I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
What a difference a week makes!
Last week, everyone was down about the two losses in Kansas City, and now look at the team: only a couple of points out of a playoff spot. As Buzz is pointing out on social media, the playoffs are still gonna be a tough ask. 44 points is right around where the playoff line has been over the past few years, and Minnesota is currently at 30 point after 24 games, which works out to around 42 over the season. And the schedule over the last 10 games is not favorable, with only four games with some salty opponents at home. A road win or two would be nice.
But those are tomorrow’s problems. For today, we can celebrate a win over the Gals and a win over Little Brother Green. And hey, they won a phony-baloney trophy!
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Colorado Rapids vs. Real Salt Lake (MLS Season Pass, 8:30)
MLS has not designated this week as MLS Rivalry Week Sponsored by Chico’s Bail Bonds, but we do have a few rivalry games. There’s Montreal-Toronto, Sporting KC-St. Louis (which we’ll talk about further down this week’s column), and this game.
The Rocky Mountain Cup rivalry doesn’t quite get the same shine as other rivalries in this league. It’s easy to blame coastal media bias, but honestly… two smaller markets in the Mountain Time Zone? Yeah.
Plus, neither of these teams has a super-fabulous history in this league. RSL won MLS Cup on penalties back in 2009 and it says here that Colorado won the following year, but I have no memory of such a game. And that’s it for these teams’ silverware, outside of this trophy.
It’s sort of like the Old Oaken Bucket that Indiana and Purdue play for in college football. Two teams without much history on a national basis get amped about a rivalry trophy with their next-door neighbor. And while the rest of the country couldn’t give a rip about the game, both teams and their fanbases really care about it.
And hey, both of these teams are in the top five of the Western Conference, so a game between two good teams and a rivalry trophy is a good enough reason for you to tune in after FCD gets done in Foxborough. And hey, for those of you who usually hit the hay after Matlock is over, it’s not gonna end too late.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Colorado. Both these teams are about a thousand points ahead of FCD, so it really doesn’t matter who wins, but hey, I’ll pull for the local XI for once.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Houston Dynamo (MLS Season Pass, 9:30)
It’s no secret that I’m a fan of Vancouver coach Vanni Sartini. Between his sartorial choices, which throw down a distinct “one of the dads who got suckered into coaching the team” vibe, and his anti-Batman stances, he’s more interesting than most coaches in this league.
It also helps that the Caps have been getting better and moving up the charts since he’s been in charge. “Wow, I wonder what that’s like,” I’m saying, looking at how FCD declined during Luchi Gonzalez’s tenure and Nico Estévez’s tenure.
Somewhat further down the ladder in terms of “interesting” is Ben Olsen. I don’t know how he ended up on TV for a hot minute between his reign of terror in Washington and this current gig. He was terrible, monotone, quiet, and without anything interesting to say. Still, that’s an improvement from another US national teamer from the MLS 1.0 days, Alexi Lalas, who seems to be good at getting TV gigs, despite being nothing more than a fountain of dumb opinions.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting opinions: Vancouver, because the hater in me wants to see Houston lose every game and because the hater in me would love nothing more than to see them fire Olsen and hire Lalas as his replacement.
“Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
New York Red Bulls vs. FC Cincinnati (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
I really, really thought about putting the 401 Derby here, named for the highway that runs between Toronto and Montreal. But as tempting as it was to put an actual rivalry game here between two good teams — well, maybe not “good,” but at least they’re in the playoffs — I decided that putting all three Canadian teams in one week’s column might have people thinking that they’re a real country.
On the other hand, they’re not currently deciding between two ancient guys who have trouble keeping their thoughts straight to be their head of state, so maybe they’re not so bad. On yet another hand, this guy is their official head of state:
But back to this game. Both of these teams are in the top four, it should be a good game, and you’d expect both to make the playoffs, which brings me to my favorite “Wild But True” MLS factoid: It will be the Red Bulls’ 16th straight playoff qualification, which is by far an MLS record. The next closest streak? The Galaxy’s 10 straight appearances between 1996 and 2005.
So while we make a lot of jokes about how the New York Red Bulls are way down the priority list of Red Bull’s sporting venture behind RB Leipzig, Red Bull FC Salzburg, their Formula 1 racing team, Red Bull Flugtag, and Red Bull Nuttenkicken (That last one is what you think it is, and yes, it’s made up.), they at least are doing SOMETHING right in MLS.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Red Bulls. We’ve been hearing a lot about Cincinnati this week and I’m already sick of it. And it’s not in the Appalachians.
Sickos Game of the Week
Sporting Kansas City vs. St. Louis City (FS1 and Apple TV+ free game, 7:30)
When MLS and Fox were picking the schedule of games that Fox would be broadcasting to people who think that MLS Season Pass’ subscription cost is an intolerable cruelty, this match looked like a good bet. After all, St. Louis had finished atop the West in their inaugural season. SKC finished the season like a house on fire, made the playoffs, came through the play-in game, and beat St. Louis in the Western Conference semis.
It brings me great joy to inform you beautiful people that none of that will be happening this year.
In theory, it could. There are still nine games left in SKC’s season and 10 left for St. Louis, and they’re seven and eight points out. But everything that I wrote that Buzz has been saying about FCD’s chances of sneaking in? That situation is even worse for these two. It already cost Bradley Carnell, who was formerly the flavor of the week for MLS coaching, his job.
Peter Vermes still has his, however. Who’s to say that job security is a thing of the past?
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. Since FCD’s on the road this week, I don’t want either set of clowns making up any ground on them.
Good Guys Game of the Week
New England Revolution vs. FC Dallas (MLS Season Pass, 6:30)
FCD’s on the road this week, which has been their kryptonite all season long. They don’t have a win in 11 road games, after eight losses and three draws. But if they want to make the playoffs, they need one or two road wins, since they don’t have many home games left.
Fortunately for them, they’re at Gillette Stadium this week to take on the Revs. And not only are they at the bottom of the East, they’re decimated with injuries.
Philly has been down badly this season and was in fact in last place coming into that match. Not anymore after a 5-1 win which was more notable for the fact that they brought in Cavan Sullivan, who was born in the Year of Our Lord 2009, to play five minutes at the end before he heads off to Manchester City, possibly to never be heard from again.
I don’t imagine that their injury list is any better this week, so this would seem to be a golden opportunity for FCD to get a road win and get themselves on an actual-factual win streak.
Most other seasons, I’d feel a little bad for kicking them while they’re down. They, along with the Red Bulls and FCD, are the last remaining members of the “Day One, No MLS Cups” club. Even more heartbreakingly, they’ve been to the MLS Cup final five times. They play in Gillette Stadium, a hulking behemoth of an NFL stadium halfway between Boston and Providence. That stadium initially had grass, but it was torn out at the behest of coaching great Bill Belichick, who after being canned as Patriots coach, has turned to his real passion: Dating women almost 50 years younger than he is.
But all that sympathy evaporated when the Revs hired former Timbers and Crew head coach Caleb Porter to be their new coach this past offseason. I’ve detailed my feelings on that preening schmo many times in this column, so I want to see him go down and go down hard? You bet your ass.
Putting five goals up against these clowns would be a nice way to break this road streak.