I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Honestly, I don’t know how I haven’t made this meme previously this season. It’s been a pattern. FCD fights like hell when they’re trailing — pay no attention to the game in Vancouver — and that’s how they really haven’t gotten beaten badly this season outside of Vancouver, and it makes you think they’ve got some juice. Look at the last few weeks:
- FCD goes down 3-1 in St. Louis, fights like hell, gets a goal from Ibby in the 81st and Farrington in stoppage time, and walks out with a 3-3 draw.
- FCD goes down 2-0 early against SKC, fights like hell, storms back to take a 3-2 halftime lead, lets Sirois’ goal get peppered in the second half, lets in the tying goal, and scores the winning goal off a fortunate penalty in stoppage time, and walks out with a 4-3 win.
- FCD takes a 1-0 lead in St. Paul, gives up the tying goal less than 10 minutes later, and scores the winning goal roughly minutes later. The only difference here is that they managed to hold things down well enough to keep you from thinking that the Loons didn’t just run out of time, probably because the Loons aren’t great at having to go forward and create something.
- And this past weekend, FCD took a 2-0 lead, and well, I’ll let MLS’ Momentum chart tell the story:
And those four games got FCD three wins and a draw.
Look, I get it. FCD outscores people rather than out-soccering them. They don’t value possession the way some teams do. I don’t find high pass counts as erotic as Nico Estévez does. I don’t need to see a big number on the possession percentage as some people do. You win by outscoring them, not outpossessing them.
But man, I would like to see FCD clamp down on teams a little bit more. They’ve got the best scorer in club history up front. Maybe some defense half as good as Petar Musa would make us ask “How the hell are they in third?” less often.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Inter Miami vs. San Diego FC (Apple TV, Sunday at 6:00)
I ain’t jazzed about this choice, but the week is full of mid games. I guess I could talk about Nashville-Chicago, but it would just turn into me writing a screed about how BJ Callaghan should’ve been the successor to Gregg Berhalter as USMNT head coach, instead of… Gregg Berhalter.
Instead, I guess I’ll talk about the Sydney Sweeney of Major League Soccer, Inter Miami. Depending on your opinion of Ms. Sweeney, that may be a compliment or shade. Given the name of the column and that I’m a self-identified hater, you can probably guess how I come down on the topic, and I’ll tell you why.
Sweeney is objectively an attractive woman. She gets a lot of work based on that fact. Go talk with your local American heterosexual guy, and they’ll likely tell you as much. And she leans into that perception. Much of her promotional work revolves around her showing off as much as the format will allow.
Her problem is that her primary job title is “actress” and she’s not very good at that. Dame Judi Dench, she is not. That is no crime. Dwayne Johnson has made a lot of money over the years by playing Dwayne Johnson in countless movies, so if Sweeney can make a career making lots of movies and never getting anywhere near the Academy Awards, she should.
But that’s Inter Miami. Sure they LOOK good. They’ve got the greatest player of his generation on the roster, and they’re able to sign a lot of good players and have them work below market value simply on the strength of playing with that greatest player of his generation. They’ve got a glittery new stadium, lots of celebrity fans, and a celebrity owner. They’ve had a lot of players come through the team and, while they were there, get a glow-up with the star-humping American soccer media, then find their true level once they were moved on. (Anyone hear from Robert Taylor lately?)
The problem is… they’re not very good this year, and they keep showing that. Look at their record against their fellows at the top of the Eastern Conference — one home point in two games against Nashville, one home point in one game against New England, one road point in one game against Charlotte, and so on. They’ve played 12 games in their new stadium and have drawn six of them. They’ve gotten 18 points in 12 games at home, 1.5 PPG. (FCD has managed 19 points in 11 at home, FWIW.)
And like Sydney Sweeney, Inter Miami has a largely temporary fanbase with some of the worst people on earth.
But hey, at least they won Campeones Cup in midweek. Put it in the Honors section on Lionel Messi’s Wikipedia page.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. It’s not like I want San Diego fans to think their team is worth a crap, either.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Houston Dynamo vs. FC Cincinnati (Apple TV, 7:30)
The only reason why I’m writing anything about this game is that the other little brother is in Frisco on Saturday night.
