The FCD Fan’s Guide to Hatewatching the 2026 FIFA World Cup Group Stage, Game 1

I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer the World Cup on TV.

Introduction

So since MLS is off for two months while the World Cup is going on, Buzz asked me if I’d be interested in doing a Hatewatching Guide for the World Cup. I told him that while I’m pretty ignorant about MLS, I’m even more ignorant about most national teams.

Frankly, I’m pretty ignorant about many nations that those national teams represent. For example, I know that Cape Verde is Africa and that they speak Portuguese. That’s it. A man’s gotta know his limitations, especially when there’s a possibility for an international incident.

Buzz suggested that I keep it FCD-focused. So this column is gonna be focused on the national teams of FCD’s representatives at the World Cup — Croatia, Haiti, and Sweden, picking out one game featuring those national teams per round until they’re all eliminated, and shit-talking their opponent.

No, I’m not gonna be including the USA in this for two simple reasons:

1. The USA does not feature any current FCD players, but I am hoping that FCD alums Ricardo Pepi, Chris Richards, and Weston McKennie kick ass in 100 different ways. (And I’m gonna shake my fist at Mauricio Pochettino for not including Tanner Tessmann in the team.)
2. There will be plenty of people giving their ignorant opinions about the US men’s national team and its opposition in the media. Why add my ignorant opinions to the pile?

So without further ado, let’s get started.

Ignorant Take of the Week

Since the World Cup hasn’t started yet, I’m going with a classic:

It’s from the 2018 World Cup, so who knows if Mr. Knowles has refined his views in the last eight years, but as far as I’m concerned, the only thing it’s encouraged in me has been beer-drinking, traveling to foreign countries and eating good food in the process, and driving to Commerce City way more than I really want to. As for the rest:

• Leave my spouse: ❌
• Kill my children: ❌
• Practice witchcraft: I’m a software developer, so maybe?
• Destroy capitalism: Not yet!
• Become lesbian: ❌

Game of the Round

England vs. Croatia at ✌Dallas Stadium✌ (Fox and Telemundo, 3:00 on June 17)

First of all, I know why FIFA does it — can’t be letting AT&T piggyback off of THEIR event, yaknow — but this has got to annoy the Arlington city leaders just a little bit:

Yeah, they’re getting all sorts of people experiencing the thrill, the color, the pageantry of Arlington when they get there on the charter buses from Dallas intended to make up for the fact that Arlington is the largest city in America without public transit, but it’s pretty likely that most of the folks visiting will be staying at Dallas hotels and eating at Dallas restaurants instead of going to the Hooters at I-30 and Collins. But FIFA can’t even kinda-sorta acknowledge that ✌Dallas Stadium✌ is in Arlington on their website?

As a former Dallasite, it amuses me.

And now that I’ve crapped on Buzz’s hometown, let me crap on Dan Crooke’s home country. The first opponent for Petar Musa (#26 on the roster, #1 in your heart) is England. When the FA released a video announcing their roster for the World Cup, they used the Beatles’ “Come Together” and created a video reminiscent of Yellow Submarine:

Perfect. 10/10. It is 100% on-point to use one of the biggest hits of a band that hasn’t existed since 1970 to announce the lineup for a nation that hasn’t won the World Cup or the European Championship since 1966. England has given the world so many great bands over the last 60 years, but would The Clash or Oasis or New Order remind you that it has been 60 years quite the way the Beatles have? No, they wouldn’t.

I really have nothing against England the country, mostly because I haven’t been there in over 25 years. I did change planes at Heathrow a few years ago, and British Airways did make me miss my connection, but they were nice enough to put me on a KLM flight. I guess that when you need things handled competently, you need to call in the flag airline of the Netherlands, a proud European Union member. As the dominant nation in the United Kingdom, they should really encourage their fellow UK nations to look into joining the European Union. Might be good for them.

Another reason is that it might improve trade on the football side of things. I’m sure that not being part of the EU is the reason why England has only sent four players to play in Germany and Spain. (Probably nothing to do with money or anything like that.) Granted, three of those players — Harry Kane, Jude Bellingham, and Marcus Rashford — are brilliant, but still, all they got in return was Thomas Tuchel? Look, he’s not a bad manager, but it doesn’t feel like fair trade to me, especially when another more successful German manager, Joachim Löw, was available.

And think about what fun the tabloids and pundits could’ve had if they had picked Löw:

Anyway, enough about one of the smaller English-speaking nations in the world. Let’s give some love to Croatia, who likewise haven’t won the World Cup in the last 60 years, but at least they have the excuse of not existing as an independent nation until just over 30 years ago. And in that time, they have managed to be a runner-up in 2018 and finish third in 1998 and 2022. Has England? Of course not.

Now some might say that it’s because they have more of their players playing in fabulous leagues in Spain and Germany and Italy and the United States, and fewer in local provincial leagues, but I, as a proud dual-national of an EU member state, will give credit where credit is due: