I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
As usual, let’s start with a GIF:
Honestly, we’ve witnessed some crap soccer over the last few years. I’m not gonna catastrophize a 1-1 home draw against St. Louis. But it wasn’t good. Michael Collodi was man of the match, and it was the right choice, but it’s not as if he was doing his best “Mark Dodd in the ‘97 Open Cup final” impression out there. He was good, he was confident, he was the goalie that made Maarten Paes expendable, but being good helped him rise above his teammates, who weren’t bad, but also weren’t good.
It wasn’t a trap game, which is a term that feels more like a Supporters Shield contender catching an ass-whipping from a Wooden Spoon contender out of nowhere, but it was a bit of a comedown after the ass-whipping they handed out in DC the week before. We’re starting to get bigger expectations again, and as the saying goes, expectations are pre-baked disappointments.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Los Angeles FC vs. San Jose Earthquakes (Apple TV, Sunday at 6:00)
This was the obvious choice for this slot. Yes, I could’ve gone for Colorado-Inter Miami, which the Rapids moved to Empower Field, a.k.a. the Broncos’ home stadium, and where they’re expecting to get 70,000 for the game. But unlike MLS, I don’t get all excited for big gates, especially from the Rapids, who used to get those size crowds on July 4 for fireworks back when they played their home games there.
But in fairness to MLS, they do have this game for their SUNDAY ⚡ NIGHT ⚡ SOCCER ⚡⚡⚡ game, so they at least figured before the season that it was probably gonna be a heater. And why not? Last season, the Quakes didn’t make the playoffs, but they scored a bunch of goals, and if they hadn’t let in even more, they not only would’ve been in the playoffs, they might’ve been in the top four.
Fortunately for them, they’ve got a guy in charge who’s built some good teams over the years, so you’d figure that he’d get that part of the situation figured out. And they have. Through seven games, they’ve given up two goals, their scoring pace has remained almost as high, and they’re tied for first in the West.
Meanwhile, LAFC continues to be who we thought they were: One of MLS’ best teams, scoring a bunch of goals, not giving up very many, sitting at or near the top of the Western Conference, and advancing deep in the CONCACAF Champions Cup. Their problems are better categorized as ✌problems✌.
Case in point: They have a new head coach this season, Marc dos Santos, who was previously seen losing almost twice as many games as he won as head coach of the Whitecaps. But let’s talk about the former head coach, Steve Cherundolo, who left because his wife is from Germany and they wanted to raise their kids close to her family. Nothing sinister there. Leaving one place to be close to family in another place happens all the time.
But while he was still in LA, he was a problem… err, ✌problem✌ for many LAFC fans. You see, despite leading LAFC to the Supporters Shield and MLS Cup in 2022 and the US Open Cup in 2024, and leading LAFC to the CONCACAF Champions Cup final in 2023 and quarterfinal in 2025, those fans complained loudly about the style of play and about the finals that LAFC were in, but DIDN’T win. Like I said, ✌problems✌.
Or their current ✌problem✌ that they’re having: Son Heung-Min is a bit of a slump. He’s only scored twice in 12 competitive matches in 2026. Mind you, this is a team that is putting up more than two goals a game so far in 2026 and has advanced to the CCC semifinals by beating Cruz Azul by a 4-1 aggregate score. Once again, ✌problems✌.
The biggest actual problem that they’ve had in 2026 is that they went up to Portland last weekend with a rotated lineup and lost to the Timbers. Yes, losses are problems. But if LAFC beats San Jose 5-1 with a Son hat trick, I’m sure the LAFC fanbase will find another ✌problem✌, like the beer selection at BMO Stadium.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Toronto FC vs. Austin FC (Apple TV, noon)
For the first time in their history, FC Dallas is not competing in the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup. Frankly, I miss it. Most every year, you get to see a reminder that FCD is part of a bigger, broader ecosystem of American soccer when they’d take on some USL Championship or USL League One team, or a team from the rest of the alphabet soup of lower division American soccer leagues.
And hello, the dadgummed competition is named for the father of our team’s owners. You’d think that they’d figure out a way to sweet-talk the league and US Soccer into having FCD in the competition. But instead, FCD is gonna be in the goofy-ass Leagues Cup in a season where it makes the least sense to be in Leagues Cup because it’s gonna be in the time when FCD is gonna be on their long road trip due to the Toyota Stadium construction, and nobody knows where they’ll play home games in Leagues Cup. Might as well play in the Open Cup instead, since you’re not gonna be getting a big gate for a home game against Chivas anyway.
So we, as FCD fans, have to content ourselves with watching the little brothers fall on their faces. And while the Orange got themselves a nice tidy 4-1 win over El Paso Locomotive in front of dozens of people at Shell Energy Stadium, Little Brother Green really came through for us, losing 2-1 to Louisville City at Lynn Family Stadium in Louisville, KY.
