I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Two weeks ago, Our Heroes went out to Southern California and got a 0-0 draw that wasn’t as unwatchable as the usual 0-0 draw, but… still not great. Both teams tried, but neither was very good that night. Fotmob’s highest-rated players for FCD were, in order…
- Jonathan Sirois – 8.9
- Nolan Norris – 8.1
- Osaze Urhoghide – 7.9
- Shaq Moore – 7.5
- Bernie Kamungo 7.3
- Herman Johansson – 7.2
None of the central midfielders or forwards cleared 7.0. Given how much FCD has struggled in Carson and Pasadena over three decades, a draw isn’t the worst result, but this is not a good Galaxy team. FCD didn’t threaten their goal that much, and given how good they’ve been on the road this season, it felt a little disappointing.
And in Leagues Cup, the story was a similar one against Querétaro in Mansfield and against Chivas in San Jose: Sirois and the defense carried the team, gave up a lot of possession, and kept the sheet clean until there was a bit of timely scoring at the other end. Unfortunately, at 8,900 feet in Toluca, giving up possession and expecting the back six to keep the game within reach only worked for most of the first half. It was a 3-1 loss to end the Leagues Cup campaign, a campaign that turned out better than most expected, with FCD only getting to play one single game in D/FW.
But I still would’ve rather had an Open Cup campaign instead, especially since FCD theoretically could’ve beaten Toluca in regulation, finished with a perfect nine points, and still not advanced because Leagues Cup’s ridiculous format.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Nashville SC vs. Inter Miami (Apple TV, 7:30)
Sometimes MLS has succeeded in spite of itself.
Now, I’m not one of these clowns that you see on the Internet who claim that MLS’ fatal flaw was having a salary cap and not having promotion and relegation with the USL, a.k.a. America’s longest-running soccer-related grift.
I’m not even one of these clowns that think that MLS “squandered” all the attention that soccer got from the World Cup. (Seriously, I saw a complaint that MLS played a couple of weeks of league games, then had a break for the Leagues Cup, which is, if you recall, an international competition whose games are on MLS’ big TV partner.)
This is not to say that MLS has done everything right after the World Cup. I’d like to know who came up with “Thanks World, we’ll take it from here,” and tell them to their faces how much it sucks. Seriously, what is this crap?
I guess it beats “Stop blaming us for Couva, you neckbeard shut-ins” or “Come watch tomorrow’s big stars before someone pays an eight-figure transfer fee to move overseas.” But those of us with keen eyes will note that the following people got more screen time in that pile of crap than the league’s leading scorer and a guy who actually scored in the World Cup, Petar Musa:
- Kevin Durant, NBA player and minority owner of the Union
- Matthew McConaughey, actor and minority owner of the third wheel of MLS in Texas
- David Beckham, former underwear model and minority owner of Inter Miami
- Minty, who’s not really a person, but the mascot of Charlotte FC
It also has Diego Luna, which should tell you how long ago they did this video. Whoops.
In addition to doing cringy stuff like that and not paying A Tribe Called Quest to use their hit “Can I Kick It?” in the ad, they are also doing stuff like “not hyping a matchup between the top two teams in the league to the bejeezus belt.”
I will give the league grace for not making it the SUNDAY ⚡️ NIGHT ⚡️ SOCCER ⚡️⚡️⚡️ game. After all, there were scheduling reasons why it was on Saturday. But is it the WALMART 💥 SATURDAY 💥 SHOWDOWN 💥💥💥? Of course not. That honor was bestowed on the slightly smelly Orlando-Cincy matchup. It’s just another one of the 15 games this weekend. Ho hum.
Which is a shame because it features Nashville, who has the most points in the league, even though they HAVEN’T spent the GDP of a small island nation on players, largely because they’ve got a smart technical staff who have signed some real difference makers, including Hany Mukhtar, Sam Surridge, and Cristian Espinoza, and a coach who has won more trophies in international competition than Mauricio Pochettino. It also features Inter Miami, who have racked up the second-most points by spending the GDP of a small island nation on players, who are coached by Lionel Messi’s old youth coach.
Nashville are stout defensively and have given up the fewest goals in the league. Meanwhile, Miami has scored the most goals in the league. It is the classic “irresistible force meets immovable object” matchup. It’ll be a showcase for MLS. And instead, the league has decided that Walmart’s sponsorship dough should be attached to a game featuring a team that fired its coach three games into the season.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Nashville.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Houston Dynamo vs. LA Galaxy (Apple TV, 7:30)
By writing so much about the last game, you can probably take it as an indicator that I don’t really want to write so much about this game. Besides, there’s only one little brother that we FCD fans are gonna be paying attention to this weekend.
