I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Saturday
West #6 Minnesota United vs. West #3 Real Salt Lake (MLS Season Pass, 6:00)
Minnesota United up 1-0
The first games of this round were highlighted by two upsets. The less outrageous one was in Sandy, where Minnesota United beat RSL in penalties. I say “less outrageous” because the match was fairly even in most of the stats, it finished 0-0, and Minnesota won the shootout. Hey, it happens.
This is of course not how Pablo Mastroeni saw it:
“It’s a crappy way to lose in soccer,” RSL coach Pablo Mastroeni said. “But if you don‘t put it in the back of the net, they’re happy with that. They want to go to penalties.”
Pablo, my guy. No one wants to go to penalties. Everyone wants to win 3-0. The bottom line is that you were at home, you have all this attacking talent, and you couldn’t put it into the net? C’mon, man. I don’t expect you to say, “That’s the way soccer go,” like a soccer version of Ron Washington but don’t say something dumb like that. It’s certainly a step down from “Stats will lose to the human spirit every day.”
Or at the very least, tell your players to keep their spit in their mouths, lest we not be subjected to any more corny headlines like this:
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Minnesota
Sunday
East #7 New York Red Bulls vs. East #2 Columbus Crew (MLS Season Pass, 3:30)
Red Bulls up 1-0
On Tuesday night, the Columbus Crew put on a masterclass in football:
- 72% possession
- 800 passes
- 90.4% successful passing
- 16 shots, with eight on target
And they lost 1-0 because all of those eight shots on target were saved by Carlos Coronel. I’ve spent a lot of time in this column saying all sorts of nice things about the Crew, but that’s legitimately funny. So now, everyone’s favorite team’s favorite team needs to win two straight to stay alive in the playoffs, starting with a road game at Red Bull Arena.
It would of course be an ignominious end to a nice yearlong run that saw them appear in three finals — MLS Cup, CONCACAF Champions Cup, and Leagues Cup — and win two of them. The only thing worse would be to have the architect of this success depart in the rapidly approaching offseason.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Red Bulls
West #5 Houston Dynamo vs. West #4 Seattle Sounders (MLS Season Pass, 5:30)
Sounders up 1-0
To be honest, I was not enthusiastic about the return of best-of-three to the MLS playoffs. I just didn’t see the point. This is not to say that I’m one of these folks who just says “IT’S NOT SOCCER,” but it has never felt right.
MLS did it from 1996 to 1999 with the 35-yard shootout after tied games, and when they got rid of the shootout in 2000, they tried doing some sort of wacky “first to five” setup with its wacky mini-game tiebreaker if the teams were level on points after three games, which happened if one of the games, or all three, ended in a tie.
The league tried two-legged series for several years, and then they finally got it right with single-elimination in 2019, which seemed to have widespread acclaim, since there were real stakes for finishing higher in the standings and since each game was do-or-die. But of course, since MLS couldn’t leave well enough alone and since they wanted to give their new paymasters at Apple more content, we’re back to best-of-three in the first round, only this time with penalties at the end of each tied game.
The other difference this time is the complaints. While best-of-three didn’t get too many vocal complaints in the ’90s, probably because most players were just a few years removed from playing in beer leagues and having side jobs even while they were in MLS, this generation of players has complaints.
Settle down, Stefan. Y’all didn’t win 5-0 in game 1. That was another team that did that. You got more out of a 0-0 game than you would’ve gotten in a two-legged series. You can lose 4-0 in Houston and you’re still alive. So chill.
But I get it. Those orange bozos got outshot 20-7, they played the last quarter of the game without Coco Carrasquilla and didn’t make you make a single save during regulation, and yet, you still have to fly down to their place to play them again. Maybe this time, maybe your teammates can figure out how to make the Dynamo pay for not having the CONCACAF Men’s Player of the Year in the lineup.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Seattle
West #8 Vancouver Whitecaps vs. West #1 Los Angeles FC (MLS Season Pass, 7:45)
LAFC up 1-0
If I had to guess which Game 1 was gonna end 5-0, it would’ve been in this series. After all, Vancouver had just played a midweek wild card game in Portland, while LAFC was sitting at home resting up. As it turns out, the other LA team beat Colorado 5-0 at Dignity Health Sports Park.
Meanwhile, LAFC steadily built a 2-0 lead through the middle of the second half and cruised home. Vancouver got a consolation goal late in stoppage time which would’ve been a lot more interesting back in the two-legged days, especially since it was an away goal. But alas, they’re in more or less the same situation as the Rapids are, down one game to zero.
The good news is that they’re back home for Game 2. Of course, I had to verify that that is indeed the case and that BC Place isn’t being used for a swap meet or convention or worse still, a CFL game. However, the BC Lions are playing their first-round CFL playoff game in Regina, Saskatchewan, and BC Place will be available for use by the Whitecaps.
Fortunately for LAFC, Steve Cherundolo hasn’t made any grand proclamations about God’s fandom for his team. Unfortunately for LAFC, such proclamations would’ve been utterly null and void with Vanni Sartini anyway, who is undoubtedly figuring out how to convince Fafà Picault that LAFC is a former employer who done him wrong.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver