I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
At least no one got hurt.
“You’re Gonna Need a Really Long Shower to Wash Off the Ick” Game of the Week
San Jose Earthquakes vs. Austin FC (MLS Season Pass, 8:00)
Look, I don’t really want to talk about it. We all know what the deal is.
It’s bad enough that our little brothers down I-35 already punched their playoff tickets a couple weeks ago. It’s bad enough that our little brothers down I-35 have managed to clinch finishing above the play-in games. It’s bad enough that our little brothers down I-35 hosted a cup final this season. It’s bad enough that they did all this with a coach whom FCD rightly fired a year ago. It’s bad enough that they did all this while said coach had them playing some of the grossest soccer that we’ve seen since, um, last year.
But I know I gotta root for those clowns to do something in San Jose? Cripes. At least Nico’s favorite result, 1-1, will get the job done.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: For San Jose to not win. That’s all.
“You Don’t Have to Be Korean to Root for LAFC” Game of the Week
Colorado Rapids vs. Los Angeles FC (MLS Season Pass, 8:00)
Back in 2002, I went to the World Cup in South Korea. It was a blast. My ex-wife and I spent two weeks there, went to the USA’s first round games in Suwon, Daegu, and Daejeon, and the Costa Rica-Turkey game in Incheon. But that second USA game in Daegu was against South Korea was truly a memorable experience.
Daegu had the largest of South Korea’s 10 host stadiums, and it was filled to the brim with 65,000 red-clad Koreans… and a couple thousand Americans in one corner of the stadium. For 90 minutes, those Korean fans sang and chanted in unison, and to this day, I can still hear “DAAAAAAE HAN MIN GUK!” ringing in my ears.
Anyway, the Korean fans were cool, I had a great time, and because of that, I’ve had a soft spot for the South Korean national team, and since he played for my beloved Tottenham Hotspur, I’ve had a soft spot for everyone’s favorite Korean footballer, Son Heung-min.
So why this story time about my warmth towards South Korea, its national team, and its biggest soccer star? Because I’d rather talk about that than the Colorado Friggin’ Rapids, who don’t deserve nice things under most circumstances and especially not this weekend.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LAFC
Potentially Comical Game of the Week
St. Louis City vs. Real Salt Lake (MLS Season Pass, 8:00)
Most weeks, there is not a chance in the world that I’d be talking about this game. 9th in the West against 13th in the West? Ha. It wouldn’t even merit the Sickos Game of the Week. It would be part of the forgotten part of the schedule that CLT FC normally occupies.
But not this week, baby.
First of all, because it actually affects FCD’s playoff fate. Second of all, because it has the potential to be the funniest result.
You see, while FCD and Colorado are playing teams at the top of the West who have a good shot to be playing in the MLS Cup final, and San Jose are at least playing a team that’s somehow in the playoffs, RSL is playing St. Louis, who have been in the bottom three or four in the Western Conference all season long and who fired their coach so long ago that their current interim coach is now #2 in their list of games coached. (#1 is Bradley Carnell, who St. Louis City was right to fire, since he was obviously clueless and would never, ever get a high-level coaching job ever again.)
(By the way, I had to look up the name of that interim coach, David Critchley, mostly for the same reason why I couldn’t possibly tell you who any of Kardashian sisters are currently dating: It kind of doesn’t matter, and it’s likely to change pretty soon anyway.)
Anyway, this game has the potential to be the funniest result because RSL, who are currently in a playoff place, could fall out of the playoffs by losing to this dumpster fire of a team. And here at the Hatewatching Guide, I always root for comedy.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: St. Louis
Sickos Game of the Week
Atlanta United vs. DC United (MLS Season Pass, 5:00)
Last week’s FCD-Galaxy game was notable not just for the way that FCD lost, but also for the following fact:
With their win over FCD, LA Galaxy no longer have the fewest points in the league. Not only that, they are officially eliminated from contention for the Anthony Precourt Memorial Wooden Spoon. Only Atlanta and DC United remain, and since fortune has smiled upon us, they’re playing one another on Decision Day.
If Atlanta United wins or draws, DC wins the Spoon. If DC United wins, Atlanta wins the Spoon.
This is the game you should be watching in the early slot of Decision Day. All the other ones are, at most, about playoff positioning. All the Eastern Conference playoff teams were settled a couple of weeks ago. Philly won the Supporters Shield a couple of weeks ago. Meanwhile, this one has real live silverware — err, a wooden kitchen implement — riding on it. Why would you watch anything else?
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: DC United, because I want to see history made. Last season, Atlanta spent more money than anyone else in MLS history, and I want to see that rewarded with their first-ever Wooden Spoon.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Vancouver Whitecaps vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 8:00)
I don’t even know what to write about this game. All I know is that no one associated with FC Dallas — fans, players, coaches, management, owners — wanted FCD to need to get anything out of this game. And yeah, historically, a trip to the stadium now known as Dignity Health Sports Park has usually been a painful one for FCD, but getting a win there still was a better bet than getting one at BC Place on Decision Day.
But now they have to get a win out of this game or get some help. And since they’ll be without Logan Farrington, Petar Musa, and Ramiro, the “get some help” plan is looking more and more promising.
On the other hand, it frees us from the burden of any expectations. We don’t know how Eric Quill will line them up. We don’t know how the other games are going to turn out. We don’t know if FCD will roll into the playoffs on the strength of an improbable big win in Vancouver, if they back in thanks to some other results, or if they have their hearts broken on a last-second goal in San Jose, Commerce City, or St. Louis.
I mean, sure, that’s how sports are anyway, but even more so tomorrow.
The only thing I’m expecting is for our old friend, whom I call “some bullshit,” to make an appearance. But Lucho Acosta won’t