I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Was a draw the result that we were all looking for? No, of course not. Is it an acceptable result in a place that has traditionally been a house of horrors for FC Dallas? Absolutely. And frankly, after twice going down a goal, to come back each time and tie the game each time shows the indomitable spirit of this team.
Personally, two things stood out for me after the game:
- Last season, Petar Musa had some difficulties from the spot. He had a problem with the opposing keeper getting their hands on his shots and either saving them or forcing a second shot to score off the save. However, on Saturday night, he put his shot where no keeper was getting it, with pace to the upper corner of the net. These are the sorts of small things that, if he keeps doing them, the price for his eventual sale will only go up.
- Anderson Julio was obviously frustrated after the Colorado game two weeks ago. His minutes had fallen off, and he wasn’t meshing with his teammates very well, since the team had started playing in a different shape and in a different way since he had been out injured. So it was great to see him come into the game and score the tying goal that got FCD a critical point. Yes, it was a bit of a seeing-eye goal that took a deflection or two on its way to the net, but as the saying goes, they don’t ask “How,” they ask “How many?”
Yes, FCD had its chances to get out of Portland with all three points, but it was a solid performance that continues its march towards the playoffs, a march that we had all but written off two months ago.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Philadelphia Union vs. New York City FC (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
This week features two actual-factual rivalry games, Seattle-Portland and RSL-Colorado. But instead, this is gonna get the shine from me because these two teams are two of the top three in the Eastern Conference. And if Philly wins and Cincy loses to the Red Bulls in New Jersey, Philly will clinch the Supporters Shield.
And that seems a little more interesting than whatever organized grab-ass is taking place in Seattle between the #5 and #7 teams in the West or in Sandy between the #8 and #11 teams in the West.
Honestly, if you had told me two years ago that the Philadelphia Union would be on the verge of winning the 2025 Supporters Shield, I would’ve said, “Not a big surprise.” And yet, they hit the wall in 2024. They finished out of the playoffs, they fired Jim Curtin, and their time as one of MLS’ top teams appeared to be waning.
But as I say over and over again, because people who know soccer better than I do have said over and over again: It really helps a team when its technical director knows what the hell he’s doing, and he hires a head coach that knows what he’s doing and they’re aligned on personnel issues.
Do all that and have a little luck, and you too might find yourself with 63 points and a four-point lead in the Supporters Shield race with two games left. Don’t do that, and you might get to watch your old coach lifting silverware with another club. Isn’t that right, St. Louis?
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philly.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. St. Louis City SC (MLS Season Pass, 7:30)
A quick word about Wednesday night’s Lamar Hunt US Open Cup Final:
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (gasp) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Bravo, Little Brothers. You made a big deal about the Open Cup. You managed to get your fans out to North Austin on a Wednesday night for something other than the All-Star Game. You got Matthew McConaughey to show up for once. You outshot, outpossessed, and out-xGed Nashville. You got a questionable penalty call in your favor. And you still lost.
But that’s the way it goes in sports sometimes, right? Take it away, Nico:
Well… that certainly makes one suddenly appreciate the slightly cringey post-game pressers that Eric Quill had when the team was struggling. But hey, at least everyone had a good time, right?
While I was typing this up, the following notification popped up on my phone:
So many jokes, so little space.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: St. Louis.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
CF Montréal vs. Nashville SC (Apple TV+ free game, 1:30)
Speaking of the Open Cup final, a big congrats are in order to our pals from Nashvegas, who have won Tennessee’s first-ever professional sports championship. Really. That’s what I read on social media, so it must be true. If so, that’s amazing, because Memphis and Nashville have had a lot of teams over the years in a lot of smaller sports leagues that had their games broadcast on the Ocho.
And as a former Houston Oilers fan, it makes me smile a little bit.
But in addition to adding another trophy to Official Hatewatching Guide Favorite Coach B.J. Callaghan’s trophy case, it was also the second Open Cup trophy for former FC Dallas defender Walker Zimmerman, who won the 2016 Open Cup with FCD:
Fun fact: The above GIF is from the 2003 film Freaky Friday. Lindsay Lohan was 17 when it came out. She is now 39 and in the sequel Freakier Friday, which came out on August 8.
Anyway, Callaghan, Zimmerman, former MVP Hany Mukhtar, and third-league scorer Sam Sturridge receive as their reward an all-expenses-paid trip to Montréal this weekend. Oh, and they’ll get to play one of the contenders for the Wooden Spoon. But not all is bad in Montréal. They’re still better than Atlanta and DC United. And they’ve got Prince Owusu and Dante Sealy, who is finally showing the promise that had him in the PSV youth system to begin with.
Look, it didn’t go that great for Sealy in Frisco, and I’m glad that he’s finally landed in a situation where things are finally going well for him. It’s just too bad that that situation is with a terrible team run by such a clown car organization.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw
Sickos Game of the Week
Los Angeles FC vs. Atlanta United (Apple TV+ free game, Sunday at 8:00)
Allow me to present to, gentle reader, a tale of two teams:
Atlanta United – Spent over $30 million in the 2024-25 offseason to bolster a team that just barely made the playoffs, now currently sitting 14th in the East.
LAFC – Spent $26 million in July on Son Heung-Min to bolster a team that was in the bottom half of the Western Conference playoff slots, now currently 4th, just four points behind the leaders, with two games in hand
I’m not sure what the moral of the story is here. Atlanta is run by Garth Lagerwey, who built the Sounders into one of the best teams in the league. They spent lots of money. They’ve got an MLS Cup-winning coach in Ronny Delia. Other much smarter people than me can list all the reasons why that’s the case, but “smart, reasoned analysis” is for other parts of 3rd Degree.
This is the Hatewatching Guide. We’re just here to enjoy “everyone’s offseason champions getting kicked in the jimmy repeatedly.”
And that’s what’s gonna happen again on SUNDAY ⚡️ NIGHT ⚡️ SOCCER ⚡️⚡️⚡️. I kinda feel bad for anyone at the league website who has to write about this game as if it is going to be a competitive exercise, but LAFC is at home, they were already a team that played very competent defense, and now they’ve got their attack kicked up a notch by adding Son. There’s a reason why they may fool around and finish on top of the Western Conference.
The only thing that might save Atlanta is Son’s showing extreme deference and politeness to senior citizens, and yes, that is a joke about Brad Guzan.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Atlanta. They’ve only won five games this season. Give ‘em #6 as a little treat.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. LA Galaxy (MLS Season Pass, 3:30)
The last three games of the season, FCD faces:
- the worst team in the league
- one of the best teams in the league
Now, if I were to further tell you before the season that those teams would be the Gals and the Whitecaps, chances are that you’d guess who “the worst team” and “one of the best teams in the league” are completely wrong. Then again, you’d probably also guess that adding the 2023 MLS MVP to the FCD roster would not, in fact, make them worse.
But that’s the 2025 season for you.
Oh, and once you learned that the Gals are in fact the worst team in the league, we’d then tell you that they’ll be in the 2026 CONCACAF Champions Cup, and you’d then ask if you’d gotten your crazy pills prescription refilled.
Again, 2025, amirite?
But here we are. And while I could feel bad for the Gals and their fans for having the lead for the Wooden Spoon, I really don’t. Yeah, they stink out loud this season, but it’s just gonna end up being a gap year for them. They won MLS Cup last year, they can point to Riqui Puig’s absence as the #1 cause for their suckitude, they can point to a salary dump of actual good players for the #2 reason, they’ve gotten lots of playing time for their young, up-and-coming players, they’ll get Puig back for the 2026 season, they’ll surround him with those young players who have grown a lot, and they’ll be in the CCC as if they were actually good this year.
Even when the Gals suck, they somehow still end up having it be better than it could be. They are the rich kids who keep falling ass-backwards into good things even when they fail.
So no, I’m not gonna ever feel bad for them. FCD’s got things to do, and the Gals are in the way. Drop the hammer on them with extreme prejudice and without mercy. They’re the Gals. They’ll be fine.