I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
As always, a GIF to start this section:
FCD jumped on DC United early, rolled into halftime with a 2-0 lead, and rolled out of Audi Field with a 4-0 win. It was an ass-whipping of the highest order, and DC should’ve known it was not gonna be their night when Patrickson Delgado reminded everyone that yes, he was actually on the field, and put in an absolute golazo right before halftime:
But it got me wondering: When was the last time that FCD beat anyone by four goals? As it turns out, it was a 4-0 win at Toyota Stadium over the Galaxy on July 24, 2021, and featured a hat trick by this guy named Ricardo Pepi. I wonder what happened to him.
But when was the last time they won by four goals or more on the road? August 16, 2014, a 5-0 win over the Quakes at Buck Shaw Stadium, a game that had a hat trick from Tesho Akindele and a brace from Fabián Castillo. That was Óscar Pareja’s first year as coach, so we had more than 80% of his tenure, the entirety of Luchi Gonzalez’s and Nico Estévez’s tenures, and a year of Eric Quill’s tenure since FCD put that sort of asswhipping on an opponent.
Truly an amazing game. One might even say… historic.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Charlotte FC vs. Nashville SC (Apple TV, 6:30)
Sometimes, it feels like the NASL never died. What I mean is that it seems like we never got past the point where the only players anyone pays attention to are the superstar players who are here for a last payday. Granted, some of these players show why they’re still worth paying attention to. The defending champs were rolling out Lionel Messi, Luis Suárez, Jordi Alba, and Sergio Busquets most weeks.
At the same time, a lot of legitimately good teams manage to fly under the radar because the American sports media never stops being a bunch of starhumpers. This game, which is the WALMART💥 SATURDAY💥 SHOWDOWN💥💥💥, is a case in point. Nashville at the top of the East, with Charlotte in a three-way tie for second with NYCFC and Miami.
Now, I’m not sold on Charlotte because I look at their coughing up three goals in the first 15 minutes to the Galaxy and not doing squat to come back and their dropping points to St. Louis at home and think that they might need to put more solid results on the board just a couple of big wins against Little Brother Green and the Red Bulls, and a scoreless draw against Miami.
Not that I’m not a little skeptical of Nashville, too. Yes, they’re in first in the East, but with a number of points that would put them in a tie for fourth in the West. But they’re doing all that while advancing to the quarterfinal of the CONCACAF Champions Cup. And they’ve only given up three goals all season. And on top of scoring machine Sam Surridge, they strengthened their attack by adding Cristian Espinoza in the offseason. And they’ve got a coach who has shown an ability to get the USMNT to not defile themselves in competitive matches.
But overall, yes, Nashville’s got a good team. You just won’t hear as much about them as what Heung-Min Son likes to eat for breakfast.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Nashville, who managed to pull off the “letting an aging centerback go to Toronto” move a lot more successfully than FCD did.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. LA Galaxy (Apple TV, 1:30)
Frankly, I was a little bit surprised to see this game at this time. Yes, I know, Apple and MLS stopped putting everyone’s games at 7:30 local time and started spreading them out during the day. Still, whenever I see an afternoon game in Texas, even in April, I start getting unpleasant flashbacks to hot afternoons at the Cotton Bowl because the Burn were playing in the Univision Sunday afternoon game of the week.
And the first thing I did was check the forecast:
So it’ll be not-so-hot but humid and maybe rainy for the game, which as we saw last week, is not a huge problem for our friends down I-35, who rolled into Miami for the inaugural game at Nu Stadium and rolled out with a 2-2 in which — stop me if you’re heard this before — a Nico Estévez-led team twice had the lead and twice let it go, largely because they let the opposition pepper their goal.
Honestly, it was the perfect result for the haters because almost no one else was happy. Miami and its fans weren’t happy because Little Brother Green dropped a deuce in the punch bowl at their stadium opener, despite the fact that they peppered Brad Stuver’s goal. The little brothers and their fans weren’t happy because their team’s goal got peppered, and they twice blew leads.
Nico Estévez was happy because he manages every team like a mid-table Spanish team, and that was a precious road point which will keep them out of the relegation zone. (Hat tip to Buzz for pointing out Nico’s coaching style a few years back.)