The only thing otherwise noteworthy about this game is that it’ll be the likely debut of Hirving “Chucky” Lozano for the Galaxy. Congratulations, Chucky. You managed to stay in Southern California and now to play for a coach whose seat might actually be warmer than Mikey Varas’ seat.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LA
Sickos Game of the Week
Seattle Sounders vs. Vancouver Whitecaps (Apple TV, Sunday at 9:30)
Speaking of coaches who might be sitting on a hot seat, we’ve got Brian Schmetzer. I don’t want to say anything like “he’s gonna get fired,” but the Sounders have lost six straight games. They lost two out of three games in Leagues Cup, beating only Querétaro, which we as FCD fans discovered was not exactly the final boss of LigaMX competition.
There’s probably a way to do this without a screenshot of Wikipedia, but then, Wikipedia’s color coding of results really drives home the point:
Even if you look past the two losses to Portland — and trust me, neither Seattle nor Portland fans are looking past them — it’s not as if the Sounders have faced a gauntlet. Yes, only one game since the World Cup has been at home, after which the grass field was torn out, but Portland is also the only playoff team they’ve faced since the World Cup. I’m just saying that we FCD fans would appreciate more tomato cans on our team’s extended road trip, like the ones Seattle got.
And under the heading of “FC Dallas: Better than you think,” it is worth noting that in FC Dallas’ 31 seasons, they have never lost six league games in a row. Congratulations to the Sounders for outdoing a league original on that front.
Amazingly, they’re still above the playoff line, but they’re still down bad. And that’s the reason they’re in the Sickos Game slot this week, especially since they’re playing the team currently atop the Western Conference.
The other reason is that they’re the Sounders, and you can bet your ass I’m gonna kick them while they’re down.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver, mostly because I want to see how mad Sounders fans get about the single most successful coach in their history.
Good Guys Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. FC Dallas (Apple TV, Sunday at 7:30)
You know why I think that Leagues Cup is a clown competition? Because Little Brother Green stinks out loud and already fired Nico Estévez and somehow managed to be one of the four MLS teams to advance to the quarterfinals.
And unlike this nonsense in The Rise of Skywalker, which boiled down to “Force nonsense,” it was entirely obvious how Little Brother Green managed to advance:
- Tijuana (9th in the 2026 Clausura, no playoffs) at Q2 Stadium
- Puebla (17th in the 2026 Clausura, no playoffs) at Q2 Stadium
- América (8th in the 2026 Clausura, out in 1st round of playoffs) at Q2 Stadium
Three straight games at home against two mid-table teams and one terrible team? Must be nice. And that’s largely how we got the four MLS representatives we did: play a soft schedule entirely at home. And that’s why we got two teams that are currently in playoff position — Chicago and RSL — and two that aren’t — Columbus and Little Brother Green. No Vancouver, no Miami, no LAFC, no Nashville.
Such an unserious competition. And there are three CONCACAF Champions Cup slots riding on it.
So in addition to the usual “Dallas and Austin are huge rivals!” nonsense that we get twice a year from the league, we’re gonna be made to pretend that Little Brother Green is actually good because they’re in the Leagues Cup quarterfinal. Don’t believe me? This game will be one of the SUNDAY ⚡️ NIGHT ⚡️ SOCCER ⚡️⚡️⚡️ games (along with the Sickos Game):
And let’s have a look at the game preview:
Austin have turned heads during Leagues Cup, finishing second in the MLS Phase One table.
After cruising past Tijuana (2-0) and Puebla (3-0) to open the tournament, they defeated Club América 6-5 in PKs following a 1-1 draw. Myrto Uzuni netted the goal that sent them into the quarterfinals.
They’ll look to transfer that good form to MLS play, where they’ve lost five of their last six contests.
Cripes. Anyway, back to what I just wrote. These two games a season are always a beating for me, mostly because we’re made to care about them. Nobody ever had to make us care about the Houston games. Dallas and Houston have always been rivals in everything. Nobody ever had to make us care about the Kansas City games because they are FCD’s oldest rivals back to 1996 and because SKC inflicted Peter Vermes’ buffoonery on us for about half that history.
But Austin? Whatever. They’re almost a novelty act. They’re Ray Stevens. They’re not actually good; they’re just a spectacle. But twice a year, we gotta act like they’re a ferocious rival, when they’re still a bunch of green-and-black-clad bozos and Matthew McConaughey supporting a crappy club in suburban Austin.
Oh wait, they’ve won Copa Tejas twice. [Insert giant, wet fart noise here.]