The FCD Fan’s Guide to Hatewatching Matchday 30

I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.

Musical accompaniment

Last week

Am I happy that FCD only got a point last week? Not really. They were at home, and home games should be wins. Also, the clock’s starting to run out on their 2025 playoff chase, so draws at home are no bueno.

However…

If you had told me beforehand that FCD was going to be without Petar Musa — their only remaining designated player — for the first 82 minutes, if you had told me that they were going to be without Osaze Urhoghide — their best center back — for the entirety of the game, and if you had told me that they were going to allow Son Heung-min to score six minutes in, I’m probably taking the point with a smile.

And even though the score was the same as it was the previous week against Little Brother Green, Our Heroes managed to look far less dire than they did against Little Brother Green.

So while I think that “moral victories” are for suckers, I felt a lot less bad with a point at the end of 90 minutes last Saturday night than I have after a lot of games this season. And it brings their record since Lucho decided to break curfew in LA to 2-1-3, which is a nice 1.5 PPG pace. Will that be enough to get them over the playoff line? Maybe not, but it’ll at least make the last couple of weekends of the season more interesting.

EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)

Leagues Cup Final: Seattle Sounders vs. Inter Miami (Apple TV+ free game and Univision, Sunday at 7:00)

(2025 Lionel Messi content counter: 14)

Look, anybody who reads this column, anybody who reads my posts on 3rd Degree the Discord, and anybody who reads my other contributions on other social media will know how I feel about Leagues Cup: It’s stupid.

And the reason why it’s happening, and why MLS keeps trying to kneecap the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup to boost it, is pretty simple: It’s more content that they own and can have Apple broadcast. Meanwhile, the USSF owns the TV rights to the Open Cup and will sell those rights to Comcast, or Paramount, or whomever, the princely sum of a buck-fifty. And frankly, selling LA Galaxy vs. Cruz Azul is a lot easier than selling FC Dallas vs. AV Alta.

But it’s here, changes were made to make it more Liga MX-friendly, and we still ended up with all the semifinalists from MLS. Huh. It would seem that an international club tournament played early in the Liga MX season works out about as well for them as an international club tournament played in the MLS season works out for MLS. Who knew?

But most importantly for this column, it has given us a terrific game for this slot in this week’s column. And it has given Jesús Ferreira a golden opportunity to win club silverware in his first season in Seattle. Mind you, it’s his third opportunity after the Sounders went out in the Round of 16 in the CONCACAF Champions Cup and lost all three matches of the group stage of the Club World Cup, but honestly, that’s two more than he would’ve gotten in Frisco at this point.

And it’s also been an opportunity to see his proper position in a team. I’m not talking about 9 or false 9 or 10 or even right back. I’m talking about whether he should be The Man or not, and the answer is apparently, “not The Man.” This is not a slight against Jesús. Some great players operate much better when all the expectations of the team aren’t on their shoulders in high-profile matches.

But in Frisco, he was expected to be The Man. That’s why they were paying him $2 million a year. And in the role of The Man, he leaves a bit to be desired. Yes, he had a great season at The Man in 2022, but 2023 and 2024 saw him fading into the background more than would’ve been expected or desired.

Meanwhile, in Seattle, he’s been able to mostly fade into the background, with other players like Danny Musovski and Albert Ruznák pumping in the goals and commanding most of the attention from opposing defenses. Sure, he’s still produced three goals and six assists in league play, but those aren’t The Man numbers. Those are “why are we paying him $1.8 million a year?” numbers.

On the other side of the field on Sunday night, there will be a player whose guaranteed compensation, according to MLSPA is ten times as much, and not a single dadgummed person who is a fan of this league begrudges him that because he has spent almost all of his adult life showing why he is The Man.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Seattle.

Little Brother Game of the Week

Austin FC vs. San Jose Earthquakes (Apple TV+ free game, 7:30)

I’m too lazy to check, but I’m sure that someone somewhere has already used the fact that both Nico Estévez and Bruce Arena have drawn paychecks from the US Soccer Federation as a hook for this game. If not, well, that’s good because it would be dumb. It would like looking at the Alabama Crimson Tide and the North Texas Mean Green and saying, “See, they’re both college football teams!”

In fact, I’m embarrassed that I just wrote it. I apologize to y’all.

