I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Winning is fun! FCD did it twice this past week, and I’d like to cast a vote that they should do it more. Now, we can quibble that the two wins in Austin and Salt Lake were far more interesting than they should’ve been. They blew leads in both of them, after all. And well, sometimes this team is a tough watch.
But this is a results-oriented business; they don’t give you style points, and losing pretty still gets you zero. Conversely, as long as the number on your side of the scoreboard is bigger than the number on their side of the scoreboard, you’re getting three.
And despite playing away from the friendly construction site confines that is Toyota Stadium since mid-May, the number on FCD’s side of the scoreboard keeps being bigger than the other team’s number. On this road trip from hell, FCD has racked up the following results:
- May 16 – at San Jose – WIN
- May 23 – at Colorado – WIN
- July 22 – at Portland – draw
- July 25 – at San Diego – loss
- August 1 – at LA Galaxy – draw
- August 5 – Leagues Cup vs. Querétaro (in Mansfield) – WIN
- August 8 – Leagues Cup vs. Chivas (in San Jose) – WIN
- August 12 – Leagues Cup at Toluca – loss
- August 16 – at Austin – WIN
- August 19 – at Salt Lake – WIN
That’s four wins, two draws, and a loss in league play for 2.0 PPG. It’s also two wins and a loss in Leagues Cup for… 2.0 PPG. Despite that good record in Leagues Cup, they didn’t advance; they’re done there.
But let’s talk about league play. They’ve got two league games remaining on this road trip, Saturday in Vancouver and next weekend in St. Louis. Even if they lose both games, they’ll complete the road trip with 14 points in nine games. That’s not a bad road record. That’s a pretty successful road trip.
But why settle for 14 points on the road trip, especially when your home form hasn’t been great the last couple of seasons playing in half a stadium?
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
St. Louis City vs. Houston Dynamo (Apple TV, 7:30)
This is a sad day here at Hatewatching Headquarters. We had to put one of the Little Brothers in the marquee slot. But I really had no choice. Have you seen this week’s schedule? All of the best, most marquee teams are playing pretty mid teams at best. And well, Little Brother Orange has amazingly ascended to the top of the Western Conference.
“But wait, St. Louis is pretty mid!”
Well, yeah, a look at the standings would tell you that. They’re currently in sixth place in the West, three points behind Our Heroes. That’ll get you out of playing the play-in game, but you’re still gonna be on the road for two out of three in the first round. Big deal.
But to get to that position, the Baked Ravioli Boyz went from only winning once in their first 10 games and being firmly in what I like to call “the Sporting Kansas City end of the table” on May 9 to a 10-game unbeaten run (seven wins and three draws) and sixth place now.
Most impressively, they managed to do so with the same coach throughout. I actually had to look that up, by the way, because one-quarter of the league has changed head coaches so far this season. (This should shut up any mouthbreathers that try to state that there are zero consequences in MLS for losing.) I could’ve sworn that St. Louis was gonna be one of those teams. When you’re on your fifth coach in four seasons of existence, it’s an easy conclusion to jump to.
Little Brother Orange, for its part, has also been hotter than a two-dollar pistol, losing only once in the last 11 games, a 3-0 loss at RSL on May 13. And like St. Louis, they too came from beneath the playoff line to where they are now. And like St. Louis, they too have kept the same coach, Ben Olsen, whose superpower is to avoid the unemployment line. But the big difference between St. Louis and Little Brother Orange is that one player’s performance seems to have made it happen in Houston: Guilherme.
In those 11 games that have taken Little Brother Orange to the top of the Western Conference — I know, I don’t like writing it any more than you like reading it — Guilherme has had seven goals and three assists. Of those seven goals, five have been game-winners and a sixth was the tying goal in a draw. That’s 16 points right there.
So wait… a team is getting results because their multimillion-dollar striker is scoring all sorts of important goals? Where have I heard that one before?
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. Well, it’s not like I want St. Louis to win, either.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Philadelphia Union (Apple TV, 8:00)
Look, I’m not writing anything about this game. I really should’ve put it in the next slot if I wasn’t already presented with another game that was absolutely perfect for that slot. These two teams are 13th in the East and 14th in the West because they both stink worse than a baby’s full diaper. But I will give them each a tip of the caps.
First, Little Brother Green beat the Seattle Sounders 2-1 in Seattle to extend the Sounders’ losing streak to eight games. A reminder that FCD’s record losing streak is five games. I’m just happy that FCD caught their customary yearly loss in Seattle earlier in the season because I would’ve hated for the Sounders to break that streak if FCD were to come to town.
Second, congratulations to the Union’s Sullivan brothers for giving us this moment at the end of their 2-2 draw with Inter Miami:
The Philly fans were not, in fact, chanting “E-C-W,” but were reportedly chanting something that I cannot repeat here.
But wait, there was more! Earlier in the match, Quinn Sullivan squared up with Lionel Messi after receiving a slap on the back of the head:
Well, would you look at that? Guess I did write something after all.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: The Phightin’ Philadelphia Union.
Sickos Game of the Week
Atlanta United vs. Sporting Kansas City (Apple TV, Sunday at 6:00)
Look, these teams stink out loud. They’re both at the bottom of their respective conferences. It’s gonna be played on plastic.
Normally, I’d tell you to watch literally any other game that happened to be on at the time. Bad news on that front. There’s not gonna be any other MLS game on. Why?
Instead, maybe watch the Angel City vs. Gotham FC NWSL game on ION. (Channel 68 in D/FW) Gotham is currently on top of the NWSL, is unbeaten in the last eight games, has the stingiest defense in the league, and is led by former FC Dallas youth player Jaeden Shaw, who currently has five goals and four assists in 17 games.
If nothing else, it should be a better watch than “worst team money can buy vs. team that didn’t have a full roster to start the season,” even if the picture quality will be better on Apple.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: 0-0. It’s what the sickos deserve who tune into this pile of crap.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Vancouver Whitecaps vs. FC Dallas (Apple TV, 8:30)
As I alluded to earlier, this is the penultimate game in FCD’s months-long road trip. It’s just this one and next weekend’s game in St. Louis, and they get to return to their home, which is still under construction. I notice that the “still under construction” part is being soft-pedaled by everyone.
Don’t get me wrong. The almost-complete reconstructed east side is coming along pretty nicely:
But the west side basically got torn down during the road trip and now looks like this:
So basically still just playing in a half stadium, just the other half for another year or so. That’s nice.
And it’s probably a big reason why FCD has been collecting more points on the road than at home since the start of last season. Let’s face it: After a year and a half of this, it ain’t a fluke.
So when the nine-game road trip has been whittled down to a two-game road trip after a great deal of success on that road trip, part of me is a little anxious about the return home. Not anxious as I’d be if I were Tiger Woods and I were returning home late at night after canoodling with a Perkins waitress, but a little anxious nonetheless.
Conversely, I’m not anxious about this weekend. Why should I be at this point? On this road trip, FCD has won two games at altitude, won in San Jose twice (once against Chivas), and collected points in Portland and the Galaxy. Before the road trip, they pounded DC United into a smooth past in Washington and won in New Jersey for the first time since the Bush Administration.
So why should I fear a trip to the home of the defending Western Conference champs? And hopefully, this isn’t FCD’s last trip to Vancouver, a city with actual soccer history. There are rumblings of a stadium solution in British Columbia, but only rumblings. Off in the horizon, Las Vegas lurks, which… ew.
And that brings me back to those pictures of the Toyota Stadium construction. Toyota Stadium isn’t perfect. It hasn’t been perfect from the moment it opened, only 80-90% complete, in August 2005. And all of us who love the team have known its imperfections better than anyone. But it’s home. Even if it’s halfway to the Oklahoma border, it’s home. Even if the stage was an eyesore, it’s home. Even if it ran out of pizza back it was Pizza Hut Park; it’s home. Even if the new mural of Bobby Rhine has him wearing a Burn uniform with navy blue shorts, not black, it’s home.
May the Caps’ home continue to be in Vancouver. And may the Road Dawgs continue to roll into town and beat their asses.