I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Look, there’ll be people who’ll see a silver lining and focus on the cloud behind it. They’ll see last week’s 1-0 win and say, “Yeah, but…” Yeah, but FCD was playing a man up most of the match. Yeah, but RSL were having the better of the play and creating more opportunities in the last 15 minutes. Yeah, but RSL was missing Diego Luna, who was busy fighting for the USA shirt while most of his international teammates were cadillacking against Panama and Canada. All of which makes me shrug my shoulders.
Take it away, Herm Edwards:
As an aside, while looking (not very hard) to find that clip, I saw this:
Step aside, Vince Lombardi. Go get a coffee, Chuck Noll.
Anyway, FCD was playing at altitude in a stadium that has not been kind to them, without Maarten Paes, who was halfway around the world with the Indonesian National Team, and without Anderson Julio, who was in Ecuador, waiting on the US State Department to get the lead out and issue his green card already. And yes, they got a nice break with the red, but you know and I know that they’re gonna be on the business end of a harsh red later this season. So take the W and smile.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
San Diego FC vs. Los Angeles FC (Apple TV+ free game, 9:30)
The super-neat thing about MLS having four teams in California now is that there’s a kinda-sorta rivalry game between a couple of them every other week or so. This is one of those weeks. I wonder if they’ll give this rivalry game a name, like the California Nouveau Riche Cup or the We Think Jokes About Carson Are Still Fresh Cup.
And while I would normally not care too much about a game between two teams who came into the league in the last decade, these two teams are actually pretty good so far and find themselves near the top of the West. I understand that being on top of the league at this point makes you a contender for the much-coveted Champions of April trophy, but it also gives you a little cushion in case things fall apart later in the season.
So well done, San Diego. You’re already doing better than Cincy did a few years ago. Let’s see if you can match St. Louis’ finishing on top of the West a couple of years ago, only to get bounced in your first playoff series by an inferior in-state rival. San Jose, come on down!
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, and don’t tell me that SKC and St. Louis City aren’t actually in-state rivals. Close enough.
Little Brother Game of the Week
St. Louis City vs. Austin FC (Fox and Apple TV+ free game, 1:45)
When Nico Estévez saw that his old team won 1-0 last week after playing most of the game a man up, I’m sure he smiled. Meanwhile, the team that was foolish reckless cheap visionary enough to hire him got loose and scored two goals in their home win over San Diego. It’s like Freaky Friday, but with Texas MLS teams. (And I just used the word “freaky” in close proximity to Nico Estévez. You’re welcome, dear reader.)
“You crack a lot of jokes about Little Brother Green’s lack of adventure in the attacking end, Dustin.”
Look, when it takes you until Matchday 5 to actually have a game finish with a result that’s not 1-0, you’re gonna get jokes. When you spend $30 million on attacking players and pair them with a manager who strongly believes in giving lots of work to the cameraman stationed at the midfield stripe, you’re gonna get jokes.
But credit where credit is due: At least he hasn’t made João Klauss mad enough to want to throw down with him… as far as I know… yet.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, preferably 0-0.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Inter Miami vs. Philadelphia Union (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
(2025 Lionel Messi content counter: 3)
Speaking of Bradley Carnell, his new team beat his old team last week, right before Klauss wanted to work through some unresolved issues with him, and now, he’s now sitting on top of the East.
Of course, that was largely due to the fact that Inter Miami, who had been on top of the East, was idle because they decided that this international break would be one that they would take off in exchange for a midweek game later this season.
Of course, the fact that their moneymaker would likely be playing for Argentina in a couple of terribly important World Cup Qualifiers was merely coincidental. As it turns out, that moneymaker didn’t play for Argentina in either match and wasn’t even called up, but they got a 1-0 win at Uruguay and 4-1 win at home against Brazil, and are now qualified for next year’s World Cup.
And as chance would have it, they have an opportunity to rectify their position in the Eastern Conference standings at home against the Union. And Messi will be back in the lineup! Occasional 3rd Degree the Podcast guest and analytics guru Arman Kafai has named this game his Game of the Week. I obviously disagree, but Arman writes stuff that makes you sound smarter when talking with your friends and coworkers, while I’m posting Anchorman gifs. (Seriously, add Arman’s stuff to your reading list. Fewer dumb jokes, but more smart analysis.)
Anyway, this should be one of the better games of the still-young season, so of course, it’s only gonna be for us beautiful people who subscribe to MLS Season Pass. Those of you who have Apple TV+ but not MLS Season Pass, you’re out of luck. Those of you who think that streaming TV is the devil’s work — and lemme just say that you might not be completely wrong there — you’re out of luck.
In fact, Inter Miami will only be on FS1 twice this season. You know who else will only be on FS1 twice this season? Our own FC Dallas. Meanwhile, Seattle will be on six times, the Galaxy six times, Portland five times, LAFC five times, and for some unknown reason, Little Brother Green four times.
