I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Well, it almost worked. I don’t believe in moral victories — at this point, I’d like a real victory in downtown LA — but it was a refreshing change to see LAFC suffer a little bit in their own house.
And make no mistake: They were suffering. As FCD fans, we all recognise very well when FCD is clinging to a one-goal lead late in the game as the opponents are pressing hard for the equaliser, attempting to boot the ball aimlessly out of their own half to try to clear it, only to have it come right back a few seconds later. It is was something else to watch it from a supposedly good team with lots of star power.
But in the end, they got three points, and our heroes came back home from downtown LA with their usual zero, so the more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
San Jose Earthquakes vs. Seattle Sounders (Apple TV, 6:00 on Sunday)
It’s not often that the SUNDAY ⚡ NIGHT ⚡ SOCCER ⚡⚡⚡ game appears in this slot, but this week is one of those uncommon occurrences. Well done, Major League Soccer and Apple.
The real noteworthy item is that San Jose is appearing here at all. Over the past several seasons that I’ve been doing this column, they haven’t been in this slot, and when they have, it’s been because they were playing the Galaxy. You know, the long-time NoCal-SoCal rivalry, which has been around since 1996.
But they are here because they are not only undefeated, they haven’t allowed a goal yet this season:
- February 21: 3-0 vs. SKC
- March 1: 2-0 vs. Atlanta
- March 7: 1-0 at Philly
Now, those first two can be handwaved away by saying “oh yeah, home games against a team with half a roster and a Wooden Spoon contender from 2025.” But going into Philly and walking out with a shutout win against the defending Supporters Shield holders? That’s cooking with gas, baby.
And admittedly, I did not see this coming. In the offseason, they lost Chicho Arango, Josef Martínez, and Cristian Espinoza. Those guys accounted for 31 of San Jose’s 60 goals. And they were replaced by… Timo Werner, who arrived on a free transfer from RB Leipzig and hadn’t been a week-in, week-out starter in two seasons, was loaned to Spurs midway through the 2023-24 season. But since then, in the 2024-25 season with Spurs, he was a bench player, and when he returned to Leipzig for the 2025-26 season, he played only 13 minutes in Leipzig’s 22 matches before they let him go.
And despite all the ballyhoo from overly-excited sportswriter overlooked his recent form, he hasn’t started for San Jose yet, but has provided assists in each of his two substitute appearances, including the assist on the winning goal in Philly last weekend, while they get him ready for the unfamiliar role of being on the pitch at the opening whistle for the first time in over a year.
But while Werner’s gonna get all the headlines in his comeback bid, maybe it’s also good to give some credit to his boss, who’s working on his own redemption arc.
Jefe the Hater’ s rooting pick: Draw. I didn’t write anything about Seattle here, which is a shame because no one ever writes about them.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Houston Dynamo vs. Portland Timbers (Apple TV, 7:30)
Honestly, unless Little Brother Green gives me a good reason to write about them, I really don’t want to write about them. Holy crap, Nico Estévez has been unleashing his brand of offensively challenged soccer on the world, both in Frisco and in Austin, for more or less as long as I’ve been doing this column.
And their game this week against Real Salt Lake isn’t a good enough reason, even if we are witnessing the ongoing growth of Pablo Mastroeni from a walking motivational poster to an actual soccer coach.
But enough about that game. Let’s talk about the other little brother, the one from Houston. Last week, they were supposed to play their first road game of the season in Foxborough, but the game was postponed due the not-ready state of the grass that was put in for the World Cup, etc. We covered all that last week, so they got to spend a nice week at home, and Ben Olsen brought the team together for a sleepover. They stayed up late, they watched the Twilight series, they ate delivery pizza, and their moms picked ’em up early the next morning.
Actually, no, they didn’t do that… as far as we know. But even if they had, it still would’ve been a much better night than the Portland Timbers had. Not only did they lose at home 4-1 to their Cascadia rivals from Vancouver in a game that frankly wasn’t that close, but their manager, Phil Neville had the following to say after the game:
Oh, word? Any more sage words, Mr Neville?
