I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
That went down exactly the way we thought it would, right?
If you said “yes,” you’re lying right now.
Without Petar Musa, Logan Farrington, and Ramiro, just about all of us who are #DTID were thinking that our Decision Day was gonna feature a bad result and a lot of scoreboard-watching. Even a draw was gonna have us anxious about proceedings in San Jose, St. Louis, and Commerce City.
As it turns, a miracle happened. Not only did FCD win without those starters in Vancouver, a house of horrors almost a bad as Seattle, Portland was getting its teeth kicked in at home by San Diego, so FCD finished seventh, got to avoid the wild-card game, and Portland got to play RSL on Wednesday night.
I’m usually pretty skeptical about “mentality” and all that stuff. You assemble the best XI you can and do your thing and usually, talent will win out. But this season is making me more of a believer.
Eric Quill rolled out a lineup of players without a single Designated Player, and somehow beat one of the best teams in the league featuring one of the Bundesliga’s best players of the last decade. Yes, a rather generous red card for DOGSO helped, but Our Heroes were fighting for 90 minutes and got the result that they needed.
Their reward: Head back to Vancouver and do it again.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
East #2 FC Cincinnati vs. East #7 Columbus Crew (FS1 and Apple TV+ free game, Monday at 5:45)
Hell is Real, yadda yadda yadda.
OK, OK, I get that this rivalry is a big deal. The teams, the league, the fans, the TV partners, and everyone else have told us so for seven seasons now. But it’s starting to feel a little like El Clásico: Real Madrid and Barcelona meet twice in the league every season. Oh, and sometimes they meet in the Copa del Rey. And sometimes they meet in the Supercopa. And on very special occasions, they meet in the Champions League. At a certain point, you’ll see ads on ESPN plugging their upcoming broadcast of El Clásico, and you end up saying “Again already?”
By the time we get to Thanksgiving, we will have been reminded that Hell is Real four of five times this year.
But… it’s honestly the best matchup of the first round, largely because it is a rivalry. I mean, do you want me to try to sell you on NYCFC vs. CLT FC? Of course not. The only surprise here is that Columbus fell down to the #7 seed this season. But these things happen when you only win three times in your last 12 games. Injuries, amirite?
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Columbus, largely because they didn’t sell Lucho Acosta to FCD for $5 million in the offseason.
Little Brother Game of the Week
West #3 Los Angeles FC vs. West #6 Austin FC (Apple TV+ free game, Wednesday at 9:30)
First, a hearty farewell to Little Brother Orange for 2025. It sucks to suck, and you definitely sucked. Congrats on not making it to Decision Day before getting eliminated.
Now, onto Little Brother Green. Fun fact: They have faced LAFC every single time that they’ve qualified for the playoffs. I know this because they only qualified once before. Again, it sucks to suck.
Another fun fact is that LAFC has been pretty freaking awesome since Son Heung-Min arrived on August 6. In those 12 games, LAFC has seven wins, two losses, and three draws, a nice round 2 points per game.
The most impressive part of that streak is how many games they played during that streak, due to the games that were rescheduled. One in September was due to the Club World Cup and another was against Little Brother Green two weeks ago that was rescheduled due to the flooding in Central Texas. The little brothers won that game at home 1-0 on an 83rd minutes Owen Wolff goal. The fact that LAFC was missing Son and Dénis Bouanga due to international duty seems relevant here, doesn’t it?
Also relevant might be the fact that after their brutal late-season schedule, LAFC will have had 10 days off since Decision Day. And the fact that they’ll be at home.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LAFC
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
East #1 Philadelphia Union vs. East #8 Chicago Fire (FS1 and Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 4:30)
One of the benefits of winning the Supporters Shield is that you by definition finish on top of your conference. And the benefit there is that you get to play the winner of the wild-card game a few days earlier.
Sadly for Philly, they’re in the Eastern Conference and the winner of the wild-card game is not the Portland Timbers, who are still a dysfunctional mess who had two different players agitate to GTFO during this calendar year and who are still coached by the marginally competent Phil Neville and who still have a 56-year-old Diego Chará as their talismanic midfielder. (I’m just guessing his age here. Nobody correct me if I’m wrong.)
Instead, they get to face the Chicago Fire, who despite being the East #8 seed and playing in said wild-card game, racked up 53 points this season — nine more than Our Heroes who finished 7th in the West — and dispatched Orlando City a bit more easily that even the 3-1 score would imply. They won more in 2025 than they lost, they cleared 1.5 PPG, and were only six points away from having home field advantage in this round.
It would seem that the Chicago Fire are no longer the backfiring clown car
that they used to be. Still, I couldn’t help but chuckle on Wednesday night when the play-by-play announcer — bless his heart — continued harping on the fact that this was Chicago’s first trip to the playoffs since 2017 and their first win since 2009.
It would appear that most of the rest of the league won’t have the Chicago Fire to kick around anymore. However, the Philadelphia Union will.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philly. Play the Action News theme.
Good Guys Game of the Week
West #2 Vancouver Whitecaps vs. West #7 FC Dallas (Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 6:30)
As discussed earlier, FCD’s reward for beating Vancouver last Saturday… is to play them again on Sunday… and next Saturday… and maybe the Friday after that. Oh well. If FCD is in the playoffs, they’re playing a team from Cascadia. The last time they were in the playoffs and didn’t face one of Seattle, Portland, or Vancouver was 2022. The time before that? 2011.
| 2025 | Vancouver |
| 2024 | — |
| 2023 | Seattle |
| 2022 | Minnesota, Little Brother Green |
| 2021 | — |
| 2020 | Portland, Seattle |
| 2019 | Seattle |
| 2018 | Portland |
| 2017 | — |
| 2016 | Seattle |
| 2015 | Seattle, Portland |
| 2014 | Vancouver, Seattle |
| 2013 | — |
| 2012 | — |
| 2011 | Red Bulls |
Suffice to say that I’m sick of these clowns. 15 teams in the Western Conference, and FCD keeps seeing the same three in the playoffs over and over again. But then, it beats losing to the Rapids every year. Or being the Chicago Fire! (Amusingly, FCD has never played San Jose in the playoffs in 30 years.)
Anyway, our pals in Canada’s westernmost metropolis are not jazzed about how FCD qualfied and helped deprive the Whitecaps of finishing on top of the West for the first time ever. The fans aren’t, the coaches aren’t, and the players aren’t. Don’t even care. The Road Dawgs are coming back to town.