One might think that MLS did this with their most marketable player on purpose.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philly. One can argue that Miami has already got plenty of rewards for having last weekend be an international break they get off, having Messi not play for Argentina, and having Argentina qualify, so Argentina will have nothing but low-stress games until next summer.
Sickos Game of the Week
Toronto FC vs. Vancouver Whitecaps FC (MLS Season Pass, 1:30)
Also hidden behind the MLS Season Pass paywall — and rightfully so — is this stinker of a game. Shockingly, it’s not part of TSN’s coverage north of the border, even though it’s between two Canadian clubs, the two most successful Canadian clubs in MLS, in fact. (They will, however, have the other contender for Sickos Game of the Week, Chicago vs. Montréal.)
Vancouver finally went down last weekend, when the Fire rolled into BC Place and took their lunch money to the tune of 3-1. Still, they remain on top of the West, and so far, this appears to be the rare instance where a club will fire a fairly successful coach and actually improve with his successor. But I do miss Vanni Sartini. Jesper Sørensen really needs to work on being more quotable. Being merely competent doesn’t help me as a writer of mean jokes.
What DOES help me is being incompetent, or at least not being a coach who can mold a team into something greater than the sum of its parts. And that brings me to the new TFC coach, Robin Fraser. I’ll be honest, every time there’s been a coaching vacancy in MLS and Fraser’s been out of work, he’ll be the favorite candidate for lots of members of the MLS punditocracy.
And the question is, “Why?
He was the head coach for Chivas USA in 2011 and 2012. They qualified for the playoffs neither year. In 2011, they were next to the bottom of the Western Conference. In 2012, they were dead last. Granted, by that point, Chivas USA were a dead team walking and managed to shamble on for only two more seasons after firing him after the 2012 season, but when you go 14 matches without a win, as Chivas did in 2012, that’s not exactly a feather in your cap.
After six seasons as an assistant, Fraser got the gig in Colorado and was there almost five seasons:
- 2019: 9th in the West, no playoffs
- 2020: 5th in the West, bounced in their first game of the playoffs
- 2021: 1st in the West, bounced in their first game of the playoffs
- 2022: 10th in the West, no playoffs
- 2023: Fired on September 5 with 3 wins, 13 losses, and 10 draws. Bottom of the West and the league, obviously.
And now he’s back. Look, I’m not saying that he’s a bad coach. I’m just saying that he ain’t your guy to turn goat piss into gasoline, in the immortal words of Donald “Duck” Dunn. And right now, Toronto FC is full of goat piss.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Toronto.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Sporting Kansas City (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
The German language is notorious for taking a bunch of short words and smooshing them into a bigger word with some meaning that resembles the sum of the words together. So when you see a word that’s big as all outdoors, it’s usually such a word, and if you are familiar with the language enough to know what each one of the words means that make up the word, you can figure out what the compound word means.
For example, there’s the word “staubsaugen.” It’s made up of the words “Staub,” which means “dust,” and “saugen,” which means “to suck.” Put ’em together and it’s pretty obvious that means “to vacuum.” Another, which I just taught my wife today, is “Backpfeifengesicht.” The word “Backpfeife” means a “slap in the face.” The word “Gesicht” means “face.” Put ’em together and you’ve got a word which means “a punchable face.“
In a story possibly related to the word “Backpfeifengesicht,” Sporting Kansas City and its manager Peter Vermes are coming to Frisco on Saturday night, and this is a game that FCD really needs to win. Not just because we FCD fans want them to win every game. Not just because it’s SKC. But because of the following factoid:
Sporting Kansas City has not won an MLS game since September 18, 2024, 191 days ago by the time they kick off on Saturday night.
This is a bad team that’s coming to town. And frankly, that delights me. Not just because I’ve disliked that team since 1996, but also because it couldn’t happen to the Backpfeifengesicht that’s gonna be on the touchline. I would normally tip my cap in admiration to someone who has managed to hold onto a coaching gig in Major League Soccer since August 2009, but in the case of Vermes, it almost seems like a chronic ailment rather than a coaching career to be admired.
I’m not saying that I want the guy fired, because I don’t wish that upon very many people in this world. I will say, however, that I would like to see the pain and suffering that has been inflicted on him, Sporting Kansas City management, and the fans of Sporting Kansas City continue unabated. In fact, I will go so far as to say that if Vermes were hospitalized today due to a terrible rash on his butt, I would be a little bit sad — but only a little bit — if only because it would mean that he would not be on the touchline as FCD inflicts another loss on his club.
But yes, it will be nice to get the first home win of the season against a club that gave FCD its last home win of 2024, a club that sucks more than your friendly household Staubsauger.