The FCD Fan’s Guide to Hatewatching Matchday 12

I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.

Musical accompaniment

A little something for you Rush fans and you ICAO airport code geeks

Worst Season Ever Watch

I know that we, the FC Dallas Curious, are pretty jazzed about the win over Little Brother Orange and are ready to stuff people into a locker who want to bring up the part about how FCD was a man up for 85 minutes, but really, it’s just one game, the 9th out of 34. I wrote that part last week about how FCD could crash and burn the rest of the season as long as they beat those clowns from the other end of I-45, and I’m sure that somewhere, a finger on a monkey paw curled.

It’s important to remember that, given the following two facts:

  1. FCD is going to Toronto this week and TFC is showing signs of being competent.
  2. The 2003 Burn won their 10th game, a 3-1 win over the Colorado Rapids at Dragon Stadium.

So 2024 might be back behind the 2003 Burn next week and the watch is still on:

2024 – 2 wins, 5 losses, 2 draws, 8 points
2003 – 1 wins, 5 losses, 3 draws, 6 points


Inter Miami vs. New York Red Bulls (Apple TV+ free game, 6:30)

I usually don’t feature Messi and Friends in this column because let’s face it, if you’re a fan of this league, the league itself is gonna give you all the Messi content you would ever want. They’ll even send it to you via e-mail like it’s 2002 or something:

The downside is that it ends up in the spam folder

But this week, the greatest player of our generation makes an appearance in this particular slot in this column for a very good reason: Inter Miami has been winning a lot and they’re on top of the East. Additionally, they’re playing the team in 3rd place, just four points back with a game in hand, the New York Red Bulls.

It would be so reductive to frame this game as the Miami Retirees (the 7th oldest starting XI in the league, according to Transfermarkt) against the New York Young Bucks (the 2nd youngest starting XI), but I keep coming back to the notion that soccer is a young person’s game. Sure, Miami has some of the greatest players of all time, but Father Time remains undefeated. And while playing under the Florida sun might become a problem for them in July and August, it’s still May and it’s only forecast to be 80 at kickoff.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: The club formerly known as the New York/New Jersey MetroStars, largely because of how amusing it is that the club that formerly employed Roberto Donadoni and Lothar Matthäus has become one that has players that can walk down the street unmolested, and how amusing it would be for that team to beat one that is not quite so anonymous.

Little Brother Game of the Week

Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Austin FC (Apple TV+ free game, 9:30)

Those of you who have been attending FC Dallas games at Toyota Stadium for a few years might remember the September 2018 game against the Columbus Crew. This was after the Crew’s then-owner and noted failson Anthony Precourt announced his intention to move the Crew to Austin, and Austin fans, in a preview of how repulsive they would ultimately end up being, organized a group trip to Frisco to watch “their future team.”

Ultimately, Precourt’s efforts failed, but he got an expansion team in Austin and the Crew was sold to the Haslam family, better known for their ownership of the Cleveland Browns – and since the arc of the universe sometimes bends towards justice a little more quickly – the following things have happened to the Crew under new ownership:

  1. They got a brand-new stadium in downtown Columbus.
  2. They won MLS Cups in 2020 and 2023.

And they haven’t forgotten about you, Austin:

The Crew just got a huge win in Monterrey to advance to the CONCACAF Champions Cup final, but the fine people of Columbus haven’t forgotten about y’all. What nice people. I’m more than happy to have FCD share big brother duties with the Crew from here on out.

But I would point out to the fine folks hosting a morning show in the #33 media market that Little Brother Green has won the Copa Tejas twice. So there.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver. I mean, this was a foregone conclusion and I’m sort of in the bag for Vanni Sartini.

“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week


Look, outside of the Miami-New York game and the Toronto-FCD game, we’ve got the following games in the East this week:

  • Atlanta (9th in the East) vs. Minnesota – Meh.
  • Charlotte (11th in the East) vs. Portland – Meh.
  • DC United (8th in the East) vs. Philadelphia (7th in the East) – Meh.
  • Orlando (13th in the East) vs. Cincinnati (2nd in East) – This game was a contender for the Sickos game, but I ain’t doing that to Papi.
  • Chicago (12th in the East) vs. New England (15th in the East) – Also a candidate for the Sickos game, but I’ve been going to the “riffing on Caleb Porter” well a bunch lately.
  • Nashville (14th in the East) vs. Montreal (10th in the East) – Meh.

I can’t make you pretend to care about these games. Sarah McLachlan seated next to a rescue dog can’t make you pretend to care about these games.

Don Draper has never come up with any more persuasive ad than the ASPCA ads

So I won’t.

Sickos Game of the Week

San Jose Earthquakes vs. Los Angeles FC (Apple TV+ free game, 6:30)

“Hey Dustin, this is a West Coast game. Why is it on at a reasonable hour?”

Well, gentle reader, it’s because this game is being held at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, better known as the home of the San Francisco 49ers. Me, personally, I have no idea why the Earthquakes feel the need to have one game a year at Stanford Stadium or Levi’s Stadium, or somewhere that is not PayPal Park. You built the place so you wouldn’t have to pay rent to anyone!

I also don’t understand why they’re having this game during the late afternoon when Levi’s Stadium has a certain reputation for not being a terribly comfortable place in the afternoon.

Well, at least those fans will get to see lots of goals since the Earthquakes have given up 25 goals in 10 games. FCD has only scored multiple goals twice this season: Last week against 10-man Little Brother Orange and against full-strength San Jose on Opening Day. FC Dallas doesn’t even have Denis Bouanga.

LAFC, however, does, and if Luchi Gonzalez is cleaning out his office on Monday, Bouanga is likely to be a cause.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. I don’t ever want to see LAFC have nice things, like wins, and I don’t want to see Luchi lose his job, but I would enjoy keeping at least one team in the rear-view mirror.

Good Guys Game of the Week

Toronto FC vs. FC Dallas (Apple TV+ free game, 6:30)

Toronto FC pulled off one of the greatest swindles in MLS league history in the 2022-23 offseason when they traded Jesús Jiménez and an international roster slot to FCD in exchange for Brandon Servania. They even picked up Jiménez’s $1.2 million salary, so they essentially gave FCD Jesús Jiménez, $1.2 million, and an international roster slot in exchange for Brandon Servania. Now, I like Brandon, but that was an insane price for him.

And FCD still got swindled in the process.

I never would’ve thought that any striker would make me miss Franco Jara, but Jiménez did. Jara’s worst sin was “getting old.” His spirit was still willing and he gave an honest, professional effort every time he stepped on the pitch, but the flesh had gotten slow and weak. None of this can be said for Jiménez, whose last action for FC Dallas was pulling up on a 50-50 ball in the Seattle penalty area with FCD down 1-0 to the Sounders in Game 3 of the first round of the 2023 playoffs.

Of course, Servania injured his ACL late last season and is still in recovery, so he won’t be able to make FCD pay for that trade one last time on Saturday night.

So TFC owes FCD compensation for that swindle. I’m too proud a fan to ask for charity on the field, so maybe what we need is a different approach. Find Danny Ocean, have him dye his hair, and sign him as a U-22 Initiative Player named “Daniel Océano,” and have him put together a team to break into Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment offices while everyone MLSE and the rest of Toronto is focused on Game 7 between the Maple Leafs and Bruins in Boston.

Of course, there is the small problem that Game 7 is on Sunday night, while FCD is playing on Saturday night, but that’s a mere logistical detail. Besides, we know that Clark and Dan would rather have the money than the points anyway.

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