I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Because my brain’s been poisoned from being online for 35 years, here’s my summary of last week’s game.
Now, you might say that FCD only got a draw out of the game, and ask how fitting this meme really is. First of all, pretty bold of you to expect accuracy out of this column. Second, let’s do a tale of the tape:
FC Dallas
- Petar Musa got himself a hat trick, Player of the
WeekMatchday honors, and a lot of mentions as “perhaps the best striker in MLS” from national soccer writers who otherwise forget that Dallas has an MLS team. - Nolan Norris got 90 minutes as a center back and showed that maybe he’s got a lot more playing time at that position in his future.
- Eric Quill looked like a coaching smartypants for putting in a 3-4-3 and high-pressing the hell out of SDFC, which got Musa one of his goals. (But man, he’s really got to chalk up switching sides with Johansson and Kamungo as a failed bit.)
San Diego FC
- Blew two-goal leads twice (2-0 and 3-1)
- Tried rotating their squad with an eye on their midweek Champions Cup game in Toluca, but got hamblasted that game anyway. It turns out that while getting two away goals in San Diego was nice for Toluca, winning 4-0 at home was even better.
Now, was it all sunshine and rainbows for FCD? Of course not. While Mikey Varas ended up bringing a lot of his big guns later in the match, would it have been different if those big guns had been in there from the opening whistle? Those two penalties were, um, unfortunate. And hey, it was only a draw, no matter how good it felt when Musa put in the tying goal in stoppage time.
But… they’ve managed to get results out of two out of three of their toughest games this season.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Vancouver Whitecaps vs. San Jose Earthquakes (Apple TV, 9:30)
For the second week in a row, the Quakes find themselves in the terribly prestigious Superclásico slot, and for the second week in a row, it’s against a Cascadia team.
This week, it’s in Vancouver, with the Caps on top of the West at this early stage and the Quakes in fourth. Now, a less seasoned follower of this league might say, “Hey, that’s a game that the league and its TV partners might want to feature because it’ll like be a pretty good game and it’ll have Thomas Müller and Timo Werner facing off against one another.” However, those of us who have followed the league for a while know better:
In fairness, neither Vancouver nor San Jose really brings in the eyeballs. And hey, who’s gonna tune in at 10:30 Eastern Time anyway? But this is why you subscribe to Apple TV, amirite, for better picture quality, and so you don’t have to be bound to what The Man thinks are the games you should watch on TV.
And you can watch For All Mankind. My prediction for the upcoming season?
But back to this game. As I said earlier, it features two bona fide international superstars, both from Germany, Thomas Müller and Timo Werner, but each came to their respective teams under different circumstances.
Müller had a long and storied career at Bayern Munich, truly one of the most successful clubs in the world, and is essentially riding off into the sunset of his career as the veteran sensei of the Whitecaps.
Meanwhile, Werner’s career hasn’t gone quite the same way, bouncing from VfB Stuttgart to Leipzig in 2016, to Chelsea in 2020, back to Leipzig in 2022, to Tottenham in 2024, back to Leipzig in 2025, and now to San Jose. He went from being a €53 million player when he moved to Chelsea, to being a €20 million player when he went from Chelsea back to Leipzig, to going to Tottenham on loan, to being a free transfer for San Jose. If this feels a little less like a triumphant ride off into the sunset and more like a last chance, well, that’s probably because it is.
On the other hand, I am among the rather large number of RB Leipzig Haters among Bundesliga fans, so I’d say that he’s kinda fallen upwards by going to the Bay Area.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Los Angeles FC (Apple TV and Fox, 7:30)
This is one of the matchdays during the season where I don’t get to pick the Little Brother game that nauseates me the least. This time, it’s because FCD is playing Little Brother Orange, so Little Brother Green falls into this slot by default.
Hey, remember when Little Brother Green and LAFC were gonna be a rivalry a couple of years ago?
Good times, good times. Now, I get why this was a thing. In 2022, Little Brother Green had a nice season; they played some pretty competitive matches against LAFC, and played them in the Western Conference Final. For one shining moment, they seemed like peers, playing champagne soccer in front of big crowds and gleaming new stadiums, and besides, all Little Brother Green heard from Dallas and Houston was, “Ew. Go away.”
