The FCD Fan’s Guide to Hatewatching Matchday 3

I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.

Musical accompaniment

R.I.P. Mojo

Last week

As always, you can read smart thoughts about the game elsewhere on this site. As for me, I’m just happy that FCD beat San Jose for a change. Right up to the point where Dante Sealy scored, I was ready to be annoyed about the following things:

  1. That FCD dropped two points at home, a continuation of their bad habit of dropping points at home that they had all last season.
  2. That FCD had once again drawn with the Earthquakes 1-1.
  3. That they had peppered the San Jose goal and gotten only a single goal out of it.

But hey, winning papers over all sorts of complaints.


San Jose Earthquakes vs. LA Galaxy (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)

This week’s SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO is the Cali Clásico. Since I’m as MLS old-school as the shootout and the countdown clock, you know I was going to pick this one, since it is as old-school as any rivalry in this league gets.

Since it’s only the second game of the season for both teams, you usually wouldn’t have any narratives already spun up for each team for the season.

Fortunately, the universe occasionally provides. On Thursday night, word got out that Carlos Vela was on the verge of signing with the Quakes:

And on Friday, the most famous pornstache in MLS media confirmed the story:

So it would appear that Vela is going to continue to be a pain in the Galaxy’s asses on a regular basis, but likely not this weekend. Still, I admire his commitment to the bit.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, since I don’t want either of these teams to walk away with three points. But I would like to see San Jose get an early lead again, only to have the Gals put in an amazingly stupid goal late to send Quakes fans home annoyed.

Little Brother Game of the Week

Seattle Sounders vs. Austin FC (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)

The part that was funniest about Little Brother Green’s offseason was the part where Jáder Obrian was their big signing. It got even funnier when Obrian didn’t even start, but came in at the 58th minute in their loss to the Loons last week.

Yes, they lost to Minnesota United. At home. To a team that was playing under an interim manager while waiting for their new coach to find his way to Minnesota from Manchester. To a team that was missing its best player, Emanuel Reynoso, who is flakier than the cereal aisle at your local Tom Thumb.

Thank you, Little Brother Green, for your commitment to remaining the foremost source of comedy in Major League Soccer. I feel bad that Cap’n Matt has to put up with this nonsense, but such is the life of a professional athlete.

Fortunately, they get a break this week. Oh wait, they’re going to the green concrete in Seattle? Well, good luck.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Seattle. They haven’t managed a single win this season, but we’re all rooting for those plucky upstarts from the Pacific Northwest.

“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week

Inter Miami vs. Orlando City (Fox and Apple TV+ free game, 3:30)

One of Lionel Messi’s many talents has been to make a lot of people forget about how not-very-good Inter Miami is. Lots of pundits who should know better have picked them to contend for MLS Cup and you’ve still got people losing their damn minds when it comes to tickets:

There is no seat at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park that is worth $3,500. Not one.

And in their first two games, the Fightin’ Messis have shown themselves to be quite beatable. And they’ve shown this against RSL and the Galaxy, two teams in the fat middle of Major League Soccer.

On Saturday, they get to face an actual-factual good team in Orlando City. They’ll be doing so at home, but MLS teams are getting past the autograph-seeking stage and Miami’s games are resembling actual league games moreso than circuses. If you don’t believe me, look at how opponents are doing in their second games against Miami’s all-stars of yesteryear.

This is Orlando’s third game against Messi and Company.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando. Pro-Papi bias, &c. &c.

Sickos Game of the Week

Colorado Rapids vs. Nashville SC (Apple TV+ free game, 8:30)

It’s the Sickos Game, so of course it’s going to involve the Colorado Rapids. The start of the season always brings newfound optimism for a magical season, which for most teams’ fans will be slowly crushed as the season progresses.

Not the Rapids ever have much optimism for anything except for home wins and playoff wins against FC Dallas, but what little they had was surely crushed when Sam Vines put a ball into his own net to give the Timbers a 4-0 halftime lead last Saturday night. The Rapids got a consolation goal, but they also got the business end of the most lopsided game last week.

For whatever reason, I didn’t make that game the Sickos game last week. I do not intend to make that mistake this week.

I don’t even know if Nashville is any good, just like I didn’t know if Portland was any good. They rode some elite defense to the playoffs last year, but their attack was putrid. They were less watchable than Madame Web. Sure, Hani Mukhtar was MVP two years ago, but try and help him out a little, amrite?

But they’re good enough to handle the Rapids, especially given this very visitor-friendly forecast for game time in Commerce City:

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Nashville. The good news for Colorado fans is that the Nuggets and Avalanche are really good again this season and should make deep playoff runs and keep your mind off the sorry, no-account Rapids and Rockies until Memorial Day.

Good Guys Game of the Week

FC Dallas vs. CF Montréal (Apple TV+ free game, 7:30)

The last time that FCD played Montreal, was the second game of the 2020 season, and the last game before the whole world went to hell in a handbasket during the pandemic, FCD got kicked out of a tournament because of Cheez-Its, and Buzz’s nickname for a North Texas SC player became internationally known.

Peter has more talents than just being radio and podcast gold

So what I’m saying is, that I’m gonna be a little wary this coming week.

But on Saturday night, I’ll be hyped. FCD will be back home at Fortress Frisco. They look like they can actually do stuff on the attack this year. And if you believe FCD’s intrepid social media presence, we’ll be seeing the debut of the team’s record signing, forward Petar Musa.

To be quite honest, the words “designated player” and “forward” go as well together for FCD the past several years as “cabbage” and “ice cream.”

First, there was Cristian Colmán, who continuously managed to break new ground for a few seasons in finding new ways to do everything BUT score. Then there was Franco Jara, for whom the spirit was always willing but the thirtysomething flesh fell a bit short. And last year, the team traded for Jesús Jiménez, who did a stellar job in showing why he had climbed no higher than the Spanish third division, some minor European leagues, and Toronto FC.

But it’s a New Era™ in Frisco, unlike those previous New Eras. FCD has spent eight figures on a player for the first time ever, and even though that doesn’t buy what it used to, it does bring some optimism because they’ve spent it on a guy in the prime of his career instead of a guy that they’re looking to flip or a guy who is five years past his prime.

But just don’t give us a golazo on your debut on Saturday night, Petar. We know how that story ends.

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