I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
All those nice things that I said last week about the team GOING FOR IT? Trash them. OK, not really, but I was suddenly having intrusive Nico Estévez thoughts when FCD had a 1-0 lead going into the 80th minute when they were still on the attack and leaving a bit of unwanted space for Chicago. And then shortly thereafter, Chicago scored… and again… and then, for good measure, scored again on a penalty in stoppage time.
It would’ve been nice if FCD has cashed in more than once on all that attacking — and maybe if Petar Musa had scored his penalty deep in stoppage time — but they didn’t, so they got the best of both worlds: only one goal scored and acres of space that their defenders, who have been IDed for three years as A Problem, had to cover.
Eric Quill took the heat after the game for his tactical decisions and his substitution patterns in the second half, but c’mon, Coach. You guys gave up three in Colorado the week before. Were you a dumb-dumb in that game too or did we get to forget about those three goals because y’all got three — and maybe a fourth too — on the road in a place that had been very difficult?
The bottom line is that this team as it is currently is gonna concede a few goals, so just do what you can to bag a few at the other ends.
And don’t let Petar Musa take any more penalties. The guy wasn’t exactly Mr. Automatic last year either.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
San Diego FC vs. Columbus Crew (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
As I said in a previous column, this early in the season, teams haven’t really established themselves, so picking games for this column this early is based on prior seasons’ performance, the little bit of this season’s performance, and vibes.
Thus we have this game in this slot. Columbus won MLS Cup two seasons ago, they were pretty good last season, and they’ve got seven points in three game so far this season. San Diego is an expansion team, so no prior seasons’ performance, but they likewise have seven points in three games this season, plus they’re an expansion team in America’s Finest City, so they’ve got VIIIIIIIIIIIIBES.
Well, right up to the part where they’re yelling homophobic slurs:
They also don’t have Chucky Lozano because of woke a hamstring injury.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Columbus, because it’s funny when road teams roll in and send other teams‘ fans home unhappy.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Los Angeles FC vs. Austin FC (Fox and Apple TV+ free game, 2:45)
For some unknown reason, MLS chose to expose a larger audience to this game by putting in on Fox. The LAFC part of it is perfectly understandable: second biggest market in the country, really good team, an impossible handsome striker who answers the question “What if Franco Jara was really good looking and French and had half a million’s worth of jewelry in his house that got burgled?”
The part I can’t figure out is the Austin part of it. Austin is a pissant cowtown. It’s the 49th largest media market. There are infomercials on New York or LA or Chicago stations that get more eyeballs than the highest-rated programs on Austin stations. And Little Brother Green is a garbage team. They’ve been in the league for four seasons and qualified for the playoffs once.
And that’s before you get to this guy:
FCD wasn’t the only Texas team last week to let someone come into their house, raid their fridge, and make themselves at home. The Rapids rolled in, and walked out with a 1-0 win. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s a 1-0 win, a 1-0 loss, and another 1-0 loss so far this season, 1 GF, 2 GA, and -1 GD. And to get that one goal in three games, all they had to do was spend $30 million this past offseason.
Coincidentally, FCD also has a -1 GD, thanks 6 GF and 7 GA. And all they had to get those six goals is spend $5 million on Lucho Acosta, trade for Anderson Julio, bring up Pedrinho from NTXSC, trade a forward who really wanted to be a right back, and hire a coach who apparently doesn’t care too much about how many passes it takes to get the ball in the opposing net.
I gotta tell you, I’m currently enjoying Nicoball way more this season than I did the entire 2023 and 2024 seasons.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LAFC, preferably in a 1-0 win. And if somebody upstairs really likes me, it’ll be on own goal before the 15th minute off of an Olivier Giroud shot that was going wide.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Charlotte FC vs. FC Cincinnati (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
Fun fact which I covered in this column a couple years ago: Both Charlotte and Cincinnati refer to themselves as “the Queen City.” Charlotte was named for Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz, who was Queen Consort of England in the late 1700s and the wife of King George III — yes, THAT King George. Meanwhile, Cincinnati was nicknamed “the Queen City” in the 19th century by local civic boosters, and I can’t think of anything more American than giving oneself a nickname as a sort of advertisement.
But trivia aside, this game meet the Hatewatching Guide’s standards for including a game early in the season:
✅ Prior seasons’ performance (Cincy won the Supporters Shield two years ago and was near the top of the East last season. Charlotte finished 5th in the East last year and made the playoffs.)
✅ Current season’s performance (Cincy is 4th in the East and Charlotte is 6th currently)
✅ Vibes (This game in Charlotte and gives us the possibility of the unhinged CLTFC Man of the Match ceremony)
Besides, let’s look at the other Eastern Conference games this week:
- Red Bulls vs. Orlando
- Toronto vs. Chicago
- DC United vs. Montréal
- NYCFC vs. New England
- Philly vs. Nashville
- Atlanta vs. Miami
A couple of those are Sickos-grade, and the rest are “meh.” So enjoy the Queen City Derby (or whatever you want to call it).
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Charlotte
Sickos Game of the Week
Portland Timbers vs. LA Galaxy (Fox and Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 3:45)
To be frank, it’s a rare occasion that I get to put these two teams in this slot, but I’ve been presented with the opportunity to do so, and I’m taking it. These two teams have played six league games between them and won one (Portland’s 1-0 home win over Little Brother Green in the second game) and lost five. They’ve scored a grand total of three goals in those six games.
So how did we get here? Well, first off, Portland hasn’t been all that great. They finished 9th in the West last year, 10th the year before, and 8th the year before that. While that might be the platonic ideal for how Dan Hunt would allegedly like for FCD to finish — sneak in the playoffs and then hope for some ✨magic✨ — it doesn’t really leave you with a lot of room before people talk about how you’re kind of crap. And then to top that, they decided to piss off their best player and sell him to FC Cincinnati, making it one of the rare occurrences that someone’s life has improved by going from Portland to Cincinnati.
The Galaxy are a far more interesting case. Didn’t they win MLS Cup last year? Yes, they did. But right before they did, my favorite non-FCD player, Riqui Puig, suffered an ACL injury and is out for most of the season. Then they sold and dumped a bunch of players. And they’re in the CONCACAF Champions Cup, which is always deleterious to a team’s early-season performance. And now they’re dead last in the West.
However, the Galaxy fans I know generally have an attitude of “Don’t care, won MLS Cup,” which is frankly an attitude I can appreciate.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LA.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Vancouver Whitecaps (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
A team with the following 2025 results is FCD’s guest on Saturday night at Toyota Stadium:
| February 20 | CCC | at Saprissa | 2-1 loss |
| February 23 | MLS | at Portland | 4-1 win |
| February 27 | CCC | Saprissa | 2-0 win |
| March 2 | MLS | LA Galaxy | 2-1 win |
| March 5 | CCC | Monterrey | 1-1 draw |
| March 8 | MLS | Montréal | 2-0 win |
| March 12 | CCC | at Monterrey | 2-2 draw |
For those of you who are keeping track, that 4 wins, 2 draws, and 1 loss. The draws were enough to get them to the CCC quarterfinals on away goals and the one loss was also in Costa Rica in CCC, but was overturned by a home win the following week.
They are currently perfect against MLS competition, which only Philly can also say. So yeah, they’re pretty good. Maybe Jesper Sørensen knows what he’s doing.
If there were ever a test of team spirit and resilience after the collapse against Chicago, it’s this. Fortunately for FCD, they’ll be at home. And Vancouver just played on Wednesday night in Monterrey. And they’ll be without Ryan Gauld, who hurt his knee last weekend against Montréal.
What I’m saying here is that FCD has a tremendous opportunity to score a win at home against that’ll be good for not only three point in the table but also team vibes. They can put the Chicago game behind them and get back on the good foot. They just have to take that opportunity.