I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Nice road point against a team that has more money between the cushions of Arthur Blank’s couch than on FCD’s entire roster.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Chicago Fire vs. Inter Miami (Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 3:30)
(2025 Lionel Messi content counter: 5)
I’m about 95% sure that this is the first time that the Fire have appeared in this slot in the couple of seasons that I’ve been doing this column. But hey, when you stop being a train wreck and actually get your act together, amazing things can happen.
Of course, before they signed a significant chunk of the 2015 Barcelona roster, I never would’ve had Inter Miami here either. Again, when you stop being a train wreck and actually get your act together, amazing things can happen. In Miami’s case, those amazing things also included a Leagues Cup title in 2023 and a Supporters Shield in 2024, but we all know what they actually covet in Miami Ft. Lauderdale is an appearance in the highly-prized Superclásico slot in this column.
However, Chicago has done it in a completely different manner. These are all their offseason cash signings, with the transfer fee according to Transfermarkt:
| Jonathan Bamba | Celta de Vigo | €3.50m |
| Leonardo Barroso | Sporting CP B | €1.40m |
| Philip Zinckernagel | Club Brugge | €850k |
| Sam Rogers | Lillestrøm | €170k |
| Ariel Lassiter | CF Montréal | €68k |
And a couple of weeks ago, they signed Djé D’Avilla from Leiria for €4m — or as I like to call it, Kaick money. Still, that’s one player from a big-boy league, one player from the reserve team of one of Portugal’s big clubs, one player from one of Belgium’s big clubs, one player from Portugal’s second division, one player from a Norwegian club, and one player from one of the worst teams in MLS. Not exactly sending scouts to Ballon d’Or ceremonies, are they?
And oh yeah, they made one more offseason signing who seems to be making a bit of difference, contrary to what you might’ve heard from USMNT Twitter.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Chicago. And now, having written all those non-hateful things about the Fire, I’m gonna go take a shower.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Austin FC (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
On the one side, we’ve got the Vancouver Whitecaps, who have lost only twice in 12 games in MLS and CONCACAF Champions Cup competition this year. Four of those games have been against Monterrey and Pumas in the Round of 16 and the Quarterfinals of the CCC, thanks to this one weird trick known as “being able to score multiple goals in the away leg in Mexico.”
But all this on-field success has a shadow hanging over it. This happened in December:
Then this happened last week:
So for those of you keeping score at home, the Whitecaps are for sale, partially due to the fact that the team is getting ripped off by British Columbia to play in BC Place, and the buyer might get a brand-new stadium in Vancouver that would relieve them of the financial anchor of the BC Place lease.
I hope this happens. First of all, because BC Place is kinda crummy for the Whitecaps. Having had several years of supporting a Major League Soccer team who played in a way-too-large stadium of which the team gamely tarped off several sections to make it seem less cavernous, I can vouch that it ain’t that great.
But when it does happen, the current owners will get to ride off into the sunset as heroes who helped ensure the Whitecaps’ continued presence in Vancouver. As opposed to, say, announcing that you’ll be moving the team to some two-horse cowtown because you don’t like the stadium in your current city, telling the world that your current city is terrible for professional soccer, getting Don Garber to tell the world that your current city is terrible for professional soccer, riling up everyone in the state about your dumb ass, and getting the state legislature and the attorney general involved to save the team, only to finally sell the team to people who were suddenly able to do all the things that you were unable to do.
Just speaking hypothetically, of course.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver. I could’ve dropped a reference to queso in that last paragraph, but I didn’t want to make it TOO obvious.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Orlando City vs. New York Red Bulls (Apple TV+ free game, 3:30)
DID YOU KNOW: Óscar Pareja coached five seasons with FC Dallas from 2014 to 2018. He just started his sixth season in Orlando, having been hired for the 2020 season. However, he still has coached more competitive matches with FCD at 207, while last week was his 202nd with Orlando City.
When I saw that this game was going to be at 4:30 in the afternoon in Florida, my first thought was “Oh, it’s gonna be hotter than hell.” Then I remembered that it’s still April, so maybe not. And since I’m sure you’re wondering now…
I said all that to say that since I’m tossing out Óscar Pareja factoid and weather forecasts should tell you that I don’t really have a lot to say about this game. Both teams are on 11 points after seven matches, both teams are pretty good so far, both teams are safe bets to make the playoffs, and if we’re being honest, you will not think about either team the rest of the season, since FCD is playing neither of them this year. (I’m glad that MLS has made it to the point where 30 teams doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, but I miss the old days when you saw every other team every season.)
But the rest of the Eastern Conference games are junk — but not as bad as the next game — and we’ll always support Papi here at the Hatewatching Guide.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando.
Sickos Game of the Week
LA Galaxy vs. Houston Dynamo (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
I usually try to limit the Little Brother content to one of them in the Little Brother Game of the Week, but I just couldn’t do that this week.
For one thing, this game, between the Galaxy (last in the West) and Little Brother Orange (13th in the West) is gonna be objectively terrible. Yes, I know I’m making judgments on teams right around 20% through the season, but this is like Election Night when some races get called 10 minutes after the polls close. These teams are terrible this season.
So I couldn’t possibly put them in the Little Brother Game of the Week slot, which I usually try have be a slightly interesting game. But it is Sickos-grade.
The difference between the teams is that one of them has a fanbase that’s gonna be decidedly more chill about it than the other. I don’t know many Galaxy fans, but all the ones I do know aren’t the slightest bit bothered about this season. Something about having won their 6th MLS Cup less than six months ago. They’re all sending “Get well” cards to Riqui Puig and thinking of slogans for their quest for their seventh championship, which they’ll roll out next year. In other words, 2025 is pretty much a gap year for those fans.
Little Brother Orange started 2025 by blowing a lead at home to lose to FCD, and it hasn’t gotten much better for them since then. Sure, they got their first win of the year last week at home against LAFC, but c’mon. If it were FCD that was putting up the results they are, I’d already be in the third week of putting a “Worst Season Ever Watch” section in this column.
But it’s not FCD, it’s Little Brother Orange, so I’ll just say that it’s the way things should be.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LA
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Seattle Sounders (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
Games like this are the Easy button for writers, since you don’t really have to think of any angle to write about. OF COURSE we’re gonna write about the Return of Jesús Ferreira and Paul Arriola.
But I’ve never been one to do the easy thing — ah, who am I kidding? Of course I’m gonna go with “easy.” I’m gonna totally make this paint-by-numbers.
I’m gonna pull stats about how the guy isn’t doing jack in Seattle.
I’m gonna point out that he hasn’t scored for anyone since September 18 of last year, which was coincidentally the same day that Peter Vermes — who was fired last week — last won a game as Sporting Kansas City head coach.
I’m gonna share some social media about how Seattle fans have quickly lost patience with him:
I’m gonna make just hack jokes about how Jesús Ferreira is innovating the forward position into more of a right back.
And then, I’m gonna say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys” as I point out that the things that FCD wanted Jesús Ferreira to be at different times — a #9 and a #10 — they’ve got now in the forms of Petar Musa and Lucho Acosta.
Get well, Paul.