Of course, since then, LAFC won the Supporters Shield in 2022, won MLS Cup in 2022, appeared in the CONCACAF Champions League final in 2023, appeared in the MLS Cup final in 2023, appeared in the Leagues Cup final in 2024, finished atop the Western Conference in 2024, and won the US Open Cup in 2024.
Meanwhile, Little Brother Green won Copa Tejas in 2023. (OK, sure, they were in the Open Cup final last year, but I’m creating a narrative here.)
So thankfully, all that foolish rivalry talk has come and gone, and both teams can get back to what they do best: LAFC signs world superstars, wins trophies, and runs into walls where the Galaxy have painted a tunnel. Little Brother Green signs FCD castoffs, finishes in the lower half of the Western Conference, and enjoys all sorts of unwarranted national attention for its brand of football terrorism.
And for whatever reason, the latter will be on full display on Saturday night as Fox beams Nicoball out over the air and dethrones The Chevy Chase Show as the most offensive thing they’ve ever broadcast.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LAFC, who have their own former FCD players in Ryan Hollinghead and Nkosi Tafari, but those feel a little less like “castoffs” and more like “fleeces of Andre Zanotta.”
Sickos Game of the Week
FC Cincinnati vs. CF Montréal (Apple TV, Noon on Sunday)
Over the past couple of years, whenever FC Cincinnati has appeared in this slot, it’s been because they were gonna be making a snuff film with some hapless victim. And if the calendar still said 2024 or 2025, I might put this game in the same category.
But time marches on, and in 2026, FCC isn’t bad, per se, but they are struggling this month. They started off the month by dropping a 1-0 game to TFC, then rebounded to win 3-0 at home in the first leg of their Champions Cup round of 16 series against Tigres, and all seemed back to normal.
What followed was getting pounded 6-1 by the Revs on the fresh new grass at Gillette Stadium. And if that weren’t bad enough, they went to Monterrey for their 2nd leg against Tigres, coughed up four goals in the 5th, 10th, 46th, and 49th minutes to go down 4-3 on aggregate. Kevin Denkey scored in the 65th to make the game 4-1, but importantly tied the aggregate at 4-4 and took the lead on the away goals tiebreaker. But while FCC could hold that score for 25 minutes, there was still stoppage time:
For once, a Cincinnati pants-crapping didn’t involve Skyline Chili. You know, one would’ve thought that a 3-0 first-leg lead was gonna be pretty safe. Surely, a team with FCC’s quality couldn’t give THAT up, even at El Volcán. Sometimes when you’re struggling, you really struggle.
Meanwhile, Montréal is just bad.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Montréal, just to increase the odds that FCC management does something dumb and rash.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Houston Dynamo (Apple TV, 7:30)
These clowns again. But since I’m trying to be a better person as I get older, I have tried to practice gratitude more often. So in that vein, here are some things I appreciate about the Houston Dynamo:
- I appreciate that they’re not ageist, that they have realized that people of a certain age still have a lot to contribute, and have provided Héctor Herrera with more lucrative employment than being a Walmart greeter.
- Speaking of employment, I appreciate that they took one for the team and hired Ben Olsen. Hearing him mumble as an ESPN analyst after DC United fired him wasn’t fun for anyone.
- I appreciate Shell Energy Stadium because it provides a ready-made counterpoint to any assertions that a downtown stadium is a necessary and sufficient condition for an MLS team’s prosperity.
- I also appreciate Shell Energy Stadium because it helps keep me on my toes and reminds me to always check to see if a stadium’s name has changed in the last week or so.
- I appreciate their fans because I am not as young as I used to be. And without their fans, I might otherwise have forgotten things that happened in 2006 and 2007.
- I appreciate that they have hopefully been taking good care of El Capitán over the last year while Toyota Stadium is under construction. (If FCD hasn’t in fact been storing it in a store room in the catacombs of Toyota Stadium, I don’t wanna know.)
- I appreciate the fact that their social media team gives Eddie and the rest of FCD’s social media team plenty of batting practice.
And to the last point and in honor of one of the oldest rivalries in the league, here’s a video from last year with FCD legends Chris Seitz, Zach Loyd, Brek Shea, and, um, someone who wore #35 over a decade ago, abusing some hapless fruit.
And I appreciate that, unlike FCD’s last three opponents, no one is going to confuse them with being “good.”