And this week, they’ve got a six-pointer against a fellow relegation-threatened team in the Galaxy. You almost forget that the Galaxy won MLS Cup two seasons ago, because in the process, they lost Riqui Puig to an Achilles injury for all of last season, and because he had a setback, all of this season as well. And frankly, they just haven’t been able to work around that. Admittedly, it’s hard to work around the loss of such a dynamic, influential player, but tell that to the Gals fans, who are watching LAFC, San Diego, and even San Jose looking terrific, and are getting pretty impatient with Greg Vanney.
You might think that this would be a winnable game for the Gals, but unfortunately for them, they’ve got the second leg of their CONCACAF Champions Cup quarterfinal series against Toluca at home on Wednesday night. On the one hand, losing 4-2 in Toluca puts them two goals down.
On the other hand, two away goals means they’ve got a chance if they show a bit of competence. So we might see a rotated squad at The Domain, which would be a shame.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LA
Sickos Game of the Week
CF Montréal vs. Philadelphia Union (Apple TV, 1:30)
I’m suddenly imagining the following conversation:
[2025 Me suddenly appears next to Present Me]
2025 Me: Hey, who’s gonna be Sickos Game of the Week this week?
Present Me: Kind of an odd question to ask when you’ve suddenly gained the ability to travel one year into the future.
2025 Me: The heart wants what the heart wants. Tell me.
Present Me: Montreal-Philadelphia
2025 Me: Oh, Philly’s gonna do naughty things to Montreal, right?
Present Me: Actually, Philly’s the worst team in the league and hasn’t gotten a single point yet.
2025 Me: No way. So who won the college football national championship?
Present Me: Indiana
2025 Me: So you’re just jerking my chain. I’m outta here.
[2025 Me disappears]
No, 2025 Me would not believe how bad the 2026 Philly Union are. Six games, four goals scored, and not a single point. And incredibly, they may not be the worst team in the league. (We saw that team get pounded 6-0 in LA last weekend.) But they’re bad enough. It turns out that selling three of your best players in one offseason may not be great personnel management.
And Montreal has assumed its usual place near the bottom of the Eastern Conference. But in all fairness to them, they have played all of their opening six games on the road because the usually brutal Montreal winter and early spring make Stade Saputo unplayable and because the Olympic Stadium next door is in the middle of a CA$870 million renovation to finally fix the roof. (No, really, they mean it this time.)
But that road trip is at an end, and the ball will roll at Stade Saputo under the spring sunshine of Montreal! And they’ve got the defending Supporters Shield holders coming to town in their home opener! And because those Supporters Shield holders now stink, the crowd might go home happy!
However, I recommend watching something else. The Little Brother Green-LA Galaxy game is on at the same time, for instance. Since Dante Sealy moved to Colorado in the offseason, none of us FCD faithful have even that reason to subject ourselves to CF Montréal.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philly.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. St. Louis City (Apple TV, 7:30)
Speaking of teams that fell hard from a lofty perch, we’ve got St. Louis City coming to town this weekend. It almost seems like ancient history when we remember how they came into the league in the olden days of… 2023, and went almost wire-to-wire on top of the Western Conference. They fell hard in 2024, and well, they haven’t been able to get up.
But this season? They’re still not good, but they have had a few decent results. They got road draws against NYCFC and Charlotte and beat New England. Their three losses have come at San Diego, at home against Seattle, and at LAFC. Their only game against anyone in the bottom half of the league was against the Revs, which they won.
What I’m saying is that we as FCD fans are feeling pretty good about how the season’s gone so far, but this game has “TRAP GAME” written all over it in big, red letters.
But really, “trap game” is the best compliment I can give St. Louis City. They are such an unserious club. They are literally “How do you say Montreal in Missourian?” Since their terrific debut season, they have posted records every season that are worse than all but one of FCD’s 30 seasons. They have had three full seasons in the league, and they’re on their fifth head coach. That’s the sort of foolishness that one normally associates with Joey Saputo.
They decided to sell their top scorer, João Klauss, a guy who’s put up double-digit scoring seasons two out of the three years that he was in St. Louis, for a paltry $2.375 million. And with the Galaxy, he has put up as many goals this season as St. Louis City has as a club: 5.
I thought FCD was the only club allowed to send productive players to LA and immediately regret it.
But unlike FCD, St. Louis City is not “better than you think” and should be treated like the chumps that they are.