I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Hoo boy. All y’all degenerates who bet on MLS and bet on the “over” for FC Dallas-Nashville SC should take a lesson on why those sportsbooks have so much dough to blow on advertising during every single dadgummed sporting event on TV. (On a side note, one thing I appreciated about watching the Winter Olympics is that it was blessedly free of the constant bombardment of online sportsbook ads. I guess I owe some thanks to the International Olympic Committee for that, because you know that NBC would’ve taken that dough.)
You’d think that a game with Petar Musa and Logan Farrington on one side and Sam Surridge, Hany Muktar, and Christian Espinoza on the other would feature lots of scoring, or at least lots of chances. Nope. A grand total of three shots on goal for both teams. First, Surridge was out due to illness, but beyond that, both teams apparently went into the game with the notion to choke off anything that came into the final third, and both teams were successful in that regard.
Mind you, until BJ Callaghan subbed off Mukhtar and Espinoza in the 87th minute, both teams were going for it. Neither appeared willing to settle for the point, but neither was able to actually put the ball in the net or even on net. Osaze Urhoghide was a deserved Man of the Match for the way he was able to stymie a recent league MVP in Mukhtar.
You kind of wonder what sort of epic battle it would’ve been with Surridge if he had been healthy. It would’ve been a classic matchup between a big center back and a big center forward. I’ll leave it to Big E to describe that matchup:
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Portland Timbers vs. Vancouver Whitecaps (Apple TV, 9:30)
It kind of gets overlooked that the Cascadia Cup has three teams. Everyone focuses on Portland, and Seattle, and Vancouver gets forgotten.
But in fairness, there’s a reason why everyone focuses mostly on Portland and Seattle. They’ve won MLS Cup; Vancouver hasn’t. They’ve got stable stadium situations; Vancouver was buffaloed into sharing BC Place with the BC Lions. They’ve got great atmosphere from full or mostly full stadiums; Vancouver has decent crowds, but in a stadium that is entirely too large.
So the Whitecaps are currently for sale, and Portland and Seattle… aren’t.
At least on the field, things have changed a bit. While Portland has usually fallen into the Clark and Dan Hunt Zone of making the playoffs, but not really all that high, Vancouver has steadily been improving themselves, bringing along young talent, which culminated in an MLS Cup Final appearance last season.
While Portland decided to replace Giovanni Savarese with the slightly competent Phil Neville, Vancouver replaced Hatewatching Guide favorite Vanni Sartini, who guided much of their ascent, with the less memeable but very competent Jesper Sørensen, who has led them to the CONCACAF Champions Cup final, yet another Canadian Championship, and the MLS Cup Final in one season.
Finally, while Portland had to sell Evander to, well, anyone because he absolutely wanted out of Portland, no matter what, and Santi Moreno because he likewise wanted out, Vancouver was able to bring in one of the greatest German players of the last 20 years, Thomas Müller, who has integrated himself well into the team, talks glowingly about the club and city to anyone who’ll listen, and helped the club make the jump to being a real MLS Cup contender.
On a personal note, I love this. Portland has always annoyed me as a club. From the “Soccer City” horseshit to Timber Joey to actually giving Caleb Porter his first MLS gig, they annoy me. They as a club have been mostly mediocre throughout their history, but damn if they’re not gonna make you hear about it. They’re almost as bad as vegans or CrossFitters. Imagine if they had the success of, say, Columbus.
Meanwhile, Vancouver just tries to be a good soccer club. They develop young players, they make smart signings, they play attractive soccer, and they get good crowds. Unfortunately, the provincial government tries to screw them as hard as possible, so they might end up as the Memphis Whitecaps. And frankly, having heard “move Dallas” more times in the last 30 years than I care to count, I feel for their fans.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver
Little Brother Game of the Week
Charlotte FC vs. Austin FC (Apple TV, 6:30)
This is the Little Brother Game of the Week by default, since Little Brother Orange’s game in Foxborough against the Revs was postponed due to the field not being ready for the home opener.
Once upon a time, Gillette Stadium actually had a grass field for the first few years it was open. But allegedly, the shape of the stadium prevented natural sunlight from hitting all parts of the field, and Bill Belichick had the Patriots practicing on the field as well, so the grass was torn out in 2006 and replaced with a plastic field. (By the way, I wonder what happened to Belichick. I hope that he’s having a nice retirement in Florida somewhere.)
So they’re putting grass back in for the World Cup. It would be nice if they could bring it back full-time, but that might be a bridge too far for the Patriots.
By the way, if you’ve noticed that I’ve been spending most of my time and space talking about the field at Gillette Stadium and not the game at Bank of America Stadium between CLT FC and Little Brother Green, well, there’s a reason for that. And that reason is that you, loyal FC Dallas fan, had to watch the game against Nashville last week. I don’t want to suggest that you watch another game that will make your eyeballs bleed.
