I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
![02 Lack of Afro - Take It up a Notch [LOA Records Ltd]](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/FWLNDtOWs_M/hqdefault.jpg)
Saturday
East #6 New York City FC vs. East #7 New York Red Bulls (MLS Season Pass, 4:30)
I imagine that this is how Don Garber is right now:
Pay no attention to the #6 and #7 seedings. Also, pay no attention to the fact that the Eastern Conference team that the suits at MLS headquarters want is no longer in the playoffs.
Well, at least they don’t have to sell Columbus vs. Cincinnati, the #2 and #3 seeds, amirite?
But since NYCFC is the higher seed, we get to play everyone’s favorite party game “Where Is NYCFC Playing Its Home Game This Week?” And since Yankee Stadium is hosting Notre Dame vs. Army on Saturday, this game will be at Citi Field, home of the New York Mets. Not that it really matters too much. Either way, we get a crummy low angle and a narrow pitch.
But wait! There’s more!
This brings a certain nostalgic tear to the eyes of old-timers who remember when the Galaxy were at the Rose Bowl and had to have playoff schedules worked around swap meets that were taking place there. And frankly, it’s the sort of amusing jankiness that we’re gonna miss when NYCFC moves into their new place in 2027.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Red Bulls, because I don’t really want to have to find out what sort of nonsense is gonna evict NYCFC next weekend.
West #1 Los Angeles FC vs. West #4 Seattle Sounders (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
While there were upsets in three out of four of the Eastern Conference first-round series, the Western Conference first round was pretty chalky, so we get a #1 against a #4 in this one. We also get LAFC against Seattle, which if we’re being honest, is kinda boring. The nicest thing I can say about this game is that we won’t have to hear about the loser until next season.
Literally every other conference semifinal has something interesting about it, either because it features one of MLS less-fancied teams or because there’s a neat story. Just not this one. I’m sick of LAFC. I’m sick of the Sounders.
But I will give the Sounders credit. Not only did they do their traditional “struggle in the first half of the season and come on like gangbusters in the second,” they advanced in their first-round series against the Dynamo by not winning a single game and scoring only a single goal over two games. Work smarter, not harder, right? I keep dumping on the plodding style of play under Nico Estévez, but the Sounders are over here living their best “not scoring and not winning” lives.
Speaking of not scoring, I’m still on Olivier Giroud Watch over here at Hatewatching HQ. Giroud didn’t score or assist in Game 3 against the Whitecaps, so he’s still on zero goals during MLS regular season and playoff play.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LAFC, because I want to see them prosper despite having the French answer to Franco Jara taking up space up front because that is genuinely hilarious.
Sunday
East #4 Orlando City vs. East #8 Atlanta United (MLS Season Pass, 2:30)
Since I haven’t commented on it yet, here’s my reaction to the Inter Miami-Atlanta United series:
Atlanta’s ouster of Miami was hilarious for the following reasons:
- It’s always funny when the Supporters Shield Curse rears its ugly head, except in 2016.
- It has led to the inevitable “Messi is out, so obviously the MLS playoff format is the problem” takes among the dopier members of America’s soccer media. I’m just saying, Game 3 was essentially a single-elimination playoff game and how did that turn out again?
- After all the crap we’ve talked about Brad Guzan all season long — especially after Miami’s goal in Game 2 — he decides to remind us that he was literally the only good thing about those horrible Chivas USA teams almost 20 years ago.
- Tata Martino got the Colin Clarke Special and is out of his job after having a great season and losing in the first round. (I normally don’t root for anyone to lose their job ever, but on the other hand, Martino’s earned enough over the years that I don’t think he’ll be eating beans and rice out of necessity.)
- Atlanta fired head coach Gonzalo Pineda on June 3, almost a week before FCD fired Nico Estévez on June 9, and had been playing under Interim Head Coach Rob Valentino ever since.
So now, after surviving a first round series against Charlotte that was closer than he would’ve liked, Óscar Pareja and Orlando City are the top team left in the Eastern Conference playoffs and is hosting Atlanta instead of traveling to Son of Lockhart Stadium for this playoff game and will host the Eastern Conference Final if they win this game.
I’m not saying that fortune is smiling on Papi right now, but I’d rather be him than Wilfried Nancy or Pat Noonan or the big-name coach who just got succeeded by Javier Mascherano.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando. If they make it to the MLS Cup final and are hosting Minnesota, who is literally the only West team left that they could host, then I’ll say that fortune has favored him.
West #2 LA Galaxy vs. West #6 Minnesota United (MLS Season Pass and FS1, 5:00)
The final game of the conference semifinals weekend takes place at Dignity Health Sports Park, home of the LA Galaxy. It’s also home of the coach who I think should’ve won Coach of the Year.
Look, I’m not saying that Wilfried Nancy isn’t a fine coach. He is. But if you’re telling me that the Coach of the Year is the guy who won MLS Cup last season and went from that to finishing second in the East this year, well, in the words of Shania Twain, that don’t impress me much. Meanwhile, Greg Vanney took a team that finished 13th in the West last season to 2nd in the West this season. And yet…
Those are three coaches who are currently out of the playoffs, one of whom led a team who finished 7th in the West and lost to the Galaxy by a combined score of 9-1 while being swept in two games in the first round.
Just a bit of personal commentary from me on behalf of FC Dallas legend Greg Vanney.
But back to this game. Even though a Minnesota victory would be one small piece of Óscar Pareja’s golden path to MLS Cup, the Galaxy are genuinely the most fun team left in the Western Conference playoffs. They play the most stylish, attacking soccer out of the teams left in the playoffs, and most relevant to our interests, they’ve got Edwin Cerrillo and John Nelson on the roster.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Galaxy