Now, it was a road game against one of the better teams in the USL Championship, but this is still something that FCD managed not to do under Nico Estévez. With him in charge, FCD would take care of business against USL opposition (FC Tulsa in 2022 and AV Alta and Memphis 901 and the Tampa Bay Rowdies in 2024) and lose a road game to Sporting Kansas City. So he’s breaking new ground in Austin, both with making the final last season and going out to a USL Championship side this season. You love to see that sort of growth.
And they might’ve had some sort of additional excuse if they had rotated their lineup, but they didn’t, save for Brad Stuver. Again, credit to Nico Estévez for that. Lesser managers might’ve looked at the weekend’s game against the mighty Toronto FC, decided to prioritize it, and run Austin FC 2 out there in Louisville, but not Nico.
Sadly, Little Brother Green’s fans are not taking it well:
If only there were people around who could have told them about Nico Estévez.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Tronno, who may not be too bad this year?
Sickos Game of the Week
Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Sporting Kansas City (Apple TV, Friday at 9:30)
You know, whenever I see an unusual date or time or venue for a game, my Spidey Sense tingles and I immediately go on the hunt for the reason why. Usually, it’s for an amusing reason, like a concert or a swap meet, or because the home team is NYCFC. Unfortunately, my Google-fu has let me down, and I’ve been able to find nothing amusing about this game.
In fact, I haven’t been able to find anything to tell me why Vancouver’s at home on Friday night in April. The CFL season isn’t for another few months, so you can’t blame the BC Lions. They’re having a concert next Thursday night, but that doesn’t seem like The Reason.
Oh well, no matter. Speaking of teams who debased themselves midweek in the US Open Cup, we have Sporting Kansas City, who are rounding into “they who we thought they were” territory. Frankly, it took a little longer to definitively show itself than we thought, and so we jibba-jabba’d in this slot about the Union and Orlando City and Montreal, but really, how have we not talked more about Sporting Kansas City?
✅ Thin roster on Opening Day
✅ Two designated players and zero U-22 Initiative players
✅ Raphael Wicky as head coach
So now they’re sitting bottom of the West with four points after seven games, drummed out of the Open Cup 3-0 by Colorado Springs midweek, and no one should be surprised. Philly? A bit surprising. Orlando? A bit surprising. Atlanta? A bit surprising, insofar as they were trying to recreate the magic. But SKC? Nah. If someone wants to say that Peter Vermes left the cupboard empty for Wicky, sure, but Vermes left the cupboard empty for Vermes, too, which is the reason why he is no longer the master of all he surveys in Kansas City, Kansas.
MLS’ Friday night special is gonna be a “they were who we thought they were” special. Vancouver is gonna do Vancouver things, with Thomas Müller, Ryan White, and the rest of their teammates being their usual hypercompetent selves and dispatching SKC with ease. This would almost feel like a trap game, but I’m not sure that SKC has it in them.
And I don’t mind that at all. They deserve nothing less in America’s Soccer Capital™.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. LA Galaxy (Apple TV, 7:30)
A couple of years ago, I saw a couple of old-school American soccer writers talking on Twitter about how MLS was better when DC United was good. First of all, ew. Second of all, that was 20 years ago, my dudes. This gets precariously close to the trope about how everybody says that the best music was made when they were coming of age.
But I will say this: MLS is more fun when the LA Galaxy stinks.
They’re the single most successful team in the history of the league with six championships. They’ve also won a handful of Supporters Shields and a couple of Open Cups. They’ve appeared in 10 MLS Cup finals, so if you pick an MLS Cup final at random, there’s a one in three chance they’re in it.
It’s an amazing record, and if Galaxy fans have developed a little bit of entitlement over the years, if they get a little twitchy when a few years roll by where they don’t win anything, well, there’s a reason. They’re not exactly Bayern Munich, but their teams have won stuff in almost every decade that MLS has been around.
And that’s why it’s fun when they stink, because you know that they’ll figure it out and be back to winning stuff. They defy gravity. DC United, the Chicago Fire, and to a lesser extent, Atlanta United all started their existences as the hottest thing to ever come down the pike, fell hard, and have never gotten back up. Not the Galaxy. They win, fall, then come back and win some more.
They are Lex Luthor. He’s got more money than God, he’s charismatic, he’s smart, he lords over all other villains, and no matter how many times Superman kicks his ass, he always comes back, just as rich, just as smart, and having not lost the single slightest bit of standing among the villains.
We’re now in the part of the cycle where Luthor’s devious plan to dominate MLS with their secret weapon of Riqui Puig has been foiled by Superman, an ACL injury, and the salary cap and everyone is now getting in their shots before he invariably slithers off, rebuilds, retools, and makes another go.
Time for Eric Quill’s dawgs to become Krypto and join in the ass-kicking.