I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
As usual, a picture is worth a thousand words, and because I am someone whose brain has been rotted by being online for 35 years, a picture seems appropriate:
It started really great, in large part due to the Big Dawg, got really bad really quickly thanks to some good old-fashioned When Playing It Out of the Back Goes Wrong and assorted other defensive miscues, then got really good thanks to the most expensive acquisition in FCD history continuing to play like the best striker in FCD history.
Oh, and FCD signed Santi Moreno. The last time we saw him, we actually were supposed to see him, but didn’t actually see him playing in Frisco when the Timbers visited last year, since he was on his way to Rio to sign with Fluminense, much to the surprise/annoyance of everyone in the Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA metro area.
Flu, for those of you who remember, was the destination for Lucho Acosta once everyone figured out that it was working for either FCD or him. It has worked out better for him at Flu, where he’s a regular starter for them and has been getting goals and assists.
Meanwhile, FCD went straight up after Acosta’s departure and ended up making the non-play-in portion of the playoff field. Win-win.
The same cannot be said for Moreno, who has made what one might charitably call “special guest appearances”: 13 appearances out of 37 total matches that Fluminense has played in the Brazilian Serie A and Campeonato Carioca since he arrived.
Timbers fans are, of course, all over social media calling him every bad name that they usually reserve for Seattleites and Californians and swearing that he’ll be the worst signing ever for any MLS team because he’s not returning to the shangri-la of Providence Park. But hey, he’s a loan, so no transfer fee yet, and he’s got a green card, so no international slot required. And the guy produced in this league recently.
Normally, saying “how bad will it be” is usually some dark foreshadowing. But hey, it’s not like FCD hadn’t recently paid $5 million for a 10 who did squat, so it’s not like we don’t know how bad it can be.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
San Jose Earthquakes vs. San Diego FC (Apple TV, 9:30)
This game is actually in here by default, since the rest of the week’s schedule is kinda “meh.” Look at the crap that the league is promoting:
Mind you, two of those games will appear in this column, but not because they’re any sort of clash of titans. So we’re left with this game, which MLS, for whatever reason, doesn’t feel the need to hype up as “must-see,” even though they’ll be hyping up a bumfight on the fresh green grass in Atlanta and a likely bludgeoning in downtown LA.
But it should be a good game. Bruce Arena, who many people have alleged to be a good coach and builder of teams, has built quite a nice team in San Jose in just over a year. The Quakes have only given up a single goal in five matches, which happened to be the only goal scored in their only loss this season, a 1-0 home loss to the Sounders three weeks ago.
Given that the Quakes gave up almost two goals a game last season, it would appear that they’ve addressed their main issue. It’s probably a big reason why they currently find themselves in third in the West, even though their big signing of the offseason, Timo Werner, has only played 200 minutes in four appearances with one solitary start.
Again, Arena might know what he’s doing.
On the other side, we’ve talked about San Diego a bunch in this column, partially due to the fact that FCD played ’em a few weeks back. And until that game in Frisco, they were cooking with gas in the year 2026. They had a 100% winning record with zero goals conceded in league play and had won the first leg of their Round of 16 series with defending Liga MX champs Toluca 3-2, despite playing almost the entire match down a man.
But then came that game in Frisco, where they twice had a two-goal lead and managed to walk out with a 3-3 draw. A few days after that game, they went to Toluca for the second leg and got dogwalked to the tune of 4-0. Those two away goals that Toluca scored in America’s Finest City? Didn’t even matter. Then a few days after that, they returned home and gave up a goal in the 85th minute to let RSL walk out with a 2-2 draw.
I’m sure that SDFC was happy to see the international break, but I’m sure that break felt a lot like the Christmas break felt in school when you had a term paper due the week after you returned.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Inter Miami vs. Austin FC (Apple TV, 6:30)
Ah, that unmistakable new stadium smell.
For those of you who are unfamiliar, Inter Miami is opening up its new stadium this week. If it hadn’t been for the fact that the USMNT just laid two colossal eggs against Belgium and Portugal in the last week, it might’ve gotten more press. On the other hand, this ain’t 1999. New stadiums in MLS aren’t as big a deal as they used to be. Remodeled stadiums in MLS aren’t as big a deal as they used to be.
Just look at any FCD game thread the past year or so. Invariably, somebody will ask why the tarps are out at Toyota Stadium. Eventually, some wise guy registered whythetarps.com, which redirects to FCD’s newtoyotastadium.com.