On the one side, you’ve got CLT FC, who have scored a single goal in two games. Worse still, that’s still outperforming their xG, which is 0.93, according to Major League Soccer Soccer dot com. They’re near the bottom of the league in shots on target and shooting percentage. If you head over to FotMob, they’re near the bottom of almost every attacking category. Thankfully for them, CF Montréal still exists. (And, uh, don’t look at where FCD ranks in a lot of them.)
On the other side, you’ve got Nico Estévez, a coach with a well-established reputation for soccer terrorism.
I’m not in the business of predicting scores, largely because that ain’t my bag, but this doesn’t seem like it will be a great advertisement for the Beautiful Game.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Charlotte, probably 4-3 because I’ve just gotten done telling you how offensively incompetent they are and how much this game is gonna stink.
Sickos Game of the Week
Sporting Kansas City vs. San Diego FC (Apple TV, 7:30)
If San Diego was planning on following the St. Louis path of a great inaugural season, followed by lousiness, they haven’t been showing it so far. They seem hell-bent on beating the hell out of their opponents in both MLS and CCC play. They have only lost one single game in the calendar year 2026, a 1-0 loss to Pumas at Estadio Universario in CCC play… in the second leg of the first round, when they already had a 4-1 aggregate lead after the first leg at Snapdragon Stadium.
But that game in CDMX is also the only game that they’ve played away from Snapdragon Stadium this year. Both league games have also been at Snapdragon, and they’ll be heading out on the road this week for the first time. Fortunately, they’re heading to Kansas City, not LAFC or Vancouver or Miami.
Now, do I think that the Sporks are as bad as they’ve been the past couple of years when the Peter Vermes era was in its death rattle? No, but being better than “finishing 13th out of 14 in 2024 and 15th out of 15 in 2025” ain’t the toughest bar to clear.
However, they seem determined to not clear it. As of roster compliance day on February 26, they had a grand total of 14 players on their senior roster. FCD, for comparison’s sake, has 21. They are on the “2 designated players and 4 U-22 initiative players” roster model, but don’t have a single U-22 initiative player. Not one. FCD has five U-22 initiative players, but that includes Enes Sali, who is currently getting lots of playing time in Saudi Arabia and is largely out of sight, out of mind, at least until his loan is up on June 30.
Not so shockingly, they’ve got of GarberBucks to spend on players. I, too, have a lot of money to spend when I don’t spend it on trivial things like food or shelter. But just like the money in my checking account doesn’t feed me or house me until I actually spend it on food or shelter, the Sporks’ pile of GarberBucks doesn’t actually help them win games, which is why they are currently sitting at a single point after two games. I’m a little surprised that they have that many, but it came at home last week against Columbus, who themselves have a single point and might be worth keeping an eye on for this slot in future columns.
Basically, what I’m saying is that San Diego ain’t exactly starting with the Final Boss for their first league road game of the season.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: San Diego.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Los Angeles FC vs. FC Dallas (Apple TV, 9:30)
You know who IS starting with the Final Boss for their first league road game of the season? Our Heroes. Yeah, they get to play at LAFC once a year, so might as well do it early this season when they still have Petar Musa around and when they aren’t on their midseason slog of nine road games in a row during the World Cup and The Great Completion of the East Side and Seat Flipping.
And as it so happens, it’ll also be LAFC’s first league game in their actual home stadium. Their home opener was next door at the LA Memorial Coliseum, when they beat your defending MLS Cup champions, Inter Miami, 3-0, and made Lionel Messi so hoppin’ mad that he tried to fight the referees in their locker room after the game, although the league was quick to tell us that nothing happened while not fining or suspending him.
Then they hit the road and did God’s Work by beating Little Brother Orange 2-0 in Houston, with the first goal coming after the Little Brother’s first red card of the night and the second coming after the Little Brother’s second red card. Wow, taking advantage of opponents’ red cards? That’s something that someone should tell FCD about.
So anyway, what I said about San Diego being hell-bent on beating the hell out of their opponents in MLS and CCC plays? Yeah, that goes for LAFC too, especially since they won their first-round series against Real España 7-1 aggregate on the strength of a 6-1 win in San Pedro Sula.
This is FCD’s opponent on MLS After Dark on Saturday night. So do I think that it’s gonna go any differently tactically than last week? Why are you asking me? This is the Mean Remarks About Opposing Teams section of 3rd Degree. The Sound Technical Analysis section is down the hall.
But if you’re asking if FCD is gonna try to leave less space than a Tokyo apartment for the likes of Son Heung-Min, and Denis Bouanga, and the rest of LAFC? Well, yes. Do I think that Petar Musa and Logan Farrington are gonna spend a lot of time in their own half of the field? Yes.
Win, lose, or draw, this is probably not going to be an aesthetically pleasing game for those of us wearing our FC Dudes t-shirts while cheering out motley band of dudes. But I believe in this team’s fighting spirit, even if it involves choking almost everything out of a game that makes it worth watching. As the great Mark Twain once wrote,
It is not the size of the dude in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dude.
…or something like that. Fight and squeeze the life out of the game and come home with a point or three.