup for that game:
Count the number of players no longer with the team, a short eighteen months later. The biggest one, of course, is one Alan Velasco. I say “biggest” because he got FCD a nice payday when Boca Juniors bought him this offseason. But it’s also the most infuriating game from Velasco in retrospect, largely because it was the high water mark of his time in Frisco, it was a bit unlike the games before and since, and it was pretty easy to understand that he was showing out to impress his countryman wearing #10 for Miami.
(By the way, if you want to learn some colorful derogatory Spanish expressions, read the commentary about Velasco from Boca fans on social media. The Hunt family thanks you for your business.)
But not just Alan Velasco. EVERYONE was starstruck that night, from the fans to many of Velasco’s teammates. Even the normally reliable Marco Farfan had an unfortunate own goal that night.
Let’s hope that everyone’s got that out of their system. Inter Miami just came home from a midweek CCC semifinal game at the exact opposite corner of the continent; they’re down 2-0 in that CCC semifinal, and the second leg is on Wednesday. They just traded away Robert Taylor and Julian Gressel.
Make the old guys work. Run them down.