I normally would not have anything against Cincy, but for one thing: They dumped Lucho Acosta on FCD last year, and proceeded to sign the player that we hoped Acosta would be, Evander. And yes, I know that FCD attempted to sign Evander from Portland and were rebuffed by Portland. So really, not much to hold against Cincy, more against Evander.
And hey, it worked out great for Evander and Cincy last year. They finished second in the East behind Philly and advanced to the Eastern Conference Semifinals. Meanwhile, FCD got rid of Acosta midway through the season, finished seventh in the West, and went out in the first round of the playoffs.
This year is a different story, however. Evander has 13 goals and 11 assists in league play, but Cincy is in 10th. I don’t know if Evander is regretting his rejection of FCD — he’s not, I’m sure — and he’s having a nice season, but they don’t give MVP awards to players on 10th-place teams. But I hope that he’s otherwise getting exactly what he wanted, even if it doesn’t involve trophies.
Suck it, pal.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Cincy. I also hope he gets a golazo bonanza against the Orange.
Sickos Game of the Week
CF Montréal vs. Columbus Crew (Apple TV, 6:30)
Speaking of Ohio-based teams that are in a neighborhood where they didn’t think they’d end up in, we’ve got the Crew. Once the darlings of Major League Soccer after fighting off a relocation threat, getting new owners, getting a new stadium, and winning two MLS Cups, they have been on a steady decline ever since Wilfried Nancy and Tim Bezbatchenko left the club.
The Crew are currently coached by Laurent Courtois, who also, coincidentally enough, was one of Wilfried Nancy’s successors in Montreal. And given where the Crew are at the moment, they might not want to go back to that well again; no one was under the impression that they were about to sign Marco Donadel as their next permanent head coach.
The good news for the Crew is that Bezbatchenko has returned to Haslam Sports Group as their President of Global Soccer. The bad news is that HSG’s soccer investments also include a new NWSL team that’ll start in 2028, so he won’t be devoted to pulling the Crew out of the ditch. At least, he’ll hopefully delegate that task to someone who knows what he’s doing.
None of this sunshine pumping applies to CF Montréal, who appear to be committed to taking up permanent residence in the ditch. There is not a single good thing going on with this club. They’re bottom of the East. Their fans hate them. They are in the market with the most inhospitable winter weather in North America, and MLS is about to move to a fall-to-spring schedule. They’re at the point where the soul-sucking behemoth known as Stade Olympique is about to become a more permanent home because their own home, Stade Saputo, doesn’t have undersoil heating. There is even doubt that they’ll be staying in Montreal long-term.
Oh wait, I forgot one thing that’s going right for them:
Great job, Caps. That is in no way, shape, or form embarrassing. But at least we might get to see CF Montréal humiliate themselves in the Canadian Championship final at home against Forge FC from the Canadian Premier League in a few weeks.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Columbus
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Austin FC (Apple TV, 7:30)
Honestly, I thought about comparing Little Brother Green to Sydney Sweeney, but that felt like too big of a compliment to our pals down I-35. I mean, getting a lot of press while not actually being all that good seems like their thing, but really, they’re mere amateurs compared to Miami.
That aside, I don’t really have a lot to say about Little Brother Green. To paraphrase the patron saint of this column, Silky Johnson (portrayed by Dave Chappelle before he got rich and kinda crappy), what can I say about Little Brother Green that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? It looks bombed out and depleted.
At this point, the team is garbage. They’ve fired Nico Estévez, and they’ve hired a new coach, who won’t actually start until he has to. The fans that haven’t conveniently forgotten that they were ever soccer fans — and judging from the crowd shots at their home games, that’s a much smaller number — are reduced to “FC Frisco” cracks, as if we haven’t heard those from Orange fans for 20 years, and as if we don’t know where their stadium is located.
And really, they should’ve known that this was gonna be their fate. Their dipshit owner ran an MLS original team into the ground in a pretty short amount of time, tried to relocate the team in the most ham-handed way possible, and got the state government of Ohio on his ass before he and the league conceded defeat and decided to let the dummies in charge of Austin give him lots of money for a stadium for an expansion team.
What, you thought he was gonna magically get visited by the Competence Fairy on his way to Austin?
I already know what you bozos that travel to Frisco are gonna say that Toyota Stadium looks like shit right now. Point taken. But while the palace is under renovation, it’s still the home of the Kings of Texas.
Bow down, peasants.