Also, this is the third SSS that has been home to an MLS team in South Florida since the Fusion renovated Lockhart Stadium to be their home when they came into the league in 1998. They drew crummy crowds and were contracted a few years later, and Lockhart eventually went to seed.
Then, almost 20 years later, Inter Miami knocked Lockhart down and built a new stadium on its site, which has had more names in six seasons than Sean Combs has had over his career. And again, the crowds weren’t great until they signed the greatest player of our generation and all his friends.
“Hey, both of those stadiums were out in Fort Lauderdale. No one in Miami wants to drive to Fort Lauderdale.”
OK, fine. It’s a moot point now that they’ve got their new stadium in Miami. I’m sure that they’ll play home to nothing but full houses, even after Messi has decided that he doesn’t need to play anymore…
Oh. Well, I’m sure that it’ll turn out better this time. It’s not like there’s a population in South Florida that unreservedly loves baseball, the way they obviously do with soccer.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Inter Miami, but part of me will be amused if Nico Estévez’s brand of soccer terrorism manages to spoil the housewarming party.
Sickos Game of the Week
Los Angeles FC vs. Orlando City SC (Apple TV, 8:30)
Two years ago, this game would’ve been some hot shit, with Orlando winning silverware and finishing near the top of the East. And, if you look at the graphic above, MLS appears to think that it still is.
But while LAFC is currently on top of the West and in the quarterfinals of the CONCACAF Champions Cup and holding up its end of the bargain, Orlando City… is not. They showed how unserious a club they were when they fired Óscar Pareja after a 5-0 loss to NYCFC, the third loss in three games to start the season.
Since then? A 2-1 home win against an execrable CF Montréal and a 5-0 loss in Nashville.
So, uh, firing Pareja didn’t fix everything? Quelle surprise. But congratulations on that win, which may end up being a six-pointer in the Wooden Spoon race.
And hey, congratulations on signing Antoine Griezmann, even if he won’t join until July. He’ll keep you from giving up any five-spots this season, I’m sure. Nothing like a thirtysomething attacking midfielder on the tail end of his career, immediately after a full La Liga season, to reverse your defensive woes. Say what you will about the Santi Moreno signing, but this one appears pants-on-head dumb.
Normally, I’d say that this game would be another dead-certain lock to have Orlando give up another five goals, but for two items:
- LAFC actually had players who are desired for international duty, like Son Heung-Min, and those players might be a little gassed, what with playing for their countries and travel and all.
- LAFC has the first leg of their CONCACAF Champions Cup quarterfinal against Cruz Azul this coming Tuesday night.
What I’m saying is that Orlando might catch a break here and only lose 3-1 or 4-1. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer club.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LAFC.
Good Guys Game of the Week
DC United vs. FC Dallas (Apple TV, 6:30)
Speaking of unserious clubs, we have DC United, this week’s host for FCD’s occasional road game before their big road trip in the middle of the season to finish the east side of Toyota Stadium and get it ready for all the fans migrating from the west side in September.
Normally, I’d say that this’ll be a nice palate cleanser after three straight good teams (Nashville, LAFC, and San Diego) and a derby game against Little Brother Orange. After all, they have not been a good team very often since George W. Bush was in the White House.
Since they last won MLS Cup or the Supporters Shield in 2007, they have won the Wooden Spoon four times and finished outside the playoffs 12 times. But two things are keeping me from getting too cocky here:
- They’ve actually managed to win two of their first five games, against Philly and Chicago, and are currently sitting sixth in the East.
- Even if DC’s actually a bad team again, FCD has a bad habit over the years of looking like a legitimate team when they’re up against good teams and falling flat on their faces against the bad teams.
So while DC United may not be as salty as, say, San Diego, I’m still viewing this game with a wary eye. While every point is precious every season, it’s doubly true this part of this season. They’re gonna have a slog from May until September when they’re playing nine Western Conference teams on the road, including San Jose, San Diego, Vancouver, and Salt Lake, and they might be losing their meal ticket, the single best striker that they’ve ever had come July if somebody rolls up with a huge pile of cash for Dan and Clark Hunt.
And frankly, if this team has any ambition, this is the sort of game that they should win. Not just “get a result,” not just say “good road point,” but win.
So fellas, don’t play like whatever it was y’all were between the 29th and 34th minute two weeks ago. Play smart and play like you did the rest of the game, and bring home three points.