The FCD Fan’s Guide to Hatewatching Matchday 31

I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.

Musical accompaniment

Last week

Look, I’m glad that Peter Luccin has the team playing more positively than it was previously. Even you take into account the fact that they feasted on a weaker portion of their schedule that was full of home games, it is also undeniable that the team under Nico Estévez played like hot garbage against some bad teams, even at home.

Cast your minds back to the season opener against the Quakes, which was literally won at the last moment. Or the loss in the following home game against Montreal. Or the loss in the home game after that against Vancouver. Or how they struggled to get wins in the Open Cup against USL team. Or… well, you get the idea.

Still, giving up three goals a game is a tough way to live, especially when the last two turned a 2-1 lead into a 3-2 loss. While it’s easy to rue the missed chances that could’ve put the game to bed, I’d rather not have them have to score four goals a game to win. Maybe all those people hollering for another center back have been right all along.

EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)

Columbus Crew vs. Seattle Sounders (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)

Since MLS has a light schedule with only six games this week because the international break, this is going to be a somewhat lighter Hatewatching Guide. But we have been blessed with this game.

Over the past few years, we’ve gotten to see all sorts of versions of the Seattle Sounders: the better-than-expected expansion team (2009), the MLS Cup contenders (most years), the all-conquering champions of CONCACAF (2022), the non-playoff team (also 2022), and now the “pretty good, but not really that good” version. And people aren’t really sure how to respond to this, although they’ve tried.

If that sounds suspiciously close to “they’ve got a bunch of dudes,” the way that Buzz and Dan and Peter on the award-winning 3rd Degree the Podcast have correctly labeled our own beloved FC Dallas, that’s because it is.

A quick break for some shameless, yet related, consumerism and a testimonial. I bought this shirt from the 3rd Degree Superstore, and I highly recommend it. It’s high-quality cloth, it’s comfortable, and it looks good:

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Back to this game. The 2024 Sounders are decent. It’s why they’re above the playoff line. But they’re not that far above the line, and it’s the reason why they’ve been beaten four times this season by LAFC — twice in the league, once in the Open Cup, and once in Leagues Cup. And of slightly higher importance to their fans, they’ve already been beaten twice by Portland this season, with one more matchup on Decision Day.

All of this delights me because it distresses their fans, most of whom have never known truly crap soccer. So they get to watch their decent but flawed team continually slip out of fourth gear at every turn — never mind that they actually have a fourth gear to begin with — they’ll act like they’re somehow suffering, and the rest of us get to roll our eyes.

It’s a good thing that they’re not playing a road game against the defending MLS Cup and League Cup champs or anything like that. That might end up badly and prolong their interminable suffering.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Columbus. Given the way that Seattle has made FCD suffer in the playoffs the last decade, I’m OK with their suffering.

Good Guys Game of the Week

Vancouver Whitecaps vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)

When people ask me how MLS has changed, I always say it’s the little things. The Burn used to train at a spare field at Greenhill School with a trailer next to it. That field contributed to the end of Alain Sutter’s career when he ran into a hole on the field and injured his hip. Now, their practice field next to Toyota Stadium is probably an even nicer field than they have in the stadium.

MLS also used to not respect international breaks in any way, shape, or form. I remember going to a watching party for the USA-Iran game in France ’98 at one of the exhibition halls at Fair Park, with the Burn game later that day. Whoops.

They didn’t actually start respecting the international breaks until they started breaking for the first round of the World Cup in 2002 or 2006. They still don’t completely shut down, mind you, it’s the reason why this column is so much shorter this week is that less than half the league is playing.

That’s how it is for every international break during the season. Every team has to play a couple of international breaks simply because the alternative would be more midweek games and more three-games-in-eight-days stretches. It’s not like there is a three-week break in the middle of the league season where everybody is playing a bullshit made-up tournament that they could use to have teams play through fewer international breaks.

So because of this, FCD will be without Maarten Paes, who was the hero for Indonesia in their 1-1 draw in their World Cup qualifier against Saudi Arabia, Show, who played for Angola in the 1-0 win over Ghana in their AFCON qualifier, and Patrickson Delgado, who was called up for Friday’s World Cup qualifier against Brazil, and Carl Sainte, who was called up by Haiti but who doesn’t really play for FCD anyway.

Vancouver is also missing five players due to international duty, but let’s face it, only one of them matters to FCD fans:

That’s right, while Carl Sainte is in Puerto Rico for Haiti’s CONCACAF Nations League matches against Puerto Rico and Sint Maarten, he’ll get to rub shoulders with everyone’s favorite FCD player-turned-FCD killer, Fafà Picault. And while I generally don’t hate on former players, Picault is the exception. Screw that guy.

The reason why I don’t hate on former players is because they either get traded, like Ryan Hollingshead, or they get a fabulous offer, like Matt Hedges. And I don’t hate former players when they prosper in their new surroundings. Good for Hollingshead for winning silverware in LA and good for Hedges for… um, being in good health. But Picault is different, largely because of the zest with which he plays against FC Dallas. He doesn’t just try to play well, he’s a downright asshole in the process. And it works. But here’s the deal: If he played every week as well as usually plays against FCD, he wouldn’t have three teams on his resume since he left after the 2020 season.

So enjoy Puerto Rico, Fafà, and feel free to keep being replaceable when you get back.

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