I think I’m starting to understand why high-profile players keep wanting to GTFO of Portland.
Jefe’s the Hater’s rooting pick: Portland, but not because it wouldn’t be funny to hear Neville crash out some more.
Sickos Game of the Week
Orlando City SC vs. CF Montréal (Apple TV, 6:30)
Let’s address the elephant in the room: Orlando fired Óscar Pareja this week.
The problem for Papi was that this game is in this slot on merit because of how terrible Orlando’s been this season. They opened with two at home. In the opener, they lost to the Red Bulls 2-1, but that was essentially a 2-0 game until second-half stoppage time. A reminder: the Red Bulls missed the playoffs last year and were in their first game under rookie head coach Michael Bradley. In their second game, they hosted Inter Miami, had a 2-0 halftime lead, and… lost 4-2. Yes, Lionel Messi is still The Man, but conceding four goals unanswered in the second half is just not a good look for any manager.
An even worse look is to go on the road for the first time in 2026 to Yankee Stadium and get dumptrucked 5-0, with all of NYCFC’s goals coming by the 54th minute. So it surprised absolutely no one when Papi got the axe on Tuesday. It’s not just that they’ve lost all three games this season, it’s not just that they’ve lost all three games when two have been at home, it’s that they have not been the slightest bit competitive in five out of the six halves this season.
But here’s the deal: We’re three games into the 2026 season. Teams start poorly all the time. They have non-competitive stretches all the time. If you’ve decided three games in that you want to can a guy, you were already at the point where you were thinking about canning him. So why didn’t you do it in the offseason and give the next guy a full preseason to start getting his team the way he wants?
That’s not the way Orlando did it, though. So either they’ll play out the last 30+ games with an interim manager and get what they get, or they’ll hire the next permanent manager and get what they get with Papi’s players. Either way, it’s kind of a lost season. They should’ve either fired Papi in the offseason or given him a substantial part of this season to see if he could pull them out of this ditch.
But… I’m not an Orlando City fan. I’m just an FCD fan who, for once, doesn’t get to call Montréal the biggest dummies on the pitch in a given game.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Montréal. But Marco Donadel shouldn’t exactly feel like he’s got a job for life, either.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. San Diego FC (Apple TV, 7:30)
While we’re on the subject of coaches who formerly drew a paycheck from FC Dallas, we’ve got San Diego FC boss and former FCD assistant Mikey Varas coming back to Frisco on Saturday night. Now, on a personal note, I’m sort of the opinion that no grown man with the name “Michael” should be going by “Mikey.” Mike? That’s fine. But I’ll be the first to admit that that’s just a personal hangup of mine and that people should go by whatever name they want if it makes them happy.
Plus, if you’re the head coach of a team that has kicked as much ass as San Diego FC has kicked in their first season (plus a few games) of their existence, you’re allowed to call yourself whatever you want. And not only has SDFC kicked ass, Varas has also gone toe-to-toe with his team’s highest-paid player and come out on top. San Diego is still cruising, and any chance that Chucky Lozano has of playing for El Tri in the World Cup in three months is quickly evaporating. (On the other hand, Lozano is getting paid several million dollars a year to go to training and train off to the side, so it’s hard to say that he’s actually lost.)
But managers, no matter how good they are, win games. According to Eric Wynalda, in one of his few lucid statements over the years, managers can lose you games but never win them for you. And San Diego has a team full of badasses, from Anders Dreyer on down.
Not only have they gotten three wins in three games without conceding a goal — although one should not look too closely at their opposition — they also went down a man in the 9th minute on Wednesday night and a goal in the 13th and stormed back with three unanswered goals to win 3-2 in CONCACAF Champions Cup play. And they didn’t do this against some part-timers from the Caribbean, they did it against the two-time defending Liga MX champs Toluca.
Y’all, they are no joke, and the fact that I had to pull out the “Grown men don’t go by ‘Mikey'” line should tell you that they are no joke.
The last two games have shown that Our Heroes can trade punches with teams with league MVPs and scoring champs and loads of international experience. Time to take the next step, boys.