Honestly, the much better way to talk about this game would be to point out that Arena’s Earthquakes, behind the scoring punch of Josef Martínez and Chicho Arango, are tied with San Diego as the top scoring team in the Western Conference at just under two goals a game. They are truly a joy to watch. Unfortunately for them, they are not near the top of the Western Conference with San Diego, but are in eighth place because they can’t keep balls out of their own net.

On the other hand, we’ve got Little Brother Green, who is averaging exactly a goal a game. Watching them makes your eyeballs bleed. But… they are tied with San Jose at 35 points because they have done a very good job at keeping balls out of their own net. They have given up 32 goals, just behind LAFC, Vancouver, and Minnesota at 31.

So we’ve got a classic “unstoppable force vs. immovable object” clash in this game. And in those kinds of games, I’ll go with the unstoppable force, especially when the immovable object is wearing green and black. And is coached by Nico Estévez, a known soccer terrorist. And tries to make you think that Brad Stuver is anything more than a slightly-above-average goalkeeper.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: San Jose

“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week

FC Cincinnati vs. Philadelphia Union (Apple TV+ free game, 6:30)

Were it not for the fact that the SUPERCLÁSICO game is an actual-factual cup final, this game would normally be in that slot and I’d have to try to sell you on New York Red Bulls against Columbus, which still ain’t bad. They’re both in playoff positions, and one of them has actually won silverware in the last five years.

But instead, we’ve got the top two teams in the East, and two out of the top three teams in the Supporters’ Shield standings. Since I really can’t say anything mean about these two teams, I’ll go with that old standby, saying mean things about local delicacies. And in this case, both places have something similar, but which has nonetheless not caught on elsewhere in the country.

Both places have a well-known local delicacy that is basically parts of a pig that have been ground up and combined with some cereal grain. In the case of Pennsylvania’s scrapple, it’s cornmeal. In the case of Cincinnati’s goetta, it’s steel-cut oats. It then gets formed into bricks, sold at the grocery store, and cut up into slices for frying up in the skillet:

The allegation is that both these things are made with parts of the pig that usually aren’t consumed by humans, which will cause folks to turn up their noses. Me? I’ve had enough hot dogs over the years that that sort of thing doesn’t faze me.

Just call this the Everything But the Oink Pokal.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philly.

Sickos Game of the Week

Nashville SC vs. Atlanta United (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)

OK, let’s get one thing out of the way. Nashville is good, and they’re playing at home. By all rights, this should be a bludgeoning.

But there’s something else on the line. Let’s check in with Major League Soccer Soccer dot com:

That’s right, kids. $30 million spent in transfer fees this past offseason, and they still might be eliminated before September. They might be eliminated at the same time as our good free-spending friends in Toronto, who are always good for having the worst team money can buy. They might be eliminated before all those clubs that lack “ambition,” one of whom might be near and dear to our hearts.

This makes me happy in adult ways.

It makes me happy because it happens so often in every sport, and so often, a team spends a lot of dough in the offseason and people start planning the championship parade, only for that team to fall on its face once games start getting played. We see it so often, and so often, we fall for it.

And it makes me happy that it’s happening to nouveau-riche goobers from Atlanta. Oh, sure, you play in front of full houses at a modern NFL domed stadium with cheap concessions. And sure, you won MLS Cup in your second year of existence. And sure, your ownership spent all sorts of dough on players. That’s all catnip to a Hater, and it’ll make the laughing even louder when the fall comes.

Enjoy planning your offseason, clowns.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Nashville

Good Guys Game of the Week

LA Galaxy vs. FC Dallas (Postponed until October 11)

Third-place games can run the gamut from “We’re only here so we don’t get fined” to “YAHOO! There’s little pressure, so let’s let it all hang out!” Mostly, they still exist so that tournament organizers know who to give a bronze medal to, which leads to the rather amusing situation in which the winners of the third-place game are usually a lot happier to be receiving their bronze medals than the losers of the final are to be receiving their silver medals.

In the case of Leagues Cup, however, there’s a bit more riding on it. The winner of the third-place game will get a berth in the 2026 CONCACAF Champions Cup, along with the two finalists. The loser? Not a damn thing. And because the Gals are one of the teams playing in the third-place game, it means the game that was scheduled for Saturday night has been rescheduled until the October international break. It also means that the third-place game is literally the last opportunity for the Gals to salvage SOMETHING from this season.

Unfortunately for them, they’re playing Papi’s Orlando City. Go Lions.