I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Friday
West #1 Los Angeles FC vs. West #8 Vancouver Whitecaps (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
This series is the only one in the West that has gone three games. The others?
- The Galaxy dispatched the Rapids pretty easily, winning 5-0 in Carson and 4-1 in Commerce City. Way to put up a fight, Rapids. Y’all must’ve had vacation plans for the beginning of November.
- Real Salt Lake put up a bit more fight, losing both games in penalty shootouts, but still… you’re done. I’m just glad that FCD didn’t run into that version of Dayne St. Clair when they faced Minnesota two years ago.
- The Sounders also advanced in two shootouts over Little Brother Orange, who had as many shots on target in two games (1) as unfortunately placed Héctor Herrera expectations (1). And now, HH is gone.
Incidentally, when folks say that the best-of-three format is kind of dumb, they can point to those last two games and well, they’ve got a point. RSL drew two games with Minnesota, and Little Brother Orange drew two games with Seattle, and both are out because they each lost two penalty shootouts. While I always like to say that draws will kill you dead almost as much as losses will over the course of the season, that obviously doesn’t apply in the playoffs.
But LAFC and Vancouver have each won a game in regulation thus far in this series. And if I told you six months ago that there’d be a European player in this series who has scored five goals for his team thus far in the playoffs, just about everyone would respond “Olivier Giroud, right?” And those people would be wrong because it’s Aberdeen, Scotland’s own Ryan Gauld, who had a hat trick against Portland, Vancouver’s only goal in Game 1 of this series, and Vancouver’s only goal in Game 2 that wasn’t scored by an LAFC player.
In fact, Giroud hasn’t scored a single goal in either regular season play or the playoffs. Yes, he scored one against SKC in the Open Cup final and he scored one in Leagues Cup against Columbus, but hey, it’s almost as if people who say that paying top dollar for a 38-year-old forward had a point. Meanwhile, Kei Kamara is making less dough, filling out his punch card for MLS clubs that he’s played with, and getting three goals and six assists this season. Nothing warms my heart more than that.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver. But the way these things go, Giroud will end up with a hat trick as he leads LAFC to victory and all the starhumpers in American soccer media will exclaim “THIS IS WHY THEY SIGNED GIROUD!”
Saturday
East #3 FC Cincinnati vs. East #6 New York City FC (MLS Season Pass, 3:00)
In the other “Ohio team vs. New York Tri-State Area team” series, the Red Bulls finished off the Crew a lot more convincingly than people would’ve thought. Mind you, it was a Red Bulls sweep, but that was a 1-0 victory in Columbus and a penalty shootout win in New Jersey after a 2-2 draw. Still, Columbus was the #2 seed, they had been rampaging through most competitions, finishing with 66 points, winning Leagues Cup, and advancing to the final of the CONCACAF Champions Cup. Getting swept by the Red Bulls was not in the cards.
And normally, I’d expect Cincy to take care of THEIR business, except for one small thing: They haven’t been very good the last few months. They only won three of their last 12 games in the regular season, they turned 22 shots into a single goal in Game 1 at home, and they got pounded into a smooth paste in Game 2 at (checks notes for where NYCFC are playing this week) Citi Field.
They’re back in Cincitucky for Game 3, but do you have much confidence in this Cincy team to take care of its business and not make the State of Ohio 0-2 in the first round of the MLS Cup playoffs? I don’t.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Cincy. Just because I don’t have much faith in them doesn’t mean that I want to see Sportswashing FC win anything.
East #4 Orlando City vs. East #5 Charlotte FC (MLS Season Pass, 5:00)
Trivia question: Which team left in the playoffs has never scored a single goal in its entire playoff history? The answer is Charlotte FC, who in their first-ever playoff appearance got beat 2-0 in Game 1 and won in a penalty shootout after a 0-0 draw in Game 2. Why, that’s as many as FCD has scored after 180 fewer minutes played. Work smarter, not harder.
The last time I saw this sort of lack of scoring from a Dean Smith-coached team, he was running the four corners offense before the shot clock was introduced to college basketball. (Oh come on, I haven’t done that joke all season. Give me a break.)
But seriously, it’s not for a lack of trying. They really tried to score on Orlando in Game 2, but just couldn’t. And since Kristijan Kahlina and his teammates were able to keep Orlando off the board in regulation and Kahlina made two saves in the shootout to get the same thing out of the game that they would’ve if they had won 5-0, namely, Game 3 in Orlando. Scoring’s overrated, I guess.
Since I’m an Óscar Pareja Fanboy, this series has got me feeling in a certain sort of way. Papi’s won Open Cups in Dallas and Orlando, he’s had fabulous regular season teams in both places, but the playoffs? Oof. The good news for him is that this game’s in Orlando. The bad news is that a single game is subject to being greatly influenced by a factor that analytics gurus refer to as “some crazy bullshit.”
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando.
East #1 Inter Miami vs. East #8 Atlanta United (MLS Season Pass, 7:00)
Speaking of “some crazy bullshit,” this is how Game 2 started in Atlanta last weekend:
At that point, you think that it ain’t gonna be Atlanta’s day. But they rallied, got a goal midway through the second half and the winner in stoppage time, and they’re back from the brink.
(By the way, can we talk about those Inter Miami alternate uniforms? Everybody loves them yadda yadda, but I just see the Miami Soccer Dolphins.)
So this series returns to Son of Lockhart Stadium on Saturday night for a do-or-die Game 3. It’s gonna be in prime time because of that guy wearing #10, and you’d expect that guy to be the difference-maker in this game. Or one of his pals from the Barcelona teams from a decade ago. But “some crazy bullshit” is never far away.
Look, I’m not a guy who believes in conspiracy theories, but you cannot tell me that Don Garber and the rest of the folks at Major League Soccer, LLC, not to mention the people at Apple, who are paying MLS big money for the rights, are looking at this game and are not getting pretty anxious. If Atlanta wins, there go the viewership numbers for the rest of the playoffs, right out the window. And if we see anything shady happen during this game that happens to benefit Inter Miami, well, you know where you heard it first.
(Hit like and subscribe on this video and I’ll be back next week with the TRUTH about how Stevie Wonder isn’t completely blind.)
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Atlanta, because it would make me laugh and